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How I Missed the Last Bus Home by R. Lockyer (5R)
About three years ago I attended a small wedding reception somewhere in London (I've
a shocking memory for place names). The party broke up at about 11.30 p.m. and I was
faced with the problem of getting home. I had been taken to the reception in a friend's
car, but he had had to leave early and so I was forced to enquire about the buses, but
by this time most of the guests were not too coherent. After a few minutes of fruitless
searching for someone to help me, I was directed to Big Harry. Big Harry was the
two-piece band - piano and voice - which supplied the music for dancing. He obviously
believed in the old tradition of keeping the band well supplied with anything it needed
because by now the band had consumed enough drink for a full orchestra. Conversation
was therefore rather difficult.
"Hallo," said I.
"Hallo," replied Big Harry.
"I wonder if you can help me, do you know which bus I can catch to get home?"
"Hallo?" replied Big Harry.
"What bus do I want?"
"Err-hm. Bus?"
"Yes, bus."
"I dunno - where d'ye wanna get to?"
"Tottenham."
"Where's that?"
"Where the 'Spurs' come from!"
"Up the Villa!"
At this point I turned and began to walk towards the door. Big Harry caught hold of my
arm.
"I can give you a lift as far as Stamford Hill," he said, "but you'll have to sit in
the back of the van with me piana."
I accepted. Big Harry was the proud owner of the piano which he had been beating to a
pulp all evening. He had driven from his home with it standing up in the back of his
open van. With great difficulty we lifted it into the back of the van, only to
discover that there was no room for me. Harry then made a momentous suggestion.
"Why don't you sit on top of the piano?" he said. I at once asked him why I couldn't
sit with him in the van. his reply came quick as a flash.
"'Cos I've got me accordion on the other seat." That was how I came to be sitting astride
a piano on the back of an open van.
I will not pass any remark on Big Harry's fitness to drive, merely that it took him five
minutes to fit the key into the lock on the car door. Harry was in the cab for a
quarter of an hour before I called out from the top of the upright piano.
"What's up?"
"Someone's stolen the starter," came the reply, and then "oh it's all right - it was
hidden on the dashboard!"
We moved off and I soon found myself going up a steep hill. By this time I was used
to riding a piano, at least that is what I thought, but I soon found that I was a
novice at the game. Without warning, the rope holding the piano snapped, and piano
and rider went flying out of the back of the van and crashed into the front of a
bubble car. Hearing the crash Big Harry pulled over to the kerb. The bubble car pushed
me slowly past the van, over the brow of a very steep hill. To my horror, I realised
that the piano was slowly gaining speed. The castored juggernaut purred upto a speed
which turned the street and shop lights into a dangled blur. The piano went in any
direction it fancied. I knew that if I tried to steer it with my legs, the piano
might turn over, so I sat on top of it and watched in terror as my speed grew and grew.
I could see very little but the street lights. Then I saw two red lights side by side
in the distance, and as they passed under a street lamp, I saw the lights belonged
to the last two members of a cycling club - there were about twenty of them riding
two abreast.
I began to shout and wave my arms violently. It was not until I was within fifty yards
of them that one member of the club looked round. One of the tail-enders turned, and
as he paused below another street-lamp, I saw his eyes widen into a horrified stare.
He kept that posture, facing the way he wasn't going, staring fixedly at me through
enormous thick glasses, for as long as I dared look. Realising that I had not
succeeded in attracting any more attention than that of the mesmerised onlooker, I
shut my eyes tight and let out a piercing shriek as a last minute warning. For the next
few minutes, I heard a mixture of shouts, screams, bells and cries of horror. A few
seconds later I heard another shout, followed by a high-pitched scream.
The piano gradually slowed down, and when I opened my eyes I saw a lamp post looming up.
The piano hit it with an almighty crash. I was thrown off into the gutter. As I
lay there I heard a familiar sound. I looked up and saw a bus drawing up to a stop
a few yards behind me. I scrambled to my feet and dashed towards it. A glare at the
indicator showed that the bus was going in the right direction.
As I approached the bus, the conductor called out,
"I ain't having no drunks on my bus," and moved off.
Drunk? I wondered what he meant, and it was only when I scratched my head that I felt
there was something different about it. I looked into the reflection in a shop
window and saw that I was wearing a pair of huge spectacles - and a policeman's
helmet.
The cow is of the bovine ilk,
One end is moo the other milk.
How to make you child stop biting his nails:-
Make him wear boots.
The Old School Reunion
When the school's move at Easter was imminent Mr. Rowe and Miss Brooker thought it
would be nice for as many as possible of the old scholars to get together in the old
building for possibly the last time. Thus it was that the idea of a bumper reunion
in the old school hall was born.
After some considerable research work by Mr. Rowe and Miss Brooker, willingly assisted
by present scholars, many old scholars were traced and practically all expressed
keenness at the idea.
When replies started arriving a committee was formed consisting of Miss Brooker,
Mr. Francis, Mrs Coles, Mr. Walpole (Scholar 1943-1949), Mrs. Walpole (nee Deeman
1945-1950), Mr Winterflood (1947-1952), Mrs. King (nee Coulson, 1948-1952), Mrs.
Diccox (nee Lavery 1951-1956), Mr. Hack (1954-1959), Mr. Bilding (1950-1955), Miss
Gore (1956-1961) and Mr. Reynolds (1949-1954).
These people with the assistance of present members of staff and past and present
scholars, set out to arrange an evening for all the guests, so that they could just
browse around the school, possibly sitting in their old desks with nostalgic memories,
or showing off their twisting ability, or just natter with their contemporaries.
On Saturday, April 6th at 7.30 pm the school was packed with over 300 old scholars, and
past and present members of the staff. These latter including Mrs. Parker, Miss Clarke,
Mr. Baker, Mr. Vos and Mr. Deighton (himself an old scholar also). Everyone was
delighted to see both Mr. Mercer and Mrs. Martinez looking so well.
An M.C. had been appointed, who was also an old scholar with some traditional connection
with D.C.S. for he had joined the school when it saw the first change of headmaster
when Mr. Mercer succeeded Mr. Pinchbeck in 1932, and he, with the help of the band,
kept everyone in high spirits. Many present pupils were there assisting with the
cloakrooms and refreshments. Speaking of refreshments, how Mrs. Coles and her helpers
prepared all that food was a surprise to the guests and themselves.
During the evening a presentation was made to the school caretaker, Mr. 'Dusty' Miller,
who had been at the school for well over 15 years, and was remaining to care for its
new occupants. A presentation was also made to the Headmaster on behalf of the school,
and Mr. Fisher thanked the old scholars for their kind thoughts.
Many of the people present had, when the evening closed, had many surprises at meeting
folks they had not seen since leaving school. The evening ended with the singing of
Auld Land Syne and everyone saying how much they had enjoyed themselves and wished
that there were more of these functions.
Fishing by Keith Baker
Fishing is my favourite hobby. I have been fishing for nearly two years. I have two
fishing rods which are not very expensive. The first is a Spanish reed and top joint
fibre glass rod and my new one is a split cane rod, both of them costing £3 each.
I go fishing when I have time and if only for a short period I go to the River Lea.
The Lea is very long and I have fished from Tottenham to Cheshunt along its banks. I
have never caught anything very big, but I hope to soon, I have started to buy some
sea-fishing equipment which I am going to take on my holidays with me. I like fishing
with other people and when I am on my Holidays my uncle and I go sea-fishing during
the night. I think I will catch something fairly big when I am on my holidays. Every
good angler should have the standard equipment and this is a list of the ones that
I recommend:- Rods, Reels, Floats, Hooks, Weights, Float Caps, Bait Tins, Bait,
Keep Nets, Landing Net, Spare Line, Rod Rest, Pliers, Knife, Old Rag or Towel and a
Haversack or Kit-Bag.
I like fishing for a number of reasons: firstly because it is good sport; secondly
it passes the time, and finally I like it because all my friends fish.
Sitting in Space by M. Dudley (1L)
As I was sitting in my chair
I knew the bottom was not there
nor legs, nor back,
But I just sat:
ignoring little things like that.
Mad Proverbs
1. Don't cross your bridges before they are hatched.
2. Still waters sweep clean. New brooms run deep.
3. The road to hell is paved at both ends. Burning the candle with good intentions.
4. You cannot have your mole-hills and eat mountains.
5. A Leopard cannot change its cap. If the spots fit wear them.
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