The Relative

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter anxious to get his story could not get near the car. Being a clever sort , he started shouting loudly, " Let me through ! Let me through ! I am the son of the victim." The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

RIDDLES

How do crazy people go through the forest?

They take the psycho path.

What happens when a bomb goes off in the middle of a herd of cows?

Udder destruction!

Why does a tiger have stripes?

So he won't be spotted.

What do you call a cat who does tricks?

A magic kit.

Which state has a lot of dogs and cats?

Petsylvania.

What do English cats drink in the afternoon?

Kit-tea.

Where did the kittens go on their class trip?

To a mewseum.

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?

A pachydermatologist.

EMOTIONCONS

B:-) Sunglasses on head

::-) User wears normal glasses

B-) User wears horn-rimmed glasses

8:-) User is a little girl

:-)-8 User is a Big girl

:-{) User has a mustache

:-{} User wears lipstick

{:-) User wears a toupee

}:-( Toupee in an updraft

:-[ User is a Vampire

:-E Bucktoothed vampire

:-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing

:-7 User just made a wry statement

:-* User just ate something sour

:-)~ User drools

:-~) User has a cold

:'-( User is crying

:'-) User is so happy, s/he is crying

:-@ User is screaming

:-# User wears braces

:^) User has a broken nose

:v) User has a broken nose, but it's the other way

:_) User's nose is sliding off of his face

:<) User is from an Ivy League School

:-& User is tongue tied.

=3D:-) User is a hosehead

-:-) User is a punk rocker

-:-( (real punk rockers don't smile)

:=3D) User has two noses

+-:-) User is the Pope or holds some other religious office

`:-) User shaved one of his eyebrows off this morning

,:-) Same thing...other side

|-I User is asleep

|-O User is yawning/snoring

:-Q User is a smoker

:-? User smokes a pipe

O-) Megaton Man On Patrol! (or else, user is a scuba diver)

O :-) User is an angel (at heart, at least)

:-P Nyahhhh!

:-S User just made an incoherent statement

:-D User is laughing (at you!)

:-X User's lips are sealed

:-C User is really bummed

:-/ User is skeptical

C=3D:-) User is a chef

@=3D User is pro-nuclear war

*<:-) User is wearing a Santa Claus Hat

:-o Uh oh!

(8-o It's Mr. Bill!

*:o) And Bozo the Clown!

3:] Pet smilie

3:[ Mean Pet smilie

d8=3D Your pet beaver is wearing goggles and a hard hat.

E-:-) User is a Ham radio operator

:-9 User is licking his/her lips

%-6 User is braindead

[:-) User is wearing a walkman

(:I User is an egghead

<:-I User is a dunce

K:P User is a little kid with a propeller beenie

:-0 No Yelling! (Quiet Lab)

:-: Mutant Smilie

The invisible smilie

.-) User only has one eye

,-) Ditto...but he's winking

X-( User just died

8 :-) User is a wizard

C=3D}>;*{)) Mega-Smilie... A drunk, devilish chef with a toupee in an

updraft, a mustache, and a double chin

Alphabet Soup (silly humor)

Alphabet Soup

By Ken Hansen

Ok, this is what happens when your brain has I.D.D. (Idiotic

Derangement Disorder). You just get this silly urge to compose

sentences that are grammatically correct, starting each word with

the same letter of the alphabet. One sentence, of course for each

letter was mandatory.

I have this disease.

It is incurable. See below:

Ants and aardvarks are allowing alien attacks.

Be brave, bend bricks by blending beanstalks.

Can Christopher crash cars correctly?

Does disinfectant do damage directly?

Every early entry ensures enterprise.

Fine food from Finland feels funny.

Good God, George got granulated!

How has Harry held his hairy hatchling?

I instigated intelligent interruptions.

Jumping jellybeans, John's junk jingles!!

Klingon, keep kicking Ku Klux Klansmen!

Live long, laugh loudly, lounge laboriously.

My mom makes many more military meals.

Now now, no nitwits need newspapers.

Oh Ollie, observe our obstinate offspring!

Peter Piper peeled porous pepperoni packages.

Quit quipping quotable quips quarterly.

Remarkable rangers read red roadmaps.

Stan sings selfish songs, still stinks, same suit.

The tongs thrash their teeth to tell Tim tales.

Underneath Utah, underwater uncles undulate unrealistically.

Vivian verifies vertical venting very viciously.

Why would William want warts while whistling?

Xavier x-rays xenophobic xylophones.

Yes, yodel yearly, yelling "yahoo," you yellow-bellied yowler!

Zorro's zepplin zooms, zanily zonking zwiebacks.

Misdemeanor

A man was seen walking through downtown with a desk strapped to

his back, a typewriter under one arm, and a wastebasket under the

other. He was stopped by a policeman, asked what he was doing,

and arrested when he replied, . . . "Impersonating an office,

sir!"