1. Roll d 100 for Profession:
1-50 - Peasant (village villein)
51-99 -Crapmonger (town dweller)
00 -Possibly nobility if you roll another two 00's stand on your head and juggle three raw eggs.
2. Roll d10 for starting wealth
1-3 - 2 pennies
4 - 1 shilling
5 - A farm implement of your choice (crapmongers roll again)
6 - Shit (extra a 1d6)
7-8 - A mouldy turnip
9 - Half a mouldy turnip
10 - The plague
3. Starting Possessions
Clothes shoes, if you're lucky, shit (those who roll 6 above get lots of shit).
Players can also choose the sex of their character - it doesn't really matter, no-one can tell under all the shit anyway.
4. Roll for stats (stats range from
1 to 18)
Health: 1 d6
IQ: 1 d6
Dex: 1 d6
Cha 1/2 d6
Shit: 2 d6
5. Starting Skills: Choice of three
Dubious Folklore (IQ) Molest Large Animals (HT),
Molest Small Animals (DX), Professional Skill - Village Idiot (SH),
Throw Stone (DX), Plant Crops (IQ)
Violent crime (HT), Haggle (CH), Throw Fruit (DX),
Spot Buboes (IQ), Begging (CH), Rat Catching (DX), Hide (SH),
Drugs (HT), Deal in Drugs (DX), Dodge Speeding carriage (DX)
Grovel (IQ), Shovel Shit (SH), Pick Lice (DX), Political Science (IQ),
Annoy (SH), Raunchy Behaviour (CH), Religious Observances (IQ),
Flee (HT), Flea (DX)
To use a skill, roll under the relevant stat on d20
6. Unfortunate Affliction table:
Roll d10. Stats below 0 result in death
1 - roll again twice (can be rolled more
2 - lame (-1d6 DX)
3 - recurring cough (-1d6 HT)
4. - simple (-1d6 IQ)
5. - warts (-1d6 CH)
6. - nasty skin disease (-1d6 CH)
7. - masses of boils (-2d6 CH)
8. - impoverished (-1d6 SH)
9. - insane (-1d6 CH)
10. - plague (-10d6 HT)
Characters start at 10 years old. Each year players must roll 1d100 (+10 if peasant, -10 if crapmonger) and refer to the table below. Any character who reached 25 years old will die automatically from old age.
-9 - something unusual happens (see chart
-8 to 20 - victim of violent crime, roll under DX on d20 or die
21 to 30 - catch disease, roll under HT on d20 or die
31 to 80 - nothing at all happens out of the ordinary
81 to 100 - epidemic, roll under HT on d20 or die
101 to 109 - farm accident, roll under DX on d20 or die
110 - something unusual happens (see chart below)
8. Something unusual charts (S.U.C.) roll d100
1 to 30 - someone in the village has twins or a cow is born with two heads or something else that will live on in village folklore for hundreds of years
31 to 40 - pressganged into an army. Die from horrific injuries in some foreign country
41 to 50: local lord takes a fancy to you. You are spirited away to his castle and die either from syphilis or in some dank secret torture chamber
51 to 60 the well dries up. Everyone dies
61 to 70 join the monastery (or nunnery). Cop a sword through the head from a Viking raider
71 to 80: shit famine, -3d6 shit
81 to 90: burnt at the stake as a witch - die horribly
91 to 100: kicked in the head by a farm animal (pick one) -1d6 IQ, -1d6 CH
101 to 110: learn to read and write
1 to 30: get a job in a real shop. It burns down along with the rest of the town
31 to 40: shanghaied. Die at sea
41 to 50: famine. Eaten by neighbours
51 to 60: sacrificed by the cult of the arch wobbly
61 to 70: the local guildmaster realises you are not a guild member. Thugs come around and break both your legs -1d6 HT, -1d6 DX
71 to 80: glut in the shit market. +2d6 SH but -1d6 HT from starvation as you can no longer compete for a living
81 to 90: robbed! -5d6 SH
91 to 100: eaten alive by rats - death
101 to 110: an upset turnip cart crashes through your front door and you have enough turnips to eat for the rest of your life.
9. Well, that's it.
What did you expect? Sodding dragons and wizards I suppose.
APC Magic System
Think of Merlin the Wise, Morgan le Fay, Gandalf the Grey. These are wielders of the wizardous wyrd who wouldn't be caught dead anywhere near a game of Advunved Peasants and Crapmongers.
Think of Mad Meg the Wise Woman, Barmy Bill Bum Breath, Og the Magic Leper. Now you're on the right track.
For too long AP&C has been without a magic system. Now we have the Realistic Magic System for the Realistic Medieval Roleplaying Game.
1. Magic Potential:
Once Profession has been rolled as per the normal 2nd Edition AP&C Rules, a further roll must be made for magical potential. Roll d100, on a roll of 00 or better, your peasant or crapmonger becomes a wise (wo)man, charlatan or loony (ie a magic using subclass)
2. Starting wealth:
As normal rules with a +1 to the roll. On a roll of 11, the character receives a mysterious ring, wrought of the finest gold which seems impervious to even the hottest fire. Inside the band it bears mysterious runes. The character is then killed by the owner of the ring who wants it back. Start again.
3. Starting Possessions
This subclass cannot wear shoes
Roll 1d10 for Special Magic Item
1. A toadstool
2. A cauldron in need of repair
3. A movable lump
4. A rock with a string wound around it
5. An egg
6. A bone with maggots in it
7. A tooth
9. Mud (can be passed off as Shit with a Gorm Roll)
10. Shit (an extra 1d6!!!)
Roll 1d6 for Familiar
1. Dead Cat
2. Cat who is feeling decidedly poorly
4. Swarm of Flies
4. Stats (range is 1 to 18)
Peasant Master (PM) Note:
This character has an extra dice of shit. Please think of the ramifications for your campaign if this class is introduced. The campaign may become Shit-Heavy and the phenomena of "Shit-Gaming" (akin to Power Gaming) may arise. You are free to ignore this class if you think it unbalances the game too much.
5. Starting Skills:
Gibber (CH), Drool (HT), Make Spurious
Mix revolting and ultimately useless potion (SH), Frolic (woodlands) (DX),
Grow Hair (HT), Spit (DX), Attract Flies (SH), Cackle (CH), Necrophilia (CH),
Train Familiar (GM), Astrology (SH), Catch disgusting disease (HT),
Catch Public Transport (GM) (PM note: only really useful in an AP&C Time Travel Campaign)
A magic using class can also use the skills available for Both the Peasant and Crapmonger
6. Unfortunate Affliction Table
To balance the powerful nature of these characters they must roll three (3) times on the U.A.T.
7. The Yearly Event and Aging Rules are used in the same way as in the 2nd Edition AP&C rules
01Something unusual happens (see Something
02-20 - Victim of violent crime, roll under DX on d20 or die
21-30 - Murdered by passing noble, death results
31-80 - Nothing at all happens out of the ordinary
81-90 - Epidemic. Roll under HT on d20 or die
91-99 - Accident involving enraged farm animal. Roll under DX on d20 or die
00 - Something unusual happens (see Something Unusual Chart)
8. Something unusual chart (roll d100)
1 to 30 - Burnt at the stake as a witch, die horribly
31 to 40 - Drowned as a witch, die horribly
41 to 50 - Impaled as a witch, die horribly
51 to 60 - Decapitated, drawn and quartered, burnt and your ashes spread to the four winds at the cross roads as a witch, die horribly
61 to 70 - A body part (roll randomly) gets infected and drops off, -1d6 HT
71 to 80 - Potion goes wrong. Instead of making the object of the local lord's lust go mad with desire, it just makes her (or him) go mad and then die in agony over several long months. The lord is less than impressed and cuts your head off.
81 to 90 - Familiar turns savage, -2d6 HT and lose familiar
91 to 00 - Shit thief hits the district, -2d6 SH
101 to 110 - A mysterious robed stranger arrives at your hovel and offers to teach you the profoundest secrets of the universe. You cackle and gibber in joy. He asks you what your address is again, apologises and tells you that he is in the wrong Game System
You have got to be joking
2nd Edition Errata
This stat replaces IQ. Unlike other stats, it does not result in death when it reaches 0. A totally gormless character does however have very restricted options (not to mention few friends). If you want to continue playing a gormless character you will have to wait until the release of the AP&C Masters Set - The Village Idiot.
2. Delete all references to the word "submarine" and replace them with "cabbage"
Notes on the 2nd Edition Rules:
Due to the above comprehensive alterations to the First Edition of AP&C we at Totalitarian Scum Regime Games are proud to announce the release of the 2nd Edition Advunced Peasants and Crapmonger. It will feature the above innovative rules changes as well as lots of pretty pictures (and a hefty price tag). It is the system to bring gaming into the 90's based on the same sad principles of gaming in the 70's. Look out for the Shit Sourcebook, The Turnip Sourcebook and the Buboe Spotter's Guide, all at outrageous prices at your local hobby shop.
You are forbidden to play the First Edition on penalty of being laughed at by everyone as totally socially unacceptable and pretty gormless to boot. Plus if we find out, we'll come round and beat the living crap out of you.
Can other races be peasants?
Can you have multi-class crapmonger?
Who would win in a fight - a peasant or a crapmonger?
Can my 25th Level peasant use armour?
When you say my hedge wizard doesn't have any spells, does this mean I can't cast a fireball?
Can my crapmonger mage have a rust monster as a familiar?
These are just some of the questions that have flooded in to us here at Totalitarian Scum Regime Games. And we're about to answer them in our biggest ever range of expensive, glossy supplements. It's everything you wanted to know and much more....
Advunced Peasants and Crapmongers 2nd
Edition is the Realistic Medieval Roleplaying Game and it just got
AP&C's Dark Future Supplement
Bring your Peasant into the dark age of the Industrial Revolution. Included are exciting cyber attachments for your peasant. If he losses a hand while scything the wheat it can now be replaced with state of the art technology - a rusty old hook. Complete rules for splints, crutches, eye patches, wooden legs, wooden bladder and wooden teeth; plus a random table of the likely injuries resulting from your peasant's first encounter with a Spinning Jenny in the city.
Call of the Crapmonger
AP&C's Horror Supplement
Superstition is a powerful force preying upon the minds of all in a medieval world. Let your character find out what it really is that goes bump in the night and go completely mad as a result. Included is a random table of scary noises to be found up 't mill and down t'pit
AP&C's Espionage Supplement
Send your peasant to uncover the secrets of what goes on in the neighbouring village. Use your "hiding behind woodpiles and eavesdropping" skills to discover their plans for the next May Day ceremony and then sabotage it.
AP&C's Oriental Supplement
Learn the secret martial arts of "Stinky Fist" and "Trembling Bladder". Have your peasant subsist on a diet of rice, rice and more rice as he trains for thirteen years under the tutelage of a Black Crap Master, only to die horribly of a gangrenous wound received while practising his arts with a wooden stick.
AP&C's Superhero Supplement
When he dons his crappy rags Tomas the Miller becomes Tomas the Miller covered in crap - a forceful stench to be reckoned with. Now your peasant can join that elite group of folk heroes with rules to allow stats of up to 7.
On to the next joke AD&D Christmas Carol