Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organised Knowledge device (BOOK)

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits,no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere - even sitting in an armchair by the fire - yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM.

Here's how it works. Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a cover which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into the brain via the optic nerve. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session - even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single Bookmark can be used in BOOKs by different manufacturers.

Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment medium of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus.

A friend of mine has been having some trouble upgrading his system:

Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2. which he'd used for years without trouble.

Apparently there are conflicts between these 2 systems, and the only option was to try to run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications such as Boys Night Out 3.1, Golf 2.0 and Playboy 6.0.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0 had many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks. He eventually tried reinstalling Girlfriend 1.0 whilst still running Girlfriend 4.0, only to discover that these 2 systems detected each other and caused severe damage to his hardware.

Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover to his dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, whilst Wife 1.0 does use up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus.

You can imagine my friends disappointment on discovering that FreeSexPlus will only run on well warmed up system, and even then you can't guarantee full access as it also refused some of the new plug-ins he'd been keen to try.

Wife 1.0 also has a rather unattractive pop-up called Mother-in-law, which cannot be turned off.

My friend has recently been tempted to try out Mistress98, but there could be problems. If Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress98, it will delete all MS Money files and then un-install itself.

Last year, my sister upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the system began making unexpected changes to it's accounting software, severely limiting access to the wardrobe, flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was mentioned in the upgrade brochure.

Husband 1.0 has a tendency to install new and undesirable programs such as Poker Night 1.3, Football 5.0 and Clutter Everywhere 4.5. It must also be noted that Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and any attempt to force it will result in the system shutting down.

The new system also seems incapable of running House Cleaning 2.6 and use of the all-purpose utility Nagging 5.3 seems to be of limited use.

This is apparently a very common problem, but it is due to the fact that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, whereas Husband 1.0 is an operating system and was specifically designed to run as few applications as possible.

It isn't possible to un-install Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0 because hidden operating files would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0 so nothing is gained.

Any new program files can only be installed once per year as Husband 1.0 has a severely limited memory. Error messages are common and are a normal part of running Husband 1.0.

There is however a wonderful hidden feature of Husband 1.0 which is an integral part of the operating system. Under this feature, Husband 1.0 must assume all responsibility for all faults and problems, regardless of the root cause. To activate this feature, simply enter the command "C:\ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 needs to be run simultaneously, but Husband 1.0 will then run the applications Apologise 8.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 4.1.

A final technical tip - overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 or, worse, BeerWithTheLads 6.0.

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - typically one club and two balls.
2. Play on the course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole, but to keep the balls out.
4. For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. The course owner is permitted to check the suitability of equipment before play begins.
5. The course owner reserves the right to restrict club size in order to prevent damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered extremely bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take his time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to the well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing. Upset course owners have been known to damage or even confiscate player's equipment for this reason.
9. Players are advised to bring proper rain gear for protection.
10. Players should ensure that the match has been correctly scheduled, particularly when playing a new course for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not automatically assume that the course is available for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players may be able find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for the pruning of any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with and approach to the hole.
13. Players must obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back 9.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.