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God knows with which black cat i will come eye
to eye, with which woman's laughter i will frown
and what kind of harrasments i will be exposed
to.. Although the black circles under my eyes
i found myself at the street. it was early in
the morning. i was thinking about my homosexuality,
talking to myself, moving with birds and coming
closer and closer to the sun. Each time i come
closer i was burning, i was bleeding. But sun
always meant hope for me. The birds i move with
were the wrong ones? i don't know. My depressive
state didn't just come to surface out of blue.
i guess it just started with my mother who
understood that i am lesbian. The chairs of
psychologists always terrified me. The questions
they ask, false answers i gave and my life,
my being woman and me.. Hurraaaay!! This is
the first car passing by and harrasment started
immediately!! Is it so obvious? is it so obvious
that i am lesbian? Or just i am making it known
to whole world?? i feel dizzy, i want to hold
on to the woman who is by my side but i can't.
Ý guess she doesn't want to be hold on. She
is shooting daggers and i am running away from
there half unconcious..
i just wandered around all day to here.. to
there.. i am bored of being here and there!!!
Which day today was? Which daily harrasment
wrapped around our body today? Deprived of a
couple of eyes, as if hidden among bushes i
am walking at the istiklal street (though there
are not any bushes at istiklal!). street is
full of corrupted souls. Suddenly i stop and
wish to give my mask to a woman... but she even
doesn't want to borrow it. For a moment i feel
like getting high, i want to take shelter in
the sun with the help of the doves. What's that?
The dove is all burnt. i am not able to refrain
myself, i just think "what? This dove is also
lesbian?" i get out of my mother's womb as if
i tear it. i am causing pain to every woman
in my life. i feel like aching, at the same
time i feel like complaining, at the same time
i feel like crying. What is this being depressive?
What is this torture? i am asking to myself..
asking over and over and over again..
i shake out of my dreamlike state with the
exclaimation "psst! look at the dyke!" even
i feel like disgusted by it. as if the answers
of my questions explode on my face i start to
dream of a cold shover. I am in my room now,
i am in my cage. i am closing all the blinds
for no on to see me, no one to feel me. Noo!
i am not ashamed of myself. Just an instant
camouflage, a place to hide.. i pull the quilt
over my head and dream that i am at the military
for a while. Noo! i am not going mad too! Just
babling. i am begging for sleep to claim my
body nowadays.. in my ears there are the harsh
words of harassment..
Sappho 2002
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