| Busy, so very busy |
First of all, sorry for being an idiot and not knowing how to read a calendar! The last notify list announcement led you to a page that doesn’t really exist. And that happened because I’m a total idiot! I’d forgotten to turn the pages of the calendar and was looking at the first Friday in August instead of the first Friday in September. I’ve, since then, fixed all the links and everything should be working. Please, let me know if it isn’t! And second of all, sorry for not updating! For once, it has had nothing to do with lack of topics, or procrastinating or laziness. I have, and that’s an absolute truth been very busy. With the Hellhole, of course, though it’s actually doesn’t resemble a hellhole anymore but a flat that I actually like. There’s a lot to be done but I’m afraid the final tune-up (if that word can be used to describe something that doesn’t have an engine) will have to wait for a few months till I’ve sorted out my finances. But I really like the Hellhole and I’ve already got used to the building’s little idiosyncrasies – like the fact that my neighbours have an awful taste in music and they insist everyone share it. Like the Insane Mother who at least has the decency to avert her eyes every time she runs into me (not enough decency to apologise for screaming at me but I didn’t expect that from her). Like the balcony (did I mention that I have a balcony? Yay!) that gets my slippers sandy but still draws me to it – no matter the temperature or weather. Like the smell of “newness” that the flat has right now because it has been painted and repainted. I could go on and on. Can you see I’m really excited about the Hellhole? I will not be going into the details of my redecorating work because that can be seen at the Chronology but I would like to say some words about the moving day. I officially moved into the Hellhole on the 13th of September, 2003. At that point the flat was far from being ready. The guys who were doing the plumbing were still in the bathroom doing whatever they had to do, nobody had done anything about the baseboards in the bedroom. But I moved in because that’s the way I had planned it. And I was happy with the decision – that is until everyone left. Because the minute I was alone I started freaking out! I was alone, totally alone! I only have one income and so many different things I have to spend it on: utilities, food, phone/internet/TV, different loans, clothes… The list goes on and on! And it’s not like I have anyone else to fill the fridge for me and buy my jeans for me. Technically, of course, I can go to my mum and ask for money but in actuality I can’t, not after the rants about independence and making it on my own. Who filled my head with this? Who was the idiot? Just bring back the 18th century where men had to take care of women! No, wait! On second thought, don’t! Because I would be here, in Estonia, and the peasant women here certainly didn’t have it easy – taking care of the household, bringing up kids, satisfying your husband and worrying about the next insane plot the German landlords were coming up with. And I suck at taking care of the household, I probably wouldn’t be any good at bringing up kids. I couldn’t satisfy the husband – not by the 18th century standards anyway, and worrying about any kind of landlord is not my idea of leisure. So I still have to trot along in the 21st century, without reprieve. *****
I don’t think I’ve mentioned that I have a roommate – Kelly. She was my classmate in secondary school and I shared a flat with her in Tartu for three years but after that we drifted apart. The reason for that was pretty simple: if all the detective novels say cherchez la famme! then in our case it was cherchez l’homme!. She fell in love! And just like that, she was gone from my friends list. It wasn’t my doing, really it wasn’t because I was only happy for her and I liked him too. But she drifted away, never having time for anything but him and never even considering what it might do to her other relationships. And Kelly was gone – for everyone. For two years I only saw her at parties that our classmates hosted, and even there she wasn’t always present. I stopped missing her because I don’t cling to the past. We had been close once but it was over. I wasn’t even angry, just sad that I’d lost a good friend. I found other good friends, I moved on.
And then, one day, she was back. Telling me she’d broken up with her boyfriend and that she needed a place to live while looking for a flat of her own. Acting as if nothing had changed during the two years. I was confused! Because she trusted me the way she’d trusted me before – behaved the way we had before, with the same degree of intimacy. It was strange and disconcerting but I ignored it because Kelly needed my help – she was broken up about the relationship having ended and she needed someone to talk to. So I did whatever I could – I listened when she was talking, I offered she can stay with me until she found her own place...
Do I regret it? Yes and no. I was looking forward to living alone, to the complete independence but I do like the fact that I’m starting to consider her a friend again. And the financial aspect of our arrangement is a nice cushion, too.
The last few paragraphs sound bitter and I can’t think of a way to make them better. But I’m not really bitter, not anymore. I’m truly sorry Kelly couldn’t work things out with her boyfriend and I’m glad she’s doing better. I just felt that I had to get it out of me somehow, because I’m no good at emotional confrontations. I much rather keep all the emotions inside and let the events cool down. Mind you, I can argue over the petty stuff with the best of them but when it comes to things that actually mean something, I keep my mouth shut. I never told Kelly what I felt when it still mattered, I’ve only ever told two guys I cared about them (note: cared, the L-word is a taboo!) though there have been many more, none of the guys I’ve gone out with know what I felt the day it ended – I don’t talk about that stuff. So, Kelly, if you happen to read this for any reason, no hard feelings – I just finally got it out of my system!
*****
written on the next day:
|
back to index
|