"Some windows should never be opened."

Secret Window (2004): 4/10

Poster (c) Columbia Pictures

In my opinion, Johnny Depp is one of the most overrated actors out there. Although I haven't seen two of his major works, Edward Scissorhands and Ed Wood (the latter's DVD which was pushed back), I was just never a fan. Even his over-the-top performance in Pirates of the Caribbean couldn't really save it. And in Secret Window, his first major role since Pirates, there was a way he could pull through to save the sinking movie, but he only added to this disaster. Instead of pulling what could be a plausible performance, he creates quite possibly the most annoying character ever to come onto celluloid.

Depp plays supposedly famous writer Mort, who is working on his next novel in a secluded cabin in a secluded forest in which everyone knows how to get to and where there's an unlimited supply of Doritos and Mountain Dew. One day, an odd man named John Shooter (John Turturro) comes up to his "secluded" cabin and tells Mort that his story "Secret Window" was stolen by Mort. Unless Shooter gets proof that Mort wrote it first, he will do very bad PG-13 things to him and people around him.

Based on a Stephen King "novella" (aka a story he couldn't pad out to 700 pages), Secret Window could have been about the isolation felt by Mort as he's working alone on writing something (but then again, it's exactly like The Shining...he'd be plagiraizing off of his own work!), or it could have gotten into the tormentor's head (see also: Misery). But instead, it focuses on Mort's "daily routine" and his worthless inter-personal relationships with one-dimensional characters that exist for stupid "plot" developments later on. And once writer/director David Koepp's (who wrote both Panic Room and Spider-Man screenplay gets psychological, it's a complete ripoff of a certain cult movie from 1999 (I won't say which one, because the ending might be the only surprising part of the movie for you).

There were a couple tense scenes, mainly starting out with random jumps to get us "in the mood". Then there's the overbearing Philip Glass music score. I think that Secret Window could learn something from movies of the 70's, and that's that music isn't necessary for a suspenseful movie. Many movies back then didn't even have music in them for most of the time. Everyone who dies was obviously going to die, and as the movie drew to a close, it just became more and more clichéd.

Three of the four main characters were impossible to like, so it was impossible to feel anything with them. Mort was obnoxious, lazy, stubborn, and spoiled, and how are we supposed to care about a guy whose biggest decisions are whether to put ice in his Mountain Dew or not? Amy (Maria Bello from The Cooler) popped in at random times to call someone she supposedly hated (who is Mort, and I wonder why...). Ted (Timothy Hutton) thankfully didn't have much to do, so his annoying character couldn't be developed much. However, Turturro did a subdued, over-the-top role and made his character a welcome presence. Overall, though, this movie is chiefly for teenage girls who see it for Johnny Depp (what DO they see in him?) or for some stupid, cheap scares.

Rated PG-13 for violence/terror, sexual content and language.

Review Date: March 20, 2004