Sleep is a wonderful thing, don’t you think? I just got a good 10 hours, a major luxury in this day in age. Okay, I’ll shut up now.

Count me in as one of the anti-Manny in Right Field club members. Manny, by all reports, has not taken any fly balls in left field. While I think this is absolutely impossible during the entire course of spring training, I can’t argue with my sources. As Manny showed in the first game of spring training against the twins, he sometimes screws up routine plays. Yes, it is still spring training, but it just drove home the point that his defense is like an ice cube compared to Trot’s flame (Side note: Carl Everett made an amazing dive, which he just barely missed, which resulted in an inside the park home run. I love Carl). If Manny plays in Right Field for an extended period of time, expect a couple of those to happen over the course of the season. Also, expect a ton more doubles and errors.

However, there is a chance of a silver lining in this. Imagine, if you will, the Troy O’Leary of the 1999 season. Imagine an outfield of Troy, Carl, and Manny. New York, eat your heart out! It would be a full hundred RBI man outfield. Add to that Stynes and Offerman hitting in the one and two holes, Nomar hitting third, and Bichette hitting seventh! Dauber hitting in the 8 hole and Varitek hitting in the 9 hole? I’m drooling! No, stop; let reality catch up to me.

Okay, I guess what I’m trying to say is this, O’Leary has looked good this spring; it’s his contract year. Nixon always looks good because of his potential. There are different advantages to each lineup, except if Trot plays left and Manny plays right. Someone please get me Frank Mancini’s number. Frankie or someone needs to tell Manny that he can play left field well. If it turns out we don’t trade O’Leary, then it’s acceptable if Manny plays right, although it’s not my favorite. People overreact to Manny’s defensive deficiencies; it won’t be that bad. If we were to keep O’Leary though, trade D-Lew. Trot, under no circumstances, should be traded. Trot is the second best defensive outfielder we have after D-Lew and stays well above the Mendoza line, unlike our offensively challenged 5th outfielder. Trade D-Lew to a NL team, they need defensive replacements a hell of a lot more than an AL team. Hey! How about Darren Lewis for Jeff Kent or Russ Ortiz or Jeff Bagwell? Move Bagwell back to third!

One piece of information to chew on: Among the DH and three outfield spots, there are 648 man games. Divide that number by the five players who probably will see time at those positions, Trot, Troy, Carl, Manny, and Dante, and you get 129.6 games, rounded down to 129. Figure 3.5 at bats per game, and you get an average of 451 at bats per person. I expect the number of at bats per game to be closer to 4, but I’m making a very bad statistical prediction to illustrate a point. Trot, if Jimmy manages well, will get playing time in Right Field and will get plate appearances. And injuries will undoubtedly play a part in the amount of time he gets. I’m still advocating trading O’Leary for good prospects, like a 2B and pitching. Here’s hoping that O’Leary has an amazing year, and gets traded to a NL team for prospects.

Oh yeah, how great was it to turn on the radio last night around 10 and hear the familiar voices of Joe and Jerry calling a Sox game? It’s that time of year folks, not Christmas, baseball! I’m getting giddy.

This is the inappropriate section for most readers, read on only if you like dumb jokes.

Manny Ramirez’s jersey number (24) plus Pedro’s jersey number (45) equals 69. Scary, huh?

I heard the bullpen custodian quit when he heard Cone was the projected #2 starter. What the hell was the guy waiting for? I mean, he had Rich Garces and Rod Beck in there already! It must have been horrible, filling the pig trough and then running like hell to get out of their way.

Next year, if Pedro is still big, he should be on the cover of SI, staring down the camera with his shirt off, holding two baseballs next to his crotch, ala “Baseketball”, the dumbest movie ever.

Our new Jeter chant: O-VER PAID! O-VER PAID! O-VER PAID! O-VER PAID!

Knoublach had his first error of the season in his first game. Some things never change. It’s the return of Chucky, folks!

Anyone see the article in the globe about biomechanics and why Pedro is so good? The best part was when they called Roger Clemens a “gorilla.” Want a banana?

Manny Ramirez looks like a big teddy bear. A very freaky teddy bear with funny hair. He’s what I imagine Fuzzy Wuzzy would look like on crack.

If Pete Schourek grew a beard, he’d be identical to Mike Lansing. They’d be the “I suck” brothers of baseball. It would be the opposite of what Pedro and Ramon were a couple years ago.

My comment to Cleveland regarding the signing of Juan Gonzalez: What the hell were you thinking?

Cleveland is going to suck this year. Yet another reason I am against the unbalanced schedule. I wanted to go back in there and kick the crap out of them.

Toronto, Baltimore, Tampa Bay, prepare to get run over.

You know your franchise is in deep shit if your message board has a post called “I think Melvin Mora is going to have a good year.” If you Baltimore fans are too dumb to understand, I’m talking about YOU!

If the Sox ever cut Chris Stynes, he would fit in perfect in Boston. He could be a bouncer at the Buzz Club, where Paul Pierce was stabbed. It gives me nightmares. Imagine walking down a dark Back Bay street and seeing Chris Stynes walk up to you. I’d piss my pants as I threw my wallet at him.

Brian Daubach has qualified for my All-Ugly team. He joins Jorge Posada, Luis Sojo, Darrel Strawberry, and Tino Martinez of the Yankees.

Brian Daubach also qualified for my All-Gorilla team. He joins Roger Clemens as the only active members. Ever see the movie Congo? Me neither.

Take a look at Trot Nixon’s ears…he’s a badass version of dumbo.

What do you get when you cross Trot Nixon with a Jumbotron? Dumbotron! (Yes, you may now scratch your eyes out.)

My All-Fat team:
Dante Bichette, leadoff
Rod Beck, #2
Rich Garces, #3
Juan Diaz, cleanup

Saying Juan Diaz is pretty nimble for a fat guy is like saying Rosanne Arnold is pretty good looking for a fat woman.

My spell check just tried to replace Knoublach with “knoblike.” HAHA!

My situation with the ladies is going downhill by the day. Another one hooked up with a different friend of mine. This SUCKS! Thanks for taking pleasure in my social anguish, you sick sadists!

Christina Aguilera and Ricky Martin’s “Nobody want to be lonely” has been officially replaced by Britney Spears vs. Hot Boys “Born to Make you Bling” and Dr. Dre and Ice Cube’s “Natural Born Killaz.” Yes, I’m that depressed. No, I’m not going to pull a Columbine! What the hell is wrong with you people?!

Yeah, I’ll stick to sports writing instead of comedy, shut up.

hbrennan@hotmail.com