The Devil

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville

wakes  up  early and goes to their local church. Before the service

starts , the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives,

their families,  etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!!  Everyone starts screaming

and  running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their

determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits

calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

Mother

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he

noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored

her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in

front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made

you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just

died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I

can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye

mother!' it would make me feel much better." "Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good Bye mother!" As he stepped

up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that

be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you

would pay for her," said the clerk.

The Bandit

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time

and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture,

and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy

search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put

his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest.

Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.

Fortunately, a bilingual politician was in the saloon and translated the

Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot

was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The politician answered, "He said, 'Get

lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

Tickets

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After 2

weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time. The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers. A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.

Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line.

"Guess who sent them."

The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in theeffort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.

And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on whichwas written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: "Now you know!"

Robinson Crusoe (Pun)

Robinson Crusoe fell desperately ill. Just before dropping into a coma,he called for his man Friday to help him. Friday, not knowing what else to do, went outside of Crusoe's tent and danced around and prayed for the gods to come and help his master. Shortly afterwards, he went back into Crusoe's tent and found his master awake and staring at a beautiful glowing shape at the foot of his bed.

"Who is that?" Robinson Crusoe asked.

His helper answered, ... "Thank Friday! It's God!"

Three Animals (puns)

Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best: The first,

a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything

repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance. The second, a lion,

based his claim on his strength---none in the forest dared to challenge him.

The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to

frighten off any creature. As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear

came along and swallowed them all: hawk, lion and stinker!

Racist

On a BA flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African Lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.

"What seems to be the problem Madam?" asked the attendant. "Can't you see?" she said, " You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"

"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do - I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class."

The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers).

A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin: " Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken tothe cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class." Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues... "It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person."

Having said that, the stewardess turned to the black man sitting next to the lady, and said: "So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..."

At which point, apparently the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the black man walked up to the front of the plane...