John Doe.
Box #####

My Dearest Other,

I write this in reply to your touching letter in order to share my feelings with you. As you know, I have a lot to say and more so than ever today so you'd better get yourself a cup of cocoa before we begin, OK?

RE: Climbing Mountains, Crossing Seas etc.
My dear when I ask you to climb a mountain kind sir you will hop to it like there is no tomorrow! Not only will you climb it, you will reach the peak, beak off a piece of ice from the cap and bring it down to me before it is thawed. Why? Because you are the same goon who expects me to cook for him and clear up after him!!!

Cooking, Cleaning, etc.:
I categorically, wholly and completely refuse to cook for you, especially if you demand it or expect it from me. Last time I checked you had two perfectly functional arms (which may I add are much bigger than mine) which are quite capable of peeling potatoes, plucking chicken and separating garlic. If you are sharp you will shut up and not even hint and then, just then might I consider cooking for your sorry behind -- err -- you.

Telephone Calls
You are notoriously horrible in this department. If you will recall I have smacked your head on occasion because of this very issue. If you do not intend to call there is no need for your bogus self -- er -- you sweetheart to say that you will and then fail to! And news flash "I forgot" is an excuse that will no longer hold water with me! If your kindergarten teacher didn't accept it I do not see why I should! Not that I spend three hours sitting on a hard stool staring at the phone and noticing things like the #4 button is chipped at the corner and the #0 is a bit faint. Not at all! Don't you think I have better things to do with my time?

Soccer:
News flash -- not all of us are fans of soccer. I fail to see the sense of 22 grown men kicking a piece of leather all over the field and 3 more dressed like undertakers with whistles running around interfering with everything! I also fail to appreciate the passion this game excites in you. Time and time again while you were engrossed in the game you have:

• Stepped on the cat (Fluffy walks very strangely nowadays in a diagonal manner)
• Knocked over many of my priceless China ornaments (the bill is on the way)
• Dislodged the incisors of your friend Henry when Manchester United scored that goal (I doubt he has forgiven you)
• Knocked my small brother across the room when someone was given a red card

Rugby:
The only saving grace about this sport is that the men are clad in rather fetching small shorts. Indeed at times I do find it entertaining. But where I draw the line is your reactions to the various events of the game, most of which I do not even understand.

• I think a game that has a man in a position called 'hooker' has a lot more to it than meets the eye
• Your strong reaction and even stronger language to what you perceive as fouls is quite disconcerting
• Your celebrations when your team wins are too enthusiastic for my liking. I don't mind being hugged in a crushing grip but I object strongly to being tossed in the air like a rag doll. If you recall there was a time you did this, saw a friend of yours and actually went to say hello to him, and forgot to catch me on my way down!
• Those songs you sing! I distinctly recall you once singing some nursery rhymes that may I say were quite creatively modified!

Your Wandering Eye:
You can give my scientific proofs and studies until you are blue in the face. I do not care, am not interested and do not particularly want to understand the phenomenon. I am simply not interested whether you are a visual being or not. It is quite simple, really...

1. If you look at another woman in my presence I shall smack your head
2. If you look at another woman in my absence I shall find out and still still smack your head
3. Any questions?

Nagging:
I do NOT nag. I merely give opinions

Arguments:
When, oh when are you going to understand that more often that not I am right? It is mere modesty that induces me to put it that way but the truth be told I am always right. If you consult those journals that you are so fond of proving things to me you will find that men use one half of the brain whereas - ahem - we women use both sides. This suggests that we utilize twice our brain capacity which suggests that we think twice as much....

Gifts:
Buying me things that you like will not get you anywhere. When you get me a soccer ball, a bowling ball, a toolkit or anything along those lines then you, sir, are asking for trouble. You forget that it is just as easy for me to buy you a matching set of stockings for your birthday and as we both know those legs of yours are best left unseen. And on the matter of gift frequency a simple formula must be kept in mind: whenever you see me you should have something out of the ordinary for me. What do I mean? I leave that to you to discover. However a pat on the back does not count here!

Your Boyz:
There is this group of raucous, rowdy, noisy and a tad smelly individuals who go under the title "your boyz". I categorically object to this ragtag collection of riff raff that you insist on hanging around with. However you are free to associate with Monkeys if you are so inclined provided that it is not in my presence. Expecting me to get along with your boyz is a bit much! You may appreciate Omondi's beery breath and Kip's breath that could stop a bus but I see no reason why I have to put up with it! And Jomo's impromptu showers when I speaks I can do without thank you very much! My water runs just perfectly at home!

Gentlemanship:
I regret to say that in this department you are more than a bit wanting. The truth be told you are a nonstarter. The last time you allowed me to precede you into a room was the day you suspected that there may have been rats in the room. The last time you pulled my chair for me it was to withdraw it before I had lowered myself fully into the chair and for that you still have a lot to answer for. You shamelessly and repeatedly fail to escort me home even if it is dark. The reason you give for not opening doors for me ("you are an independent woman") simply does not hold any water, soup of liquid of the kind. The way you grunt your greetings leaves a lot indeed to be desired and as for your good-byes! Well! Sometimes they are not present at all! You treat fork and knife as remnants of an alien civilization not fit for use by Homo Sapiens!

Birthdays, anniversaries etc:
Please find enclosed a diary. I have taken the liberty to pen in a few of the dates that you should remember. The five or so free days are actually days that you should remember but I do not wish to remember. Please not on my birthday my age will be constant, and I have taken the liberty of indicating the actual age. Last year I found your efforts to include the corresponding number of candles on my cake but I found the fact that you needed two cakes and a saucer to contain them all absurd. Kindly use the indicated number of candles (22).

I await your reply on these matters as soon as possible.

Yours,
Jane Doe