HUMOUR
The Pope and one of his top cardinals were taking a long train ride one day. The Pope was doing a crossword puzzle, and the cardinal was reading the Bible. Suddenly the Pope asked the cardinal,
“What’s a four letter word for ‘woman” ending in u,n,t?”
The startled cardinal stammered for a bit, then said,
“Uh, er, aunt! Yes, aunt!”
“Oh, of course,” said the Pope, “Got an eraser?”
Patrick and Kevin were digging up the road outside the brothel when they noticed the vicar approaching in a hurry before ducking into the entrance.
“Did yer see that?” said Patrick. “The dirty Protestant minister sneaking in for his share of sin. What a hypocrite!”
After about twenty minutes they see a rabbi make a swift entry into the brothel.
“Didja see that?” said Kevin, “the Jews are no better.”
About an hour went by when they spotted Father McGuire hurry in to the brothel.
“Kevin,”said Patrick, “take off your hat. One of those poor girls must be dying in there.”
The Pope and Casanova arrived at Heaven on the same cloud. While the Pope hung around the gates meeting and greeting a few friends Casanova went straight in. When the Pope entered he bumped into Casanova at the reception and said:
“I want nothing more than to kneel at the feet of the Virgin Mary. Do you know where I can find her?”
Casanova said, “Yes, but you are too late Father!”
One priest says to the other.
“Do you think the Pope will ever allow priests to marry?”
“Not in our time”, replied his colleague, “maybe in our children’s time.”
Patrick had always wanted to marry a virgin so he chose a girl who had attended convent school all her life. In the lobby of the hotel in which they were to spend their wedding night they passed the bar and the bride was surprised to see so many single women there. “I’m afraid they are prostitutes,” said Patrick and was delighted to hear her next question: “What’s a prostitute?” she asked.
“A prostitute,” said Patrick with disdain, “is a woman who will go to bed with any man for money.” “Really,” said the bride with amazement, “the priests only gave us lollies.”
Colonel Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken fame was exploring new ways to advertise. He phoned Vatican City and asked to speak to the Pope, indicating that he would like to make a sizable donation.
“Hello, my son,” said the Pope.
“Hello, your Holiness,” said the Colonel. “I am calling because I would like to make a generous donation to the Church.
“How nice! Why don’t you send it in the mail?” said the Pope.
“You want me to send a hundred million dollars in the mail?”
“One hundred million dollars!!! Of course not. My representatives can visit you at your convenience. Bless you my son!”
“But there is one little string attached” said the Colonel.
“You know that part in the Lord’s prayer where you say ‘Give us this daily bread’? I’d like that changed to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken’.”
“Oh, I see…” The Pope covers the phone and asks the cardinal attending him, “How long do we still have on that Hi-Fibre bread contract?”
Assalamu Alaikum!
Before coming to Islam I used to be a typical Western whore, that’s right, a slut!! I worked in a place where there were men and would wear short dresses, make up and clothing which revealed my arms and neck. I would even shake hands with the men and I dated my husband before we were married! I would go out of the house without my husband and even attend parties where alcohol was served and where men and women would mingle.
Recently my family and I have finally seen the light and heeded Allah’s call. I burned all my miniskirts, make up and books other than the Koran and poured the vintage wine and French perfume down the toilet. It nearly took all day to burn my collection of Cleo, Dolly and Cosmo magazines which date from the seventies.
We then rushed down to the nearest mosque and declared the Shahada. On the way back we stopped at a fabric wholesale outlet and I purchased 50 meters of thick, black fabric so that I can fully cover my offending body, face and hair in accordance to Allah’s law. I would not want to drive all the men in the neighborhood mad with desire and cause them to want to commit adultery!
All my son’s computer games, Pokemon cards and PS2 have also been burned, now he only watches Jihad videos, the ones showing the beheadings of the infidels are his favourites. We plan to sent him off to Saudi Arabia so that he can learn how to beat his wife correctly and be taught to recite the Koran in Arabic – so that Allah can understand him! He is thirteen years old, just the right age, any older and we would risk losing him to the Western decadent culture. We took our eleven year-old daughter out of school (luckily we got her out before they started the sex education classes) to marry her off to a good Muslim man – a mature man in the car export business with three other wives. That way she will be kept busy with household chores, yearly pregnancies and would be less likely to be corrupted by Western immorality. She will be getting her first period in her husband’s house – the way Allah intended.
My husband is on the lookout for three more wives so that ALL his needs will be fully catered for, while I am having my monthly pollution or recovering from the Koran-sanctioned beatings – sex can be awkward when your legs are in plaster and your jaws are held together with wires. He already approached the neighbors and asked if he could have their nine-year old daughter – that way he can guarantee that he will be getting a virgin, free from AIDS and be less likely to be tempted by Satan to commit adultery. Unfortunately the neighbors do not understand about Islam and have called the police, my husband is now under investigation. It’s terrible how the decadent Western society has no respect for the law of Allah and how Muslims are discriminated against when they want to practice their religion and culture. Satan is found everywhere: human rights conferences, refuges for battered wives, schools that teach evolution and sex education, police stations, video shops, nightclubs - just to name a few.
Two houses away from us live a family of unbelieving Vietnamese who persist with burning incense for their idols which are housed in a miniature shrine in their front veranda. We tried in vain to convince them to destroy those evil statues, one night we sent my son to sneak over and smash them up – the statues – he ended up being chased away by the husband who shouted insults at us in Vietnamese.
We have had enough of the intolerance, racism and persecution and are thinking of moving to Saudi Arabia, where Allah’s law reigns supreme and where we can live in total freedom!
Muslimah Jihadi
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