April 16th, Sunday

Well, sorry everybody that it's been so long (i'm starting to repeat myself, aren't i?) but this was just one weird week. Firstly, i was on vacation. Didn't go anywhere because M had to cancel our little trip, so i was left in a bit of a void, no clear plans no structure for my days. I didn't handle it too badly, most days i was out of bed by early afternoon at the latest, and i didn't let my bedtime move to far into the morning, so i should be able to handle getting up to go to work tomorrow. On the other hand i didn't eat that regularly, so i lost the weight i'd gained in the last 2 or 3 weeks. Now i know that most of you girls out there would be thrilled at effortlessly loseing a couple of pounds, but if you're a recovering anorexic it kind of makes you worry. But i'm still within my safety-zone, and with work starting again tomorrow i will be back on 3 solid meals a day, so i should be okay.

Talking about food, what was fun this week was having the time to cook and eat at home instead of at my parents. That meant that i could renew/deepen my acquaintance with many of my friends and co-residents and make some steps back into the social life (something that's been missing outside of the virtual communities). We had some really fun times, jokeing and fooling around almost untill dawn on some nights, going to the movies or just watching tv, and also some sober moments discussing relationship-issues in private. These were the high points of my week, apart from what happened with K, but i'll get to that later (keeping the best for last).

On a more thoughtfull note i also had some pretty bad times this week. I often felt extremly unmotivated to get anything done (and indeed didn't get a lot of things done that i had planned to do). Instead i would grab a book and read, some days without even getting out of bed first, and thereby waste most of the day. At the same time i would let myself grow hungry, and mad at myself for being so lazy, and with that would come a growing sense of despair and uselessnes, leading to depression and suicidal thoughts. Seen like that i'm really glad that i'm back at work tomorrow, where things will certainly keep me busy.

Okay, if anybody was reading this in the last half hour and you wondered what i'm doing with my hair, i asked mum to put some henna in, so now i'm sitting here with my head wrapped in cling-wrap and a towel to keep it moist and warm, and in a while i'm going to go and wash it out and have even redder hair then before. I just thought that i'd give myself a treat before the holidays are truely over.

But anyway, as i was saying a lot of the time this week i wasn't doing very well. Apart from being depressed and fighting suicidal thoughts i also had strong urges to self-injure. These too i managed to fight for the most part (except for some minor scratching one evening). Also i didn't have the nerve to dress all week long. Part of that was that i was spending more time at home, where only a few people know about me (but 2 more this week, i finaly came out to 2 girls i'd been wanting to share this with for a long time). Another was that my selfconfidence for some reason was way down in the cellar. All in all it was probably the toughest week since i started this diary.

And then there's K.... *smiles and kisses you if you read this*

We met a couple of weeks ago on icq, she got my number from the antijen-list.

She loves me. I love her.

She lives a continent and an ocean away *sighs*

I guess i'm a real geek now, i even live my love-life online....

I never expected anything like this to happen to me. I don't even know how to describe this. Words fail me.

Love to you, my sweetheart.

And love to everybody else who reads this too.

Ruby