Once upon a time, there were a group of all different kinds of bugs.

They decided to have a race between each different kind of bug. Each

species got a little bug-sized car, and on the license plate was

written the first initial of the kind of bug (for example: the fire-

fly car had an "F", the ladybug car had an "L", etc.) On the snail

car, a big "S" was printed on the license plate.

The race started and it was pretty even between all the bugs. But

soon, the snail car started slowing down until pretty soon it was in

last place. Everyone from the crowd watching started saying, . . .

"Watch that S car go."

There once was a young Puritan man, who had a great deal of difficulty

remembering the various rules of conduct in his community. He tried

hard, but was constantly being ridiculed because of some breach of

etiquette. In desperation, he asked an older man to teach him proper

manners. The task was formidable, and the older man's patience grew

thin, as he had to repeatedly chastise the younger man for his awkward

ways.

Finally, on the way into church one Sunday, the younger man started

into the building ahead of the older man. He was firmly collared by his

elder, who then allowed a lady to go in ahead of both of them. The young

man expressed his regret.

The older, losing his temper, screamed, "Cans't thou remember nothing?

How much easier can it become?" Pointing out the woman who had just

entered, he said, . . . "It is I before Thee, except after She!"

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide

which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor.

When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a

great poet and the other made delicious pancakes.

"Oh" said the counselor, "I see what the problem is. You can't

decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

This weekend while shopping in a local toy store, I came across a long

line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel. As

I scanned the line, I noticed a friend waiting with all the others. I

knew my friend had no daughters or young relatives, so I figured he must

like the dolls himself. "Bill," I said going up to him, "I didn't know

you were a collector!" "I'm not," he replied. "Oh," I said, "You're

buying a gift, then." "No, not at all," my friend responded. "If you

don't mind my asking then Bill," I said, "Why are you standing in this

line?" "Oh that," he answered. "It's like this," my friend stated,

"I've never been able to resist a barbie queue!"

Two Eskimos set out to hunt the fur bearing seals of the Arctic, They

loaded their small, two man canoe with all the gear they'd need and

sailed out into the cold ocean waters. Their hunt was very successful,

so successful, in fact, that the boat was overladen with seals and seal

skins. They had to throw many of their supplies away in order to stash

their rich cache of furs. On their way back to their village, they

encountered a fierce storm. In order to survive, they knew that they'd

have to build a fire to keep warm; but they had thrown all their fuel

out of the boat. Nevertheless, they managed to build a small fire in the

craft, but the fire blew out of control, sinking the boat and causing

the loss of all the furs. The Eskimos learned a valuable lesson: ... You

cant have your kayak and heat it too.

One day Mama Tomato, Papa Tomato, and Baby Tomato were taking a walk in

town. Now Baby Tomato was a distractible, mischievous sort, and try as

they might, they could not keep their son from dawdling and getting into

trouble.

All of the sudden, upon leaving a store, Mama Tomato looked around and

to her dismay, Baby Tomato was gone! "Oh No!" she cried, holding her

arms up in dismay.

Papa Tomato soon found him standing in front of the candy store window,

mesmerized by all its tasty treats. Papa Tomato grabbed Baby Tomato's

arm and half dragged him back to his sobbing mother, castigating him all

way.

Well, for any normal tomato this would have been enough, but soon, Mama

Tomato looked around, and once again, could not spot her son. This time

Papa Tomato found him in front of the toy store, eyeing a shiny

Hula-Hoop. This time Papa Tomato picked him up and carried him bodily

back to where his now-hysterical mother stood. "If you lag behind one

more time..." threatened the now-furious Papa Tomato.

But sure enough, once again, Mama Tomato looked around and discovered

that once again her son was missing. This time Papa Tomato found Baby

Tomato ogling the ice cream stand. At this, Papa Tomato turned purple

with rage, marched over to where his son was and, unable to control his

temper any longer, lifted up his leg and stomped on poor Baby Tomato's

head, yelling, ... "Catch up!!"

There once was a little green man living in a little green house on the

top of a little green hill. One day the little green man wanted to take

a bath so he went and took his little green bottle of shampoo and his

little green bar of soap and also his little green towel and into his

little green bathroom he went. As he took off his little green shirt and

his little green pair of shorts, he stepped under his little green tap

and started to bathe. Just then a saleswoman came to the front of the

little green man's house and rang on his little green bell. "Ting Dong".

THe little green man heard his little green bell and he thought that his

pizza had arrived so he hastily took his little green towel, wrapped it

around his little green waist and rushed to the door.

As he opened his little green door, his little green towel came undone,

and dropped unto his little green doormat, exposing his little green,

uh, nevermind. The saleswoman gave a shriek and rushed out of the little

green house. In all her haste and all her horror, she did not see the

Truck coming at 120 mph which struck her, killing her on the spot.

What is the morale of the story?

DON'T CROSS THE ROAD WHEN THE GREEN MAN IS FLASHING