Mischievous Brothers

There were two young brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly

mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they

had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control

them.

Hearing about a rabbi nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother

suggested to her husband that she would ask the rabbi to talk with the

boys and he agreed.

The mother went to the rabbi and made her request. He agreed, but said

he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent the

younger to the rabbi.

The rabbi sat the boy down across his HUGE, impressive desk. For about

five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the rabbi

pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Young man, where is God?"

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around,

then said nothing.

Again, louder, the rabbi pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

Again, the boy looked all around but said nothing.

A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the rabbi leaned far across

the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked,

"Young man, I ask you, where is God?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother,

he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they

usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We're in

Bi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-g trouble."

The older boy asked, "What do you mean, 'BIG trouble?'"

His brother replied, "I'm tellin' ya', we're in BIG trouble. God is

missing and they think we did it !!!"

THOSE TEXANS

A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the Pearly

Gates.

"Show me what you got, Pete," said Tex. St. Peter swung open the gates

and revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers,

streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings.

"We've got that in Texas. We call it King Ranch" said Tex.

St. Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on

The countryside, riding coaches, swinging, swimming, riding horses,

bicycling, etc.

"We've got that, too. We call it Six Flags."

Whereupon. St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out

shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of flame

sweeping over the entire area. The blinding light and heat were enormous.

"We don't have that," said Tex, "but we've got a guy in Houston who can

put it out."

Three Ladies Getting Old

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting

older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of

mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't

remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a

sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself

on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I

was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that

problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the

table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

Arnie Says

A movie producer was planning his next blockbuster--an action

docudrama about famous composers. So he set up a meeting with

Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Arnold Scwarzenegger

and offered them a chance to select which famous musicians they'd

portray.

"I've always admired Mozart," Stallone said. "I'd love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme. "That's the

part for me."

The producer turned to Schwarzenegger. "And you, Arnold? Who do you

want to be?"

There was a long silence, then he replied, "I'll be Bach."

From _Reader's Digest_, Feb 1999.

WRONG NUMBER

Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem.

But unlike most people she did something about it.

The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had

acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.

From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for

her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she

had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number.

Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change

its stationery. The phone company was not helpful, either. A number

was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's

calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell

on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.

At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the

motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leola said, "No

problem. How many nights?"

A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with

two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential

Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary

said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit.

"No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."

The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an

electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day

weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans

from World War II.

She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she

could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in

the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her

daughter's wedding in June.

Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she

would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care

of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the

floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up.

Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking,

but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."

Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.

People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen

parties and were all told there were no such events.

Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the

motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from

Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."

Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone

number."

Received from Steve Sanderson.

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-

law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke

to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted

on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and

started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they

came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up

against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood

facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into

this mess, let him get himself out of it."