Frequently Asked Questions about COD

1. What on earth is COD?

COD stands for Cult of Dan. It is a highly successful, internet-based cult, designed to turn ordinary, decent people (much like yourself) into helpless, mindless slaves, at the mercy of an insane, sexually rapacious megalomaniac, namely Dan. COD members are required to give up all free will and capacity for independent thought, to obey all of Dan's decisions without question, and to hand over all their money.

2. Who is Dan?

Dan is a sick, twisted individual with an extensive history with both the psychiatric profession and the police. (On one occasion, Dan was actually jailed for assaulting a police officer and spanking him with a kielbasa.) He suffers from megalomania, delusions, and multiple personality disorder. One of his "personalities" (the main, or "Dan" personality) is a transvestite; another (who calls himself "The Other Story" or "TOS") is a nudist who enjoys having sex with a goat (Betsy). Dan claims that his goat can speak to him, and that TOS was cloned from cells from his own body, and is therefore his son. He refers to them as "the sacred CODhead", or "the father, the son and the holy goat".

3. How did COD get started?

As near as we can determine, Dan proclaimed himself the Chosen One and began gathering followers sometime in the fall of 1999. At first, he confined himself to preying upon weak and emotionally unstable people among his own circle of friends and co-workers in Brockton. His main tools were a COD recruitment chain letter, and a weekly publication known as Fresh COD. As a result of these early experiments, Dan discovered he had a considerable talent for mind-manipulation. After watching about fifteen of his friends and acquaintances slip into total helplessness and become putty in his hands, Dan began to enjoy the experience and thirst for more worlds to conquer. Late in 1999, Dan set himself up on the internet with a COD website, and then a yahoo club called "COD the Cult of Dan". Suddenly, Dan's reach was worldwide. No one was safe from his diabolical gift for mind-enslavement.

Thanks to Dan's unremitting efforts hanging out in sleazy chatrooms, impersonating celebrities, and enticing impressionable young people, COD now has followers in many parts of the world. At present, there are over 300 CODists in the United States, Canada, Jamaica, England, Scotland, Wales, the Netherlands, Norway, Finland, France, Switzerland, Italy, Turkey, Egypt, China, Hong Kong, Vietnam, Malaysia and Australia! CODists continually attempt to spread the reach of this frightening organization by drugging their friends and relatives for brainwashing.

4. What do CODists believe?

CODists (or CODlemites, as they like to call themselves) are completely mind-enslaved and believe anything Dan tells them. As a result, their beliefs are truly bizarre. Dan seems to get his kicks out of making his followers swallow a belief system that would make normal people dissolve into helpless laughter. But make no mistake, these people actually DO believe it!

 Like many loopy cults, Dan's cult began with a prediction of the imminent end of the world. (N.B. In saying this, I in no way wish to disparage the admirable efforts of those who attempt to predict the imminent end of the world according to sound, traditional methods of biblical interpretation.) Dan proclaimed that the present order of things would end on a certain day after an episode of "Pinky and the Brain". The exact day, sometime in the fall of 1999, has been suppressed and is never mentioned anywhere in the cult's literature, no doubt because Dan was a little humiliated at the failure of his prophecy. When the world failed to end as predicted, it looked as if Dan's cult was finished. But Dan pulled his chestnuts out of the fire by proclaiming that the world actually HAD ended, and that this current world was simply an illusion generated by Binky, a psychotic magic elf who is Dan's illegitimate child, and who lives in an oversized pair of boxer shorts on the moon Europa. This fiendishly clever ploy has actually allowed Dan to develop a death-grip on his poor followers' minds. Since the entire world is an illusion, Dan is free to tell his followers whatever he wants them to regard as real. CODists will regularly deny the most obvious facts, if Dan tells them to do so.

 All cults need enemies to sustain fanaticism, and the primary enemy of COD is the imaginary elf named Binky.  CODists even claim to travel to outer space and engage in wars with this being, while under the influence of various psychotropic drugs which Dan regularly gives them.

 Like most megalomaniacs, Dan becomes continually more delusional, as his ambitions are fed by mindless adulation. At one point, Dan even claimed to have died and then risen again from the dead! His followers swallowed this hook, line and sinker. The enemy who killed him was, of course, "Binky". Dan even had "Binky" take over the cult for a time, while he was "dead". Dan plays "the Binky card" over and over, to terrify his followers into ever deeper degrees of submission. They fall for it every time.

5. What sort of deviant practices do CODists engage in?

 CODists engage in a large number of bizarre and repellent "religious" practices. On entry into the cult, prospective members are given a new slave name by Dan. Overnight, your precious Tiffany, Jason or Chelsea can be converted into "Moonsault Nipple" or "Hopping Genital Crustacean". The purpose of this renaming is to break the connection with the pre-COD identity, and to set up the convert for further humiliation.

 In addition to Dan's remarkably successful brainwashing procedure (the precise nature of which still remains unfortunately shrouded in mystery), Dan has numerous methods for humiliating and degrading his little pawns. Members suffer regular physical abuse, being spanked with sandwiches and chained to wheels of lust by Dan's goat. At least two people (an ex-convict named Spike, and a poor innocent veterinarian) are known to have sustained permanent physical and psychological damage as a result of this treatment.

But there is more. One aspect of Dan's control over his slaves is almost too horrible for decent people to contemplate. But face it we must. Dan's famous vat of lime jello exists specifically to turn sweet, innocent young people into panting sex-maniacs. There Dan caresses their silky young skin, and brings their firm lithe bodies into throbbing, pulsating life under his all-too-practised hands, until they are driven to frenzies of ungodly lust and pleasure beyond their wildest dreams. Once their dark desires are fully awakened, they will do anything, and I do mean ANYTHING, to please their new master. I personally have spent many nights of anguish, imagining in detail the acts which Dan forces his poor playthings to perform, going over and over them in my mind, until I was sick at the very thought. How can we not long to comfort these poor young people, to reach out and lay a loving hand on their shoulder, to try and lead them away from the control of this appalling deviant?

6. This so horrible, Rev. Dick! What can I do to combat COD?

 I'm glad you asked me that question. To combat COD, we must know what COD is, and how it relates to the destiny of the world. I invite you to consider this question with me in the next section, COD in Bible Prophecy.

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