Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus --
Learn to Speak Martian!
Jim's Helpful New Words To Describe Male Behavior
Neanderful
Men haven't made much progress in the art of
wooing over the last few hundred years, as evidenced by the
Tonya Harding affair. Basically, it's still "here, look what I've
beaten and killed for you!" Women need a way to indicate
appreciation and revulsion at the same time. Now, there's a
word. "Og, that was really neanderful; now please drag the
bloody carcass out of the foyer, wipe off your club, and be
sure to write me from jail."
Manslobber
Some men just can't take no for an answer. The
harmless majority of these Gomers are much like laboratory
monkeys who keep pressing a button which administers a dose
of potentially pleasurable, but eventually deadly poison. If
refusing a date just doesn't get through to the bundle of
glands that is yapping at your heels, women may now say "I'm
sorry, Goofus, but I'm going to have to press manslobber
charges."
Mammopia
This phrase would be used to chasten men who just
can't seem to focus on anything but a woman's {dairy related}
body parts. When this behavior is detected, women could say
"Hey buddy, I'm up here! You need radial keratotomy for that
severe case of mammopia."
Premature Articulation
This phrase would be used to assail the
"Schwing Reflex," which causes men to make vulgar comments
about attractive women who pass within their field of view. An
occasional "Hello, Betty!" is forgivable and physiological
responses are not controllable (if they were, oh happy day!).
Still, men ought to know better than to say things like "Here,
chickie, chickie" or "Come to Papa!" The problem is: men speak
before they think. The next time it happens, women may retort,
"What's the matter Hercules, have you got a case of
premature articulation?"
Haskellate
Named after the Sultan of Suck-Ups, Eddie
Haskell from Leave it to Beaver, this phrase would be used to
castigate men who heap meaningless flattery on women with all
their motives ulterior. When the doo-doo gets deep, women
could say "if these flurries haskellate any further, I'll be
knee deep in it."
Blowhole
Men are much like whales. They lie around most of
the time, then surface briefly to spout off. I pity women who
must nod through a nice meal while her date sounds off about
his {completely made-up} accomplishments. When this happens,
she should say "Moby dear, why don't you submerge now and
give your blowhole a little rest. You're getting the other
diners a little wet."
Jim Rosenberg
The Daily Monologue of the Internet
http://www.wirecom.com/jim
March 1998
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