Fucking hell! My neurotic self has, once again, hit rock bottom. Everyone is out to get me, everyone is against me, everyone hates me! Sounds like a teenager whining, right? Well, you'd be wrong in thinking that because it's not a teenager, it's me - the 23-year-old me who has been feeling ancient lately. Still, I can't seem to keep these bittersweet self-bashing thoughts away.

It's not like I can't name reasons for it. The whole thing with Sally's father to begin with, which brought back memories of my grandfather's funeral. I've been in denial about my grandpa ever since it happened. Last December I semi-consciously stopped thinking about it. I didn't visit his grave, I never mentioned him when talking to my grandmother, I shut it out because Christmas is a time for happiness and thinking about the fact that he's not there anymore would've completely destroyed the happiness. Looking back, I think it's what actually made Christmas miserable last year - it was all too fresh. And only now does my brain think that his death should be processed, that I'm strong enough to take it.

Except that I'm really not. I've made such a mess of my life and need to get it back on track before digging up old stuff. I'm heavily in debt and don't know how I'll be able to repay it. To get money for luxuries like food or rent I've taken on extra jobs only they don't pay out fast enough. The friend's accounting I've been struggling with for the last year should come to an end soon. Except that the auditor he uses is insane. Seriously, she's certifiably insane, because how else would you explain the things she demands. "How can there be a three cent difference here? What have you done?" Have you ever heard of rounding up? That's what accountants do! And I don't get paid enough for the trouble she puts me through. As a matter of fact, I don't know if I get paid at all since the company's not doing so well. I've been assured that the money is there but I'm having a hard time believing it. And the friend who hired me to do that is the one who hears about it first. I know it's unfair to complain and take it out on him but what can I do? Who can I take it out on, then?

I need distractions and I don't have many. I love the Hellhole but there's still so much to be done and being there just reminds me how far I am from getting it to look the way I want it to. I want to go to the gym but at the moment I really don't have the money for it. The minute I get money I'm going, though... At least it's something different to do, I have to concentrate on something besides my miserable situation in life. I need my friends around me but most of them are in Tartu or even further away. I miss you, guys! Why couldn't you just move to Tallinn when I did? (I'm nothing if not egocentric!)

*****

In other news... yesterday I missed my bedtime by an hour reading the saga of Fat. I didn't take it personally and only laughed at the comments that followed. In my opinion every debate has reached its end when a person adds "Fuck you!" as their main argument. And it only went downhill from there. But the entry did get me thinking about how we view people around us.

I've been living my life believing that people don't pay much attention to me, mainly because I don't pay attention to them. I don't draw conclusions about people I see on the street (except when I'm sitting in a bus. There I tend to come up with imaginary lives for people around me but I'm pretty sure those can't be true. There can't be that many secret agents around me!), I don't even think about them... if you leave aside the 'cute guy' or 'it must be uncomfortable walking in those shoes' thoughts. But after reading the Fat entry I started wondering if I was wrong in assuming that, if I'm some anomaly not judging people by their appearance. Briefly, I figured it might've been a cultural difference but that thought was soon overthrown. Estonians tend to be pretty judgmental when it comes to other people. I'm guessing it's just me and generally people do tend to draw conclusions about me based on my looks. I don't really care about that, though, because I really don't need their approval on how I run my life. Hopefully the people I do depend on dig a little deeper before forming an opinion.

The previous paragraph may've painted me a saint who doesn't judge others but (unfortunately) that's not true. I do judge people, not by their appearance but by their words. The first sentences uttered by them are those that make me form my opinion on whether they're nice, smart, conceited, friendly, pedantic etc. And that is also the reason why I put more stress on what I say instead of how I look when saying it. I don't ever want to appear stupid. I don't care if you call me ugly or tasteless or fat but if you call me an idiot I take offence. For some reason this is difficult to understand to most people and they manage to say things that insult me and make me (in my mind, at least) look stupid. And some of them have known me for ages, you'd think they understood that.

OK, this is getting childish and whiny again and that's not really what I want to write. Come to think of it, I don't much like this entry anyway but I really needed to blow off steam. So I won't be sending a letter to the notify list, hopefully I'll come up with something better in a few days and can send a much happier notice for that.

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