One night I was bored and didn't feel like going to sleep yet so I was just randomly clicking links that came my way. And I happened by this essay. After reading it I found that I agree with the author on so many levels. But it also made me think why I am keeping a journal. Naturally I'm going to list each and every one of them but first let me tell you how I came by the world of online journaling in the first place.

About a year and a half ago I was mildly obsessed with a game called the Sims. I still am to some extent (as the main website so amply demonstrates) but that's not the point right now. So… me… obsessed with Sims… abusing Google… And suddenly I stumble upon Mo's Sims stories, which are hilarious by the way. I think I read them all and also scanned some of her recent entries and decided that I want to belong to her notify list. Through her entries I found some other sites I now read frequently and one day (I think it was after I got back from the Netherlands and thus felt I had to write down everything that had happened) I figured "Why the hell not? I can write my own journal!" And so I did. It hasn't been very frequent thing in my life as you may see from the archives but for some reason I've always found reasons to come back to it.

And now I can finally get started on creating the list of reasons why I am writing this right now instead of doing… well, just about anything.

• Because I need to practice my English. That might not seem like the greatest reason ever but it's pretty important to me. When I graduated from secondary school my English was pretty good. I could translate words like 'asinine', unequivocal' and 'discrepancy' in my sleep and, even if I say so myself, the accent wasn't as bad as it is now. During the University years I had little use for English. Sure, I still read books in English and needed it to write different papers but that wasn't enough. When I went to Ireland for a friend's wedding I felt that my language skills had descended to an all time low. Everything came back to me pretty quickly there but after returning to Estonia my vocabulary started to decrease again. So part of the reason of keeping this journal, and keeping it in English, is to help me remember the language.
• Because I'm just that vain. Diane was absolutely right in the essay when she said that people put their journals on the web so that others can read them. Of course they do. And that's why I do it too. I like to get feedback on my life. I like to read people's comments. And I like the fact that they're interested enough to keep coming back and reading.
• It helps me sort through my issues. I am neurotic. Probably not enough to merit a clinical diagnosis but definitely more than average people are. My moods can change extremely fast and without apparent reason. And I used to think it was totally normal and other people probably repressed their emotions - a typical teenage egocentrism. But after taking a few psychology classes at the University I found that impulse control might not be as bad as I imagined it to be. And I feel that keeping a journal helps me to get to the bottom of these mood changes and therefore might prevent having a heart attack on my 30th birthday.
  By doing it in public I make it available to the people who might suffer from my bursts. It's not like I go around advertising the website to everyone: "Yeah, I just took my stress out on you but don't worry! You can read about the background in tomorrow's edition!" but I like the feeling that it's out there.
• I like to talk about what's happening in my life. And surprisingly enough, a lot of my friends are actually interested. Especially those I don't get to talk to every day. So, on one hand it saves me the trouble of talking about the same thing repeatedly and on the other hand the journal helps me to uncover the whole story, without getting stuck and forgetting half of it.
• I don't care about the loss of anonymity. I'm sure that my identity could be uncovered fairly easily when reading the entries - Estonia is so small that I'm sure I can be found. It doesn't worry me, though. It's not like I have anything to hide or anything can be stolen from me. I'm more or less broke! There's no use in stalking me!

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In other news: two of my friends just had a baby. It wasn't a surprise since being pregnant is not a thing one can hide easily, but it's a bit unsettling nonetheless. Friends getting married, friends having babies. It makes me think if I should be settling down too. But the answer's still no! There's so much to do before starting a family. Because it will tie you down and separate you from friends. Sure, everybody claims that things won't change much, but for some reason they do. And since I still place my friends above all others, I don't want to risk losing them.
Upon further reflection: one day I will probably find that everyone has got a family but me and I'm too old to have children and/or a husband. But I've got a back-up plan for that - dogs! Lots and lots of dogs! I know old spinsters are supposed to have cats but I've never been one for tradition. So if, thirty years from now, you see a woman walking around (read: being dragged) with lots of dogs, then it's me!

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Domestic news (you're not getting the Hellhole stuff yet, that's for the next paragraph): my brother has mumps so according to popular medicine (or this in Estonian) I might have it in a few weeks. Now, granted, I haven't spent much time with him and I might be vaccinated (I honestly have no idea if I am) but there's still some danger that I'll spread it around. Because, as it turned out, most of the people I know have not had mumps in childhood. That puts everyone at risk because if my brother's not vaccinated and I am not vaccinated then there's a good chance that they're not either. During the Soviet times everything was equal and you were poked with needles and dragged to the dentist twice a year, whether you needed it or not…. Ooh, the soviet dentist memories - brr!

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And now, finally, the Hellhole part. The latest update is that I'm not that desperate anymore. I actually believe that it's possible to make the place liveable. Because yesterday we wallpapered the bedroom with Lynn and today I'm going to paint the doors with Megan. Plus, I bought all the bathroom stuff (except for the sink which someone had got to before me) and got the front door installed. So, yesterday was a good day - Hellhole-wise. I'm running out of money again but I'm already used to that and refuse to worry about such menial things as money or being able to eat in the coming months.

I read Jenfu's entry about moving and it couldn't have come at a better time. Granted, it's more than a week till my expected moving day and I can't use shopping carts or laundry carts because a) my new place is about 5 km from my current residence and b) I have so much stuff that I would need 8 million trips to make it seem like I've moved my things a little. But I liked the entry because that's how I picture an ideal moving day. Mine will more likely consist of nagging and complaining and a bunch of dismantled furniture that I won't be able to assemble because I'm too tired. But, as shown by Jenfu, moving day can be fun. And I'm going to make it fun, pieces of furniture and the Coming of Mumps be damned!

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