January 23rd, 2000 Sunday

Hi!

Last night i shaved my legs for only the second time in my life. The first time was for a play, and doesn't really count. But this time was only for ((((me)))). I treated myself to some Henna-shampoo, which should help maintain my new colouring. (that's also a first, a friend put it in for me on the 1st of the new millenium). Then i used some african mud-honey-cream stuff (these products all have names, but i forget brand-names and such so quickly). Then make-up, trying out all the new stuff i had bought for myself earlier in the day. I really need to learn what all this is, and how it's supposed to be used properly. I'm just trying to copy from the other girls, the real girls. Then i got dressed in my prettiest dress, and did my hair, and when i was all finished?
Well, the next step would be to go out, no? I did go out, all the way down the hall to the toilets, and nobody saw me, to my great relief. Anyway, it's a summer dress, for those rare very hot days we get around here, when the only thing you can do is hang out at the lake and drink iced wine. And outside it was and still is snowing, beautiful big flakes, the best snow we've had yet this winter. So it really didn't seem such a wise move, instead i just stayed in and read a book of novellas. I don't know how many times i burst out in tears last night. Anything might make me cry, a sentence or two in a book, a single frame in a graphic novel, a favorite song (even if it was originaly solid hard-rock, and is now playing in a symphonic version with harps and angel-voices over a supermarket sound-system, but of course that would make anybody cry). Afterwards i slept soundly, as i have been able to most nights this year (and what a blessing that is).

Today i didn't do much. Slept in, read some more, tried to recover a little box of perfume cream (a present from my sister) that i had forgotten in a café, but it was closed. Came here (my parents place) to use the puter and go online. Chatted online with some friends, specially my dear friend Hanna, and of course started this page. Now i need to catch up on some mail, specificly i need to tell my new TS-contact (another first) where i live, so that she can send me a list of local adresses. I allready asked her for them, but forgot to tell her that we're in the same town. I forgot that just because i knew where she lived (from her website) didn't mean that she knew where i lived. But first get something to eat. And then perhaps come back and do some more work on this page.

Love, Ruby

January 24th, Monday

The big event for today: i threw away my remaining dope. I don't know what got into me (sarcasm). Anyway, the first part of the day was easy, as i normaly don't (didn't) smoke in the morning anyway. But now that it's late afternoon i'm feeling the need, it's like a slow-motion itch spreading over my body, an electric charge building under my skin. Experience (most of it years ago) teaches me that i probably won't sleep tonight, with no way of telling when i'll be able to sleep properly again. But sleeping-patterns can reestablish themselves, while being a dope-head will only get worse and worse. At least i've got a support-group for addiction-issues, i haven't got one yet for TS-issues. Nor did i yet receive the adresses from my friend. But i only need those in a week. Work was okay today. On the weekend we finaly solved the problems with the new server, so today everything was rather laid-back, catching up on all those little bits and pieces of work that weren't urgent enough to worry about earlier, chatting with the girls (if i have any choice about the matter i will always be with the girls) (obviously?).
Oh, and the bad news: i clicked on a wrong button, and lost all my TS bookmarks *grrr*. Now why did i do that?

But anyway, i allready recovered one of those i have been visiting most. This is Lynn's Place, she's got resources for Ottowa, Canada. Also a diary detailing her experience during transition (that's what i read mainly, Ottowa being across an ocean from here) and the rest i haven't really looked at yet. But i did feel my fledgling site needed an outside link or two.

As i said, i lost all my bookmarks, so i can't give you any links with solid resources, but if you care to look for yourself, you can find loads of websites at the TransGendeRing.

And yes, some local resources (i promise, i will eventually clean this site up, with a nice index-page and all, but for now i'm just writing a long page) in switzerland can be found at Trans-X.

January 25th, Tuesday

Well, against expectations i slept reasonably well, so i had a fairly good start to the day. The putdown came in the late morning, when my boss noticed i was wearing make-up. It's not that it's the first time i wear make-up to the office. It's not as if i had completly overdone it and looked ugly, i think i have developed a little skill in that area. It's not as if i was flaunting it. But today he noticed. And well, he claims that he is tolerant and open-minded (usualy in the same sentence with something like "but women really should stop harping about equal rights") but today he again proved quite the opposite.

Wipe it of, he said. Can you believe that? I'm 25, i'm a grown woman, not some little kid to be reprimanded for misbehaving! He made me so angry, but i just couldn't think of anything to say without outing myself!

And then the next thing he said was totally scary: You're not a girl yet. F!&#%! Where did he get that "yet" from? What does he know???? Where does he know it from??????
Or have i been that obvious? Has my big mouth given me away? Help!!
I can only hope that it was a freudian slip, and that he isn't even aware of what he said. Or that my stressed imagination slipped that little word in, and it wasn't even said.

Anyway, that wasn't the end of the world (even if it felt like that for a moment) not even the end of the day, actually. Because once work was finished (early afternoon for me) i came here and had a discrete browse through my mum's make-up. And with that memories came welling up, of doing just the same thing when i was a little kid. That's allways so amazing, when i start remembering things i had completly forgotten for most of my life. And the more i dress/use makeup/whatever, the more i remember. And i was able to try out some new things, and that has made me really happy!

Love, Ruby

January 26th, Wednesday

Well, after what happened yesterday i didn't put on any make-up this morning. And for some reason or other the busses were running late, so i got to the office late, and in a rather foul mood. This did lift during the day, i love being able to help people out with their puter-problems, this allways gives me a positive push. But on the other hand i got quite jealous seeing all the real girls resplendant with their make-up, and i'm not allowed to!!

I had luch with my co-workers (all male) today. That was quite grueling. It seems to me that their talk just gets more and more sexist as time goes by. They don't seem to see anything in a woman but a sex-object. And when for once they're not busy putting down women they talk about cars and how powerful their puters and how wonderful they themselves are. Men! :(

January 27th, Thursday

Today i did put on make-up to go to the office! Only slightly less, so that my boss wouldn't notice. And he didn't notice, and i felt so good about it. And of course when i came home i finished my make-up, and put on my breasts *blush*, and then i felt even better. Since then i have smoked a pack of cigarettes, answered i don't know how many mails and posts, invented storys for my darling friend Hanna, had supper with my mum. And tomorrow is friday, and when i finish work i'm going to paint my nails, and make myself really beautiful, spend several hours on making myself just perfect. And then i can wallow in pleasurable feelings all Weekend. I also plan to put up some definitions on this site, because i have found that many people are really lost when they first come upon the subject.

Oh, i completly forgot to write this earlier. But on tuesday one of my icq-friends changed her name, and became a woman! Jasmine, if you are reading this, i want you to know just how very happy i am for you. I wish you all Luck and Courage and Strength on the journey that lies ahead of you. Know that whatever you do, you will still be loved and cared for.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Jasmine)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

January 28th, Friday

What made me really happy today, my sister called me Ruby for the first time! She said that it's a beautiful name, and what's more, that it fits. She really made my day! It also shows that she's accepting what's happening, and hopefully it's a sign that she will be a strong supporter for me.

Another thing that's really motivating me (to keep up the work on this site) is the amount of hits i'm getting. I only started this site five days ago, and i've allready got 139 hits. And the only link into my site (that i know of, and i'd be surprised if i was allready linked elsewhere) is the TransGendeRing. I believe it was a smart move to submit my site there!

And i'm proud of my achievement at work today, i was able to solve a printer-problem that has been bugging us for weeks, making puters crash all over the place, and the total sum of documentation i could find is null. But by carefully going over all the error-messages and test-pages i was able to figure out that it was a problem with a dll, where it needed an old version. This is the first time i've solved a problem by working on the dll's. The next couple of days will show if it works.

Okay, i'm going to go and do some work on the rest of the site. Take care of yourself, dear Reader.

January 29th, Saturday

Today was a great day! First because i could sleep in, which i did, almost till midday. Then i didn't have to go to work (we're upgrading our network, and if there had been any problems they would have called me in). Third i took a good long time in the shower, caring for my hair and skin, shaving my legs again (i just love it when they're all smooth, though of course tomorrow they'll be all prickly again *chuckle*), manicure and pedicure, and just general messing around to make myself feel good. Then i had dinner in town (a real event, what with social phobia and recovering from anorexia), a proper three course meal. Fifth i had a really good talk with my mum. She says she is totaly supporting of my choice, and that her only wish for me is that i may find happieness. She has also been reading up about TS on the net, so that she can understand better, and be more supportive. Sixth i was able to retrieve a tin of perfume cream i had forgotten in a caffée last week. I love the perfume, and it was a present from my sister, so i'm really glad it hadn't gotten lost. And obviously with all the care i took of myself while getting up i'm dressed too (well, as dressed as i can be, i just don't have any winter clothes, but it still feels totaly good).

Now i think i'll add a guest-book, i would like to know who is making all those hits on my site.

Love, Ruby