January 30th, Sunday

Well, it's been a week since i started this diary, and i'm really satisfied with the results. All the work i've done, all the text i've written. The number of hits (250 in the first week! Hurray!) i've gotten. Thanks everybody who has taken the time to come here and see what i have written, just seeing that people come here all the time keeps me motivated to keep up the work. And today i was invited to join a new webring, the T-diaries. Thank you Illara for your Initiative and Work!

For the rest today has been a wonderfully lazy sunday, just hanging around on the net, chatting with my friends, doing a *little* bit of work over here.

Oh, and i had breakfast in a café in town, dressed in my usual slightl genderbending way. And today (as compared to other times this week) some people noticed that something was strange. It was really quite fun, seeing all these confused glances. Only one guy, i would have liked to ask him if his mother hadn't taught him that it's impolite to stare. Except that i couldn't recall the french for stareing (we speak french over here, but it's *only* my third language, and sometimes i lack a bit of vocabulary).

And yes, my friend mailed me the addreses of gender-specialists in the area, just in time for my appointment tomorrow. So with any luck tomorrow evening i will have a referal!

January 31st, Monday

Today was my appointment, and it went great. I have never been able to speak so frankly with her. I guess it really helped that i was sober this time (first time ever with this therapist). We talked about all kinds of things, but mainly we talked about myself. She saw how much better i'm doing, and though she remains worried, specialy that i should gain some wheight, she was happy to see me in such a good mood, filled with positivity and the will to move onwards.

She also agreed that it would be good for me to see a gender-specialist, and guess what, the one she proposed figures on the list i received yesterday. She didn't want to give me a referal right away, as she was away on vacation the last two weeks, and would like to see a bit more of me first to be able to tell just how stable my high is. Also she wants to understand better about my social phobia, so that she can give him a better picture. But we agreed that we would do 2, perhaps 3 more sessions, and that then she would give me the referal. And as we see each other twice a week, that means by the end of next week at the latest i'll have it! Plus, as she's got good contact with him (i would have preferred a woman, but we both agreed that this was just for an assesement, and that i really wasn't forced to take him) i won't have to wait for ages for an appointment, in fact it should be possible within a week or two after she refers me.

Very impressive also the way she said that she saw that i did need to see someone else, because she didn't have the necessary expertise. That's really cool, a doctor who admits to not knowing enough!

And Rage, my sisters flatmate, found this site yesterday. Her reaction was to reveal one of her big secrets to me. Now that's a really friendly way of proofing that she still trusts me, and will support me. She also talked with my mum on icq today (talking behind my back?, not really, i think). Apparently she figures that what i'm most afraid of is being rejected (quite true), and she says that in their household the only one i need perhaps worry about is her boyfriend (that's what i'd figured too, he's rather conservative in some ways), but that she would make sure that he accepts me too. Now i'm really looking forward to visiting my sister again, and having a place where i can be myself without any worries. Perhaps..... they'll even take me shopping!

Love, one very happy Ruby :-)

February 2nd, Wednesday

Sorry, no entry for yesterday. We had a truely hellish day at the office yesterday, everything seemed to be going wrong at the same time. I don't even know where to start, but the worst bit was that our mail-server had a complete break-down. I mean complete! We were only able to retrieve a part of the user profiles, but i had to retype all adresses and passwords. And i'm the only one in the team who knows them all. And this is a very busy period for us, with two big events taking place right now, plus several in the near future, plus we rented a new floor in the building and are busy moving everybody around, and then in the middle of the afternoon suddenly there's this guy from Canon wanting to install a big new networked colour-printer (at least he hadn't done his homework and arrived with the wrong material, so we sent him back home quickly) (we hadn't even been informed that he was coming!). To sum it up, i worked twice my usual hours, and afterwards obviously was completly wiped out.

To update the rest of what happened: On monday night i had a dream, the first dream i was able to recall for ages. (dreaming usualy stops when i'm on drugs, but after a week of sobriety they come back full force.) It was a truely wonderful dream, for the first time ever i dreamed of myself as a woman! I was so very very happy, and just didn't want to wake up, but then the alarm-clock started beeping. And by the time i got to work all the details were forgotten. But just for that moment i was a complete woman! Live will be so wonderful!

And i did have a very pleasant surprise yesterday evening. We received a cash bonus yesterday when it was clear that we would have the system running again, and i decided to treat myself to another dinner in town (way to tired to cook). And guess what, i was greeted "bonsoir madame", and it staid "madame desire-t-elle autre chose", "au revoir madame", all through the evening! And i !wasn't! dressed, i was as drab as i get, the only visible feminine accesoire was a little necklace of a dolphin, holding a marble of pink coral. What does that say about my chances for passing, if i get read as a woman even in drab?
*chuckle*

Oh, and today i experimented with foundation for the first time ever. I have trouble believing what a dramatic effect it has, even used only very lightly. I'll defnitly have to go shopping for some of my own soon (i raided my mum's stuff again).

And do you remember how i finished my last entry? "perhaps they'll even take me shopping?" Today as i logged onto the internet there's an icq-message waiting from my sister "hey... let's go shopping! there are some cool winter styles around these days. *hugz*". So guess what i'll be doing this week-end!

What else.... Yes, on monday my mum gave me a letter which she had written during a bout of insomnia. It's got lots of suggestions about how i could get my financial situation in order (it's a real mess) which i could have done without (but i appreciate her worrying) and ends off on the lines of "i'm looking forward to having another daughter". (((((((((hugs))))))))) i love my mum. And today she invited me to participate in the woman's rights march on march 8th (okay, men are explicitly invited to participate as well, but....). I'll finaly get to meet her friend, who, if it had been available 40 years ago, would have gone FtM.

Well, i think that's about all for today, see you for some more news from the rat nest tomorrow, inch allah (so god will).

Love, Ruby

P.s. my friend Patricia tells me that the doctor i'll be seeing is really good (she told me to give him her regards).

February 3rd, Thursday

Therapy day today. Quickly nip home between work and the appointment, put on make-up and my breasts (i wear them small, they are mainly for the psychological effect) then on to the hospital. For once i hardly have to wait before she's ready. We talk about how i'm feeling, and how all my problems are or aren't linked with being transsexual. Obviously she has thought about this a lot since monday, and she isn't really surprised when i tell her that even my OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder, an anxiety disorder) has pretty much disapeared. And i've been carrying that with me for the last 20 years, since kindergarten. She agrees that it might well all be linked, the OCD, Anorexia, Drug Abuse (trying to become more male by following my dad's example. it seems obvious now), Dissociative Identity Disorder, the Self-Injury and suicidal tendencies, the social phobia. She's seen how much better i'm doing. How, since that awful night in mid-december, when i almost killed myself, but decided to live, i've been able to vanquish one problem after another. She's seen how very happy i am in my new life, how much good it is doing me.

Hey, did i just say that? In my new life? Guess so. And it's true!

So anyway, next thursday, when i see her again, she'll have an appointment for me with the gender-specialist. Hurray!

On the down side, it might not work out to go shopping with my sister on saturday. Her boyfriend is coming back from Kiev in the Ukraine, and he isn't doing that well. And what's more, while he was away, she found herself another lover. So it's likely going to be a very busy weekend for her. Oh well, we'll see tomorrow.... Only i was looking forward to this so much.

But i did have a very good talk with my mum today. She is so totaly supportive and loving. She told me today that i do my make-up very well. Not to much, in the right places, good colours. I think i have a very good friend in my mum! And i'm so very glad that she isn't reacting like so many other parents would, with criticism and rejection, unwilling to even try to understand.

4th, Friday

Today not a lot happened. I spent a couple of hours answering mail and surfing TS sites, and being really happy for all the lucky girls! And being really happy for myself, too, because my sister is free tomorrow afternoon, so we will! be going shopping. This is the first time i'm going shopping for female clothes! I want shoes, a dress, a top, underwear *blush*, then, if my funds are sufficient, i need a bit more make-up. And afterwards i'll have everything i need to really get dressed, and i hope that my sister will agree to go out with me for a while in the evening. I love my sister, she is such a wonderful person. Oh, and Heather just reminded me to take my camera along, so that i will have some pics!!! I am really looking forward to tomorrow, and i guess i'll have loads to tell. I'm so happy! :)

On the down side, my friend Manu still hasn't replied to the mail i sent him two days ago, and i haven't seen him in real life either. I really hope he can handle my transformation, i would hate to loose him.

I'm sorry, it's late, and i can't write any more, cause i've got to catch the bus home. But tomorrow.....! Yeay!!!!

Love, a very very happy Ruby