Knowledge of Hindi needed to enjoy this joke.

 

Sholay Dialogues - the Compuwood version

Screenplay Writer: Unknown

 

Here is how Original Sholay dialogues would have sounded in Compuwood.

 

Gabbar sends Kaalia and his other two colleagues to Ramgad for collecting the

'loot-maar' software which he ordered. They reach Ramgad and start shouting:

'Abe ho thakur.Baahar nikal. Kaha hai wo loot-maar software jo hamne order kiya

tha'.

 

Dhaniya,an old man comes out with a floppy in his hand.

 

Kaalia - 'Kya laye ho dhaniya'

 

Dhaniya - 'Financial Accounting software hai sarkar'

 

Kaalia - 'Suwar ke bacche. Ye bekar software hamare liye banaya aur woh loot -

mar software kya apni beti ke baratiyon ke liye zip file mein chuppa rakha hai.

Haraam zada.'

 

Thakur comes out of his house with anger, saying 'Chillao matkaalia. Jaakar

gabbar se kah do ki Thakur Software walo ne paagal kutton ke liye software

banana bund kar diya hai'

 

Kaalia- 'Bahut garmi dikha rahe ho thakur. Koi naye programmers hire kiye hain

kya'

 

Thakur - 'Nazar utha kar dekh Kaalia tere sar par powerbuilder chal raha hai'.

 

Kaalia lifts his head. He sees Viru (Dharmendra) working on a PC on one water

tank and Jay (Amitabh) on another water tank.

 

Kaalia starts laughing and says 'Haa Haa...Ye log programming karenge

thakur.Haa haa.. inko to DOS commands bhi nahin aate. Suno ramgad ke vasiyon,

thakur ne hijdon ki software company banayi hai'

 

Veeru shouts - 'Chup chap chala ja kaalia, ham log consultants hain, kuch bhi

kar sakte hai'

 

Jay hits some commands on his keyboard. Then says 'Jao kaalia gabbar se kahna

ki uska server down ho gaya'

 

Kaalia - 'Jaata hoon thakur. Agar gabbar ko pata chala ki Thakur Software

services walon ne uska loot - maar software nahin banaya to wo poore network

mein virus daal dega'

 

At the GABBAR's den..

 

GABBAR:= Kittnay bugs thay?

 

KALIA: Do sarkaar.

 

GABBAR: Woh do! Aur tum teen. Phir bhee fix nahin kar sake? Kya soch kay aaye

thay? Gabbar bahut khus hoga. Naya assignment dega, kyoon? Iski saja milegi..

Barobar milegi!

 

[ Snatches an X terminal from a guy ]

 

Kitne sessions hain is machine mein?

 

GUY:= Chhay Sarkaar.

 

GABBAR:= Session chhay aur programmer teen. Bahoot nainsaafi hai.

[logout.. logout.. logout...]

 

Haan.. ab theek hai... Ab tera kyaa hoga kaalia?

 

KAALIA: Sarkaar, maine aapka code likha tha sarkar?

 

GABBAR: To aab documentation likh !!!

[LOGOUT.....]

 

Producer: Unknown

 

Assorted Smiles

 

A man named Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle with two

large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks, "What's in

the bags?" "Sand," answers Juan to which the guard replies, "We'll just

see about that..." The guard takes the bags, rips them apart, empties

them out and finds nothing but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has

the sand analyzed, but discovers that it really is nothing but pure sand.

Finally, the guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them

onto the man's shoulders and lets him cross the border.

 

A week later, the same thing happens, Juan approaches the border on his

bicycle with two bags of sand. The guard asks him, "What have you got?"

and Juan replies, "Sand." Again the guard does a thorough examination and

discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back

to Juan, who crosses the border.

 

This sequence is repeated every day for several months until finally the

guard is sitting in a Cantina in Mexico and Juan walks in. "Hey, Buddy,"

says the guard to Juan, "I know you're smuggling something... It's been

driving me crazy. It's all I think about! I can't sleep. Just between you

and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

***************************************************************

Lawyer Joke

A New York divorce lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter

asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

 

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a

homeless person on the street."

 

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record and after a moment

Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine,

but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

 

The lawyer said, "Wait, Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a

homeless person a quarter."

 

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back affirming this

too had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do

you suggest we do with this fellow?"

 

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's

give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

*************************************************************

The Artist

 

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any

interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have

good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good

news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and

wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death."

"When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your

paintings."

 

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad

news?"

 

"The guy was your doctor..."