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How to Recognise a Kev
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Below you will find a description of a kev, and it's significant
other, sometimes known as a 'Shaza'. Information on kev communication (including
a kev dictionary), what to do if you know a kev & what to do if you are
a kev.
How to Recognise a Kev (Top)
Your average kev has an obsession
with wearing teflon covered tracksuits, in general, sporting offensive ticked
or naked woman designs. Not all kevs use public transport. However, do not fear,
kev-mobiles are easy to spot. Before you see the car you will note a particularly
disturbing noise polluting the surrounding air. This is known by kevs as 'happy
hard-core'. The car itself will be a white ford escort. You may notice cases
when it is a fiesta; do not worry, this is perfectly normal. All this means
is that all the ford escorts in their area have particularly good security systems.
It appears that for some bizarre
reason kevs develop the urge to reproduce much earlier than their genetic cousins,
humans. It is not uncommon to see what we might consider to be a very young
kev with offspring. Through scientific study of the species it seems that it
is the pedal pusher and boob-tube wearing sect that produces the most kevlets
so early on in life. It is convenient for our kev-spotting purposes that all
kevs look identical. However, be careful, this is no mere coincidence; it is
a cunning plan masterminded by kevs for their own defence. Male kevs will wear
the traditional tracksuits and Nike trainers. Their hair will be very short,
held in place by a superfluous amount of hair gel. The reason for this is to
complement the greasy theme which all kevs present so masterfully on their faces.
The females will have, without exception, peroxide blonde hair in a wet perm.
Normally this will be scraped back into a ponytail or bun in such a way as to
use the maximum amount of scrunchies. Note: scrunchies must be white or an offensive
fluorescent colour. In keeping with their male counterparts, the females spray
their hair securly into position, to such an extent that you will notice the
ponytail will not move, neither will the two bits of hair, strategically left
out of their chosen hair style and cemented on either side of their faces. The
reason for wearing their hair tied up is to show off their gold hoop earrings
and line of unblended bright orange foundation around the edge of their faces.
Communication with kevs is very
difficult as the language they speak is quite far removed from that spoken by
normal people. They feel the need to use expletives for every other word, also
kevspeak is difficult to comprehend as they move their lips as little as possible,
producing a vague muttering noise, indecipherable to non-kevs. Click here to
see our kev dictionary.
What to do if you know a kev (Top)
If from the study of the above trademarks
you realise that you know a kev, don't worry or panic, there are steps that
you can take to rectify the situation. Unfortunately, once trendiness has set
in there is little hope for recovery or chance of reform. This means that for
the benefit of mankind, to avoid the further spreading of this kev-epidemic,
there is only one effective course of action. The subject must immediately be
humanely put to sleep. However, normal people do not normally associate with
kevs, so if you are aquainted with many kevs you may have to consider the possibility
that you yourself could be a kev.
A Kev
Here we get to see this strange
species, up, close, and personal. But obviously from the saftly and comfort
of your own home.
Hover your mouse over the pictures for a brief description
of that area. This valuable information may save your wallet one of these days
if you know what to look out for.
Remember the following rules when faced with a kev:
"Hand on wallet" (Kevs can't get jobs, or should
I say 'can't be bothered to' so they steal all their money)
"Avoid eye Contact" (In their language this is just like saying 'come
and av a go if you think you hard enough!') "Duck and Cover" (Their
a bit like a volcano)
"Don't panic!" (Kevs can smell fear from a mile away, surprising actually
that anything can overpower their own smell)
"Don't approach"
(Leave this to the experts and the stupid)
What to do if you are a kev (Top)
As with most illnesses, it you are willing to admit
that you have a problem there is hope that you will make a full recovery. However,
if you recognise any of the symptoms in yourself and do not believe there is
anything is wrong this is the time to take drastic action. There is no need
to panic though, many forms of suicide are painless.
To any kevs who don't like what the've just read.
If you are a kev and wish to send us hate mail please do.
We love having a laugh reading your stupid comments like "Get it off ya
site or me crews gonna get ya!" Maybe we will make a section and put up
the best 'hate mail' from kevs. Send it in now. email.
Please understand we take it if you send us hate mail that you wish us to use
its content for others amusement, any comments by you to stop its publishment
will be deemed illegal. Thank you for your time in reading this useful bit of
kev-know-how.
Kev aka's
The Definative list of Kev names/slangs can be found in our
Kev dictionary.
If you have any information on kevs which you would like
to share with the rest of us please send
it in.