CAT QUOTES

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night." --Maria Corelli

"Cats spit on their hands and rub it all over their bodies." --Unknown

"I called my cat William because no shorter name fits the dignity of his character. Poor old man, he has fits now, so I call him Fitz-William." --Josh Billings

"If I wanted to hear the patter of little feet in the house, I'd put shoes on my cat." --Unknown

"Does ownership of the family cat, and all its by-products, immediately transfer to the female head of the household whenever the word 'hairball' is uttered?" --Barbara L. Diamond

"Show me a good mouser, and I'll show you a cat with bad breath." --Garfield

"A man has to work so hard so that something of his personality stays alive. A tomcat has it so easy, he has only to spray and his presence is there for years on rainy days." --Albert Einstein

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Unknown

"Cats may sense early on that you don't like paw prints on your butter, but they will jump onto any surface in the home as long as no one sees it happen." --Kathy Young

"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic." --Unknown

"Cats are the ultimate narcissists. You can tell this because of all the time they spend on personal grooming. Dogs aren't like this. A dog's idea of personal grooming is to roll in a dead fish." --James Gorman

"My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes." --Unknown

"Apparently, through scientific research, it has been determined that a cat's affection gland is stimulated by snoring, thus explaining my cat's uncontrollable urge to rub against my face at 2 a.m." --Terri L. Haney

"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit." --Unknown

"They sleep in the bed and go in and out of the cat door all night -- I shudder to think what the laundry thinks we do to our sheets, because it's a sea of mud some nights. If they go in and out a lot, all you get are little black pawprints." --Sian Phillips

"Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives." --Unknown

"Cats can derive their nutrition from the air they breathe until you get the message that the Fish Fin Buffet you put in their bowl three days ago will never be acceptable." --Kathy Young

"It's always blackest just before you step on the cat." --Unknown

"If human, cats might play solitare, but they would never sit around with the gang and a few six-packs watching Monday Night Football." --Time Magazine, Dec.7, 1981

"A mouse in the paws is worth two in the pantry." --Louis Wain

"We have a friend who hates cats. Every time he comes to the house the cat sits on his knee." --Unknown

"Cats know how we feel; they just don't give a damn." --Unknown

"Okay, cats will never bring you pictures they've drawn in school, but they may give you a dead mouse. What parent could resist that gift?" --Terri L. Haney

"A cat knows you are the key to his happiness... a man thinks he is." --Unknown

"The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an ax-murderer." --Paula Poundstone

"A cat stretches from one end of my childhood to the other." --Blaga Dimitrova

"Cats never feel threatened. They are genetically incapable of accepting that anyone could possibly dislike anything as perfect as a cat." --Kathy Young

"All you have to remember is Rule 1: When in doubt - Wash." --Paul Gallico

"To bathe a cat takes brute force, perseverance, courage of conviction--and a cat. The last ingredient is usually hardest to come by." --Stephen Baker

"It's really the cat's house. I just pay the mortgage." --Anonymous

"Cats always seem so very wise, when staring with their half-closed eyes. Can they be thinking, "I'll be nice, and maybe she will feed me twice?" --Bette Midler

"Cats always land on their feet. Dogs won't even let you throw them." --Unknown

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer." --Anonymous

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while, I was a suspect." --Steven Wright

"Kittens are born with their eyes shut. They open them in about six days, take a look around, then close them again for the better part of their lives." --Stephen Baker

"A cat will wait until you've read your morning paper before tearing it to shreds." --Unknown

"Does the father figure in your cat's life ever clean the litter box? My husband claims that men lack the scooping gene." --Barbara L. Diamond

"While you might see a cat on a hot tin roof, a dog on a hot tin roof would be yowling its head off." --Dr. Bruce Fogle

"If you put down food and the cat eats, it's hungry. If it doesn't, it isn't." --Larry Madrid

"My cat's breath smells like cat food." --Ralph Wiggum

"You must set down all the rules to your cat at the beginning of your relationship. You cannot add rules as you go along. Once these rules are set, you must never, under any circumstances, break any of them. Dare to break a rule, and you will never live it down. Trust me." --Kathy Young

"Cats are just little hair factories." --James Davis, D.V.M.

"Places to look: behind the books in the bookshelf, any cupboard with a gap too small for any cat to squeeze through, the top of anything sheer, under anything too low for a cat to squash under and inside the piano." --Roseanne Ambrose-Brown

"If you can remember how many cats you have, you don't have enough." --Unknown

"Cats don't bark and act brave when they see something small in fur or feathers, they kill it. Dogs tend to bravado. They're braggarts. In the great evolutionary drama the dog is Sergeant Bilko, the cat is Rambo." --James Gorman

"Never underestimate the power of a purr." --Anonymous

"All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats." --Steven Wright

"Cats are kindly masters, just so long as you remember your place." --Paul Gray

"I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles." --Steven Wright

"Even overweight cats instinctively know the cardinal rule: When fat, arrange yourself in slim poses." --John Weitz

"I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat." --Jay Leno

"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in the water bowl." --Penny Ward Moser

"The difference between a cat and a dog: A dog thinks: They feed me, they shelter me, they love me, they must be gods. A cat thinks: They feed me, they shelter me, they love me, I must be GOD." --Unknown

"Cats have an infallible understanding of total concentration -- and get between you and it." --Arthur Bridges

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." --Dave Platt

"Cat lovers can readily be identified. Their clothes always look old and well used. Their sheets look like bath towels, and their bath towels look a collection of knitting mistakes." --Eric Gurney

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch

"People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." --Missy Dizick

"As a fan, I'm distraught, but as a cartoonist looking at new vacant spaces in 2,400 newspapers, well, behind me, my cats are dancing a conga line." --Scott Adams, Dilbert's creator, on the ending of Calvin & Hobbes

"An ordinary kitten will ask more questions than any five year old." --Carl Van Vechten

"How do cats decide when to jump suddenly up from where they were sitting comfortably curled up and dash madly around the room, knocking over everything they encounter? Fuzzy logic." --Andrew Koenig

"A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats." --Ben Franklin

"Do not allow long hair black cats to sleep atop laser printers and tape drives. The black hair is almost invisible in black pattens, gears, and rollers." --Jeff Liebermann

"I gave my cat a bath the other day ... they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that..." --Steve Martin

"The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath." --W. C. Fields

"Garfield's Law: Cats instinctively know the precise moment their owners will awaken...then they awaken them ten minutes sooner." --Jim Davis

"We have two cats. They're my wife's cats, Mischa and Alex. You can tell a woman names a cat like this. Women always have sensitive names: Muffy, Fluffy, Buffy. Guys name cats things like Tuna Breath, Fur Face, Meow Head. They're nice cats. They've been neutered and they've been declawed. So they're like pillows that eat." --Larry Reeb

"Last year a team of scientists published the results of an extensive study of cat language. They determined that although cats may demonstrate a wide variety of vocalizations, they actually only have two phrases that are translatable into human terms: 1. Hurry up with that food. 2. Everything here is mine." --Unknown

"Men and dogs will never understand what a woman sees in a cat." --Anonymous

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" --Steven Wright

"Cats can be very funny, and have the oddest ways of showing they're glad to see you. Rudimace always peed in our shoes." --W.H. Auden

"A computer and a cat are somewhat alike -- they both purr, and like to be stroked, and spend a lot of the day motionless. They also have secrets they don't necessarily share." --John Updike

"Cats do not think that they are little people. They think that we are big cats. This influences their behavior in many ways." --Unknown

"When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up." --Rodney Dangerfield

"When dogs leap onto your bed, it's because they adore being with you. When cats leap onto your bed, it's because they adore your bed." --Alisha Everett

"The only self-cleaning thing in this kitchen is the cat." --Unknown

"I have an Egyptian cat. He leaves a pyramid in every room." --Rodney Dangerfield

"There are two means of refuge from the complexities of life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." --Robert A. Heinlein