April 3rd, Monday

Thursday was therapy-day, as usual. I don't remember that much about it, but my t is defnitly beginning to accept that my ts is at the root of all my major problems with life. And it makes for therapy being much more productive.

Also on Thursday (how could i forget) i had lunch with my dad. It's like we see each other almost every day, but we hardly talk, and we have never once since i told him talked about my ts. And now he asked me to have lunch with him. In the past we've had some mighty rows, specialy when discussing things that i take to heart, so we're both being very civilised. What seemed strangest to me was that he said he didn't really have any questions. How did that go? No questions? I have trouble believing him. So i do tell him about what's been going on, how important it is to me, that i've always known it to be so. How there's the starndards of care, that the whole thing will take years, that there's allready several doctors and people involved. But he seems to really not have that many questions, and we spend a large part of lunch discussing my work-situation, living situation and finances. Lot's of things that are admittedly important, but that i'm slowly and steadily getting onto an even keel. Anyway, it wasn't bad as such things go, but he could show some more interest.

Friday was pretty normal to. Except i was quite blustered about Saturday, when i'd planned to go to 2 parties, the second of them dressed. So i decided that i defnitly had to shave on friday, and as all my razors and stuff where at home, i bought myself a Mach3, the three-bladed razor by gillette. Now i'd allways thought that it was just some marketing-ploy to make more money (because those cartridges are expensive!), but the subject had come up on antijen, and several people had said that they were really good, so i decided to try it out. And i just have to say that they weren't exagerating. First they're smooth, really smooth. Then they have a very flexible mounting, which makes the job a lot easier. Thirdly the way the blades are mounted makes them really easy to clean, which could be a problem with quite some razors i've used, and which with the wilkinson had been a real hassle. But what really convinced me was that i could do both my legs without drawing blood once.

When i got home on friday i learned that the first party i had planned to go to on saturday had been cancelled, but that instead we were going to see a friend perform with the university choir. Then we just hung around until the wee hours of the morning talking and having fun. Though of course it stressed me out that they all know me as a boy and that i'm not out yet and can't be me properly. But it was fun anyway.

Saturday. First i hated myself for sleeping in until 2pm, and then staying in bed reading another couple of hours, so that it was past 5 before i got up. By then i thought all the stores would be closed (remember, this is europe and we don't have the same opening-hours as in the states) and was feeling all bad about myself and hadn't eaten a thing yet, and that's something that i defnitly should avoid, recovering from anorexia as i am. For a moment i was even aware of myself thinking "well, you could just not eat anything today, and then nothing tomorrow either...." But of course that wouldn't do, so i got up, and was happy to find that the bigger food-stores only close at 6 (some of them), so i got myself all the ingredients for a pizza. And then of course i made everybody really happy, because i haden't cooked a meal at st.boni (where i live) for months. And it was actually quite fun, and the pizza was good too, and i resolved to do that again more often in the future. Then as the time was approaching to go to the concert i had a small crisis and went into withdrawal (or whatever it's called) for a moment, because i was really tempted to go change into something proper (my black dress would have been perfect for the occasion) but of the four of us who were going only Manu knows about me, and while i don't worry about Tünde's reaction (and want to tell her sometime soon anyway) Antoine honestly scares me. And by then it was to late to get changed and do my make-up and all anyway. *sniff* Still, i enjoyed the concert, even though i hadn't been to a classical concert since last being forced to go to one with school. Also i got the price reduction for students even though i don't have a students-card or anything. In the intermission the boys where just terrible, one would have thought they were in their young teens by their behaviour, and even though it was quite funny and the cause of an inordinate amount of giggles for Tünde and me it was also profoundly embarrasing. Afterwards we went back to st.boni, where another friend was haveing a small birthday-party. And that's where i missed the opourtunity to change and go to the other party i had planned to go to as well. To tell the truth, i didn't dare propose it to my friends (i'm still quite shy) and there was the whole problem of them not knowing again and i didn't want to go there alone. So i stayed with my friends, and i read the cards for Tünde, and Manu cooked me a meal at 4am, and we played april-fools-day-pranks on people, and if it weren't for daylight-saving-time the sun would have been up by the time we went to bed. The only disapointment was that i didn't get to talk to Tünde about myself and that i didn't get to just be me all day.

Sunday started of quite similar to saturday, sleeping in until 2pm and then reading in bed instead of getting up. Eventually i did drag myself out of bed, and this time did get dressed, and did my make-up and everything that a girl needs to pass. Though to be honest i yesterday i had to convince myself quite a lot to make me believe i would pass. But when i finaly did get out into the streets that wasn't a problem anymore. Didn't really do a lot yesterday, except catch up on the mail i hadn't read on saturday and surf and chat a bit. Learned quite a bit of family-gossip when my parents got back, there's a new feud started and my grandmother has parkinsons, on the other hand my aunt who's suffering from schizophrenia and alcoholism is doing a lot better and my cousins have projects for when they finish school, and my other aunt who was quite depressed after her husband died has sold her shop and is enjoying life a whole lot better again. *the joys of an extended family*

Today had two cool events and one pretty shitty. First i was able to give a whole stack of bills to my new future employer, who will pay them for me and i'll pay them back in small monthly installements starting with my first raise, interest free. All in all it's bills for about 2'500$ which are now of my back.

Then mum came home from the gynecologist, and the news is pretty bad. ((((((((((((((((((((((Mama)))))))))))))))))))))))))

But we talked for quite a bit, and held each other a bit, and she said how glad she is to have me back (compared to how bad i was doing in autumn) and how she really believed that i was doing the right thing. I love my mother, and i have never felt closer to her then now, or been able to talk with her as openly. We spent a nice moment side by side at the window, looking at the garden, which is really beautiful with flowers, and the country-side all green with spring, and it was really nice.

Oh, and i had a phone-call from my sister....: "hi, i'm leaving for the airport in 10 minutes, what have i forgotten?" She's going to russia, deep into the country, to attend a wedding, and i wish her all the best of luck!

That's all for tonight.

Love,

Ruby

April 7th, Friday

Well, actualy it's allready Saturday. I just spent most of the last four hours in the bath, soaking in the hot water (with occasional refils) and reading some good science-fiction ("State of the Art" by Iain M. Banks). Because of this i'll have to stay overnight, which dad doesn't like very much, but it also means that i get to chat with some people i otherwise only see rarely (because of different time-zones). My thinking's kind of slow right now, it's late.

To recoup what happened this week: I had therapy the last three days. On tuesday it was nothing special, but on wednesday was with Dr. Chatton. He really takes his time, this session lasted for 2 whole hours. For the main part we filled in some family-history, and it was quite interesting actually seeing who all belongs to the family and how it all fits together. He also said that next time we meet we'll discuss his diagnosis and what options are open for me. But what with vacation and his rather tight schedule it will only be on the 12th of may. (and i mustn't forget to fax him a letter beforehand). I wonder what he will say?

With my usual therapist on Thursday we talked about our therapist-patien relationship. Only that i can't really remember what we said for the most part. And i think it doesn't help ma memory that i'm almost falling asleep right now.

And that basicly says it, I'm falling asleep, so i'd better go to bed....

Love,

Ruby