It's been a long day. And when I say long, I mean l-o-n-g. Each period seemed to stretch on for days. After our breakdown in the middle of the hallway this morning none of us even mentioned Pacey the rest of the day. Dawson didn't mention anything at all. I'd be concerned, but...I just can't seem to muster it.

We all sat together at lunch, mostly in silence, as we ate our food. I could feel the looks other students shot in our direction. Every once in a while Andie'd break the silence and try to draw us into conversation.

I wonder how she's handling it. She loved him too. I'm not a fool, I know how she felt about him, even as he and I sailed off to the sunset. She never stopped loving him. And how could she? He's extremely lovable.

Was. Was extremely lovable.

I bite my lip as the sidewalk swims in my eyes. I almost wish I hadn't fallen in love with him. Then I'd never now how much losing him hurts. My mouth curves into a watery smile a second later, and then I'd never know how glorious it was to be loved by him. I wouldn't trade that even if I was forced to relive his death everyday.

As I walk, I wonder what tomorrow will be like...Bessie'd say tomorrow will be easier. Well, screw Bessie. I think tomorrow is going to be harder. But, more than likely, tomorrow will be the same. Except, maybe...for the sunlight.

This morning, as Jen and I were walking away, I looked back over my shoulder. I don't even know what compelled me to do so, I just did for no real reason. And right by my locker, there was this shimmer of light. My eyes had to have been playing tricks on me, because it almost looked like a person. It was probably just a few rays of sunlight distorted by my emotional state. Probably.

I just can't stop thinking about it though--there aren't any windows near my locker.

I pause outside the gates to Capeside's cemetery. They're worn and black, twisted into what someone thought was a beautiful design. I don't see it...it just creeps me out. I open one side just enough to slip past and let it fall closed behind me.

I close my eyes for a moment, trying to ready myself for what I'm about to do. I haven't been here since Abby's funeral. I just couldn't...but I need to be here now. I don't know why, but I just know I had to come.

I open my eyes slowly and take in the worn path the large oak trees spread throughout the grounds and the field of stone markers. I clutch the straps of my backpack tightly and wish that I'd asked Jack to come with me.

Each step closer to my destination drains my resolve. Why, oh why, did I think I was ready for this? I head slowly in the direction Jack told me his grave could be found. I can see it now, the fresh brown earth burying him, the sunlight reflected off the grave stone.

I take a few more unsteady steps before a sob crashes through my body. I can't. Pacey's not down there...he can't be. It's not real. The denial screams at me and I turn and flee, not caring which direction my legs take me. Through blurry eyes I can just barely avoid tripping over the head stones.

For some unknown reason, I feel a push to the left and I change course and run in that direction until I'm sobbing so hard I can't continue. I fall to my knees in the freshly mown grass as my shoulder's shake and my hair hangs down around my face.

He can't be gone. He just can't. I need him, I need him so badly. He's not supposed to leave, he promised me he'd never leave. He wasn't going to be like my mom and dad and grandparents. He promised he wouldn't leave me. I let my sorrow pour forth, let it consume me, so that it drowns out my very thoughts.

Minutes later I'm aching and tired, but I feel strikingly refreshed. I must have needed that cry more than I thought, the stress of my first day back without him took more of a toll that I'd anticipated. God, I miss him, I think as I wipe my face and push my hair away from my eyes.

Looking around, I see that I'm in the only part of the cemetery that I'm familiar with. My eyes move of their own accord to the headstone beside me and I read the name. Lillian Josephine Potter.

I don't know how I got here, but I'm glad I am. "Hi Momma." I say, my voice watery. I'm quiet for a few moments, taking comfort from this place. I swallow.

"Take care of him, okay?" I say quietly, my voice breaking through the silence. "He's a trouble maker, even up there he's gonna try and stir up mischief." I warn her. I take a deep breath, "How am I supposed to go on, Momma?

"He's everything to me. I need him." My voice sounds so foreign to my ears. "You said you'd always be with me, but...where are you now? When I need you most? God, Mom, I need you so much right now. More than I ever have." A single tear trails down my face.

I sniffle, "I miss you both. I never thought I'd love him like I do, but...I don't know how to be strong without him. I don't even know when he became my strength." I pause, staring at the cold grave stone, "But he is."

I sigh and curl my legs beneath me. "I never even got to say good-bye," I whisper, tears course freshly down my face.

I lift my face to the sun, letting it dry my tears. It's warmth is soothing. A peculiar feeling comes over me and I open my eyes, staring hard at the sun. Squinting my eyes, I think there's something there. A shadow.

I bite my lip, Pacey. I can see his face in the sun. My breath quickens and I stare hard past the blinding glare of the sun, trying to see him more clearly. All I can see are the red and gold shadows of his face, almost invisible against the light.

My blood pounds through my veins as he mouths, "I love you" to me. I blink for just a moment and the tears that were in my eyes fall. He's gone.

"Joey! Where've you been?" Bessie pounces on me the moment I step through the door. "I've been so worried. I wasn't sure that you'd...and Jen called looking for you and I just...Where were you!?" She's hugging me so tightly I can barely breathe.

"I was visiting Mom." I tell her.

The worry fades from her face, "And Pacey's?"

I shake my head sadly, "I-I tried, but...it's just too soon."

Bessie pats my shoulder and nods understandingly. "Someday, Jo," she assures me. I smile weakly and move away from her in the direction of my room.

"Unca Payee."

I freeze in my steps and I swivel my eyes to look at my nephew, my mouth agape. What did he say? Alex is sitting on the floor, his blocks spread out in front of him. His mouth is open in a happy grin, his tongue sticking out between his little lips as he stares at a spot about two feet above him.

It was his smile for Pacey. I don't even remember how long ago it started. But even when he was just a small thing, Pacey would grin at my nephew with his tongue sticking out, and as he got older, Alex started copying him. Soon, it became their regular greeting for each other, they were communicating way before Alex learned Pacey's name.

"Unca Payee fun." Alex giggled.

Bessie shot me a stricken look and moved to pick Alex up, trying to shush him. "Shhh, Alex. We told you, Uncle Pacey's gone." She murmurs quietly, trying to shield me from the words. I love my sister for the effort, but it's no use. I know he's gone. "He went to heaven with your grandma." The part of me not wanting to keel over in pain wonders why she bothers, he's only three years old. He's not going understand.

"No," Alex shakes his head, his little baby braids swinging. "Unca Payee here!"

"No, he's not, Alex. Pacey's gone."

"Here!"

"Alex, he's gone." Tears spring to her eyes.

"Here! Here! Here!"

Bessie looks fretful as her son continues to insist that my dead boyfriend's in the room. I'd probably look the same if I was in her situation. "Jo, maybe you should go lay down while I try to calm him."

I stare at my nephew, watching him focus on a spot in the living room. Just plain air. "No," I say slowly, stepping closer to them. "Where is he Alex?" I ask, feeling a little hope spring within me.

"Joey, what are y-"

"Where is he, Alex?" I repeat, watching the little boy.

He looks back and forth between me and his mother. Bessie's grip has tightened on him slightly. He finally looks back at me with his wide chocolate brown eyes and points to the spot just above his blocks.

I stare hard, squinting my eyes as hard as I possibly can trying to see him. I picture his tall frame and broad shoulders, trying to find the outline of him in my living room. I search the air for a hint of his messy hair, a glimmer of color from his outrageous shirts. I narrow my eyes until they're almost closed hoping for just a flash of his beautiful blue eyes.

Nothing.

"Joey," Her voice is pained, I've scared her now, I can see it in the way she's regarding me.

"I'm just going to...lie down." I manage, and swiftly disappear down the hall and into my room.

Reaching the sanctuary, I flop down on my bed. What did I think? That he'd magically appear out of thin air if I wished hard enough? Alex is only a child, more of a baby still. And he just misses Pacey, we all do. And he's a single child, isn't it normal for them to make up imaginary friends? Maybe he's just combined his yearning for a playmate with the void Pacey's death left him with.

Then why do I wish for something else? For him to really be here. Right now, I feel the empty ache in the pit of my stomach even stronger. I curl up on my bed, wrapping my arms around myself and pull his sweatshirt even tighter around me, pretending that my arms are his and, for a few minutes at least, I'm comforted.

"Pacey?" I whisper tentatively. It's the first time I've said his name since the night of the fire. His name sounds so fragile on my lips. "Pacey?" I try again. Try again what for, I don't know. At this point, I'm ready to abandon whatever logic I possess and forget everything I know about life and death and God and just believe with all my heart that he's here with me.

Because, if he is, than nothing else matters.

I sniffle, "Pacey, please," my voice sounds delicate to my own ears, delicate and foreign, like shattered porcelain. "If you're here, give me a sign."

I don't want to think about how foolish I am, straining with all my senses for some indication that he hasn't left me all alone. The only thing I hear is the rustle of the curtains as a breeze passes through them.

After a few moments, my senses deaden as I give up. He's dead. Gone. Buried six feet under. Why can't I accept that?

Alex comes bursting into my room. I don't know how long it's been since the scene in the living room, but it's obvious my nephew has manage to escape his mother's close guard.

He climbs into bed with me without a word and slithers under the covers at my side, his little brown face burying into the crook of my shoulder. "Loves you, Auntie Joey," he voices in his childlike whisper.

I smile weakly. "I loves you too."

"No me." He shakes his head as he curls up to my side. "Unca Payee."