What Women Want - a Dennis Miller Rant Does size really matter? I don't know, what do women want? Nowadays it seems like they want....other women. No, uhh....some women want zero from a man, and others want lots of zeros from a man. Let's see, the myth is that women want... Brad Pitt in the bedroom, Brad Pitt in the kitchen, Brad Pitt around the house, Brad Pitt during a game, Brad Pitt when they're sick, Brad Pitt in conversation, the body of Brad Pitt in 'Legends of the Fall' combined with the voice of Brad Pitt, and to top it all off the IQ of Fabio on two bottles of Nyquil. Another myth is that a woman must be married by a certain age or she'll never find stability. Hey, I've got news for you, ladies: looking to men for stability is like going to Crispin Glover for psychoanalysis, all right? And yet a third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us. Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on women is about as reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this is what I kinda sorta, maybe think women want from men: 1. Foreplay is not a privlege.. it's a birthright. 2. If you take her out to a fancy restaurant don't try to subtlely steer her away from the lobster dinin', Jim. 3. Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent, affordable child care and that way maybe poor single mothers can go to work, get off welfare and that we don't have to listen to anymore assholes in Congress blathering about orphanages. 4. Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work guys. Look around you.. at let's say.. Carl, the brain dead, jack-off in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you? Because he's a slacking, worthless, toadie idiot. Now imagine making 30% less than Carl. Hello? 5. O.K., this is very important.. during lovemaking don't ask, "Who's your daddy?" Even if it's a joke... it's not funny. All right? 6. When her mouth moves.. pay attention words could be coming out. Words are kind of important. 7. Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos, O.K.? 8. Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now Clouseau.. you should know if she came. 9. Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions. 10. When she catches you cheating on her, and cuts off your dick in your sleep.. Take it like a man. "If that's too much to ask.. how 'bout a big fucking diamond the size of your head." "Of course that's just my opinion.. I could be sleeping on the couch." |
