Plain Words

 The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around
the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he
said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong
with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my
wife."

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Two Monkeys

Two monkeys walk into a bar and order a couple of beers.

The barman had never served monkeys before so he was a little taken aback.

He decides to consult with his manager, so runs up to the upper office to speak with Ian.

"Ian! There are two monkeys downstairs ordering beers! What do I do?".

"Serve them you idiot. Oh, but wait: monkeys are stupid, so charge them twice the price. They won't know the difference."

The barman goes back down to the bar, serves up the beer, and charges the monkeys double.

Later in the evening, the monkeys are still nursing the same beers while the barman's tidying up.

Curious about these furry visitors, the barman comments: "Say, we don't get a lot of monkeys around here...".

The monkeys look at each other and then back at the barman. One of them answers, "Well, with prices like these, no wonder!"