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A Place for Jewish Women
Who Have Suffered a Miscarriage, a Stillbirth,
Or the Death of a Child Younger Than 30 Days Old

You are the Counter visitor to have rested here for a while.
May you find comfort in the support and love of the Jewish community.
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Infertility, Child Loss And The Bible

©1998 Sarah Vita

Introduction

In Judaism, as in most major religions, a big emphasis is placed on the family. Jews are comanded by G-d to "be fruitful and multiply"(Genesis 1:28), and , in our marriage ceremony, we promise to have children that will be brought up according to the laws of Moses. It says in the Mishnah Torah (Mishnah Torah Hilkhot Ishut 15) that, after 10 years of infertility, men are permitted to divorce and take another wife so that they can have children. Where does that leave childless women?

Many prayers refer to the way in which we must pass to our children our heritage, our customs, our values, our names. What about those of us who also value children but, for one reason or another, can't have any? What can we expect from G-d? What can we expect from our Jewish community?

Modern Medicine

Modern medicine has been able to help some of us get pregnant. New drugs and techniques have permitted previously infertile men and women to conceive. In the past, these couples had no scientific reason for hope for having children. Some were aware of this even before they married, and, yet, they chose to marry and have an otherwise fulfilling life. Others found out later in their marriage, after long periods of 'trying', of frustration, of shame and humiliation.

Modern medicine has been able to keep women pregnant longer. Aided by extra doses of progesterone, baby aspirins, and other medical interventions, more women than before come to discover that they have become pregnant and that their late, especially heavy menstrual cycle is actually a spontaneous miscarriage. In my case, even though my baby died at about 6 gestational weeks (after I had seen her heartbeat in the first ultrasound), because I was taking hormones, I remained pregnant, growing and happy until my next ultrasound at 12 gestational weeks.

Modern medicine has been able to change the way we 'see', literally, pregnancy. After about 7 weeks, we can actually 'see' the baby taking a form. We can watch her develop. We can see her heart beating. We can view her sucking her thumb. As we watch her grow, we can more easily imagine what she will look like. We can more quickly see problems as they develop and get prompt intervention. For some of us, that may make the difference between having a healthy baby or no baby at all.

Modern medicine has its limitations, and, for most of us, none of these 'miracles' results in the baby that we are hoping for. The suffering can be enourmous.

Infertility in the Old Testament

In Genesis 16:1-11, 17:15-17, 20:17-21:08, Sarah, Abraham's wife, was 'barren', in Genesis_29:20-30:24 , Rachel, Jacob's wife, was infertile, in I Samuel 1:1-2:10, Hannah, Elkanah's wife, had trouble conceiving, and in Judges 13:02-24, Manoah's wife could not bear a child. Ever faithful and hopeful, each one grieved and dealt with their pain in different ways. G-d did not let their suffering go unacknowledged; nor did G-d let their prayers go unanswered. In each story, G-d delivered them from infertility to motherhood.

In some places in the Bible, infertility is seen as a punishment for a crime (Leviticus 20:20-21). G-d punishes evil-doers by making the land barren (2 Kings, Esther, etc.), and barrenness is sometimes seen as a metaphor for Israel's exile. Some scholars interpret this infertility of some of our matriarchs as a religious ordination (Teubal, Savina J. (1984). Sarah the Priestess: The First Matriarch of Genesis. Athens, Ohio: Swallow Press). These 'barren' women delivered us some of our most interesting leaders: Isaac, Joseph, Samuel, and Samson, but what about the women for whom G-d does not intervene? What consolation is there for them?

Child Loss Before 30 Days

In Jewish law, babies younger than 30 days old are not given full human status. In the Babylonian Talmud (Yevamot 69B), a fetus up to 40 days old is considered to be "merely water". Women who miscarry a fetus that is more than 3 months in gestation, may not perform a Pidyon Haben (first-born male ceremony) for a subsequent son born alive because the fetus, in this case, was considered to be the first issue of the mother's womb. Still, there are not rituals for this 'first issue'. When a fetus is 5 months old, some consider it to have acquired a shape, and they permit some recognition of this loss by permitting a burial (Eisenstein, J.D. 1938. A Treasury of Laws and Customs. NY,NY: Hebrew Publishing Co.). Fetuses older than 5 months, stillborn babies, and babies under 30 days old are buried in family plots or in a communal plot with others in that age group. Usually, for fetuses, no formal ceremony is held. Stillborn children and those under 30 days may be ritually washed, buried in a casket, be the recipient of the El Malei Rachamim prayer (asking G-d to watch and grant peace to the departed soul), and be given a Hebrew name at graveside. Circumcision of boys before burial is optional, there is no ritual rending of garments, and some rabbis do not permit the Kaddish Prayer to be said. A baby who is born alive, but dies after from 1 to 30 days, may be accorded a full burial by some of the more contemporary Reconstructionist, Reform, and Conservative rabbis. As it says in the Mishnah Nidah 5:3: A one day old infant who dies is, to his father and mother, like a full bridegroom.

Some say that these laws were motivated by compassion; in the past, so many women lost their pregnancies and their infants, and, in the present, it permits Jewish women to have abortions. As a result of this law, there are no routine mourning rituals for women who have suffered this devastating loss.

Maintaining the Faith

It seems impossible to understand why some people can have children and others can't. We may have medical explanations, but it is difficult to find the spiritual ones. There are those of us who believe that, even though we may never understand why, G-d does everything for a reason; we have a need to search for explanations and a need for loving compassion. Look to G-d (through yourself, your rabbi, or religious people) for the spiritual insights, look to friends and family (and angels in the form of strangers) for the emotional support, and look to the medical community for scientific explanations. Don't lose hope! Keep the faith!

I pray that my pages aid your journey. In my pain, I reach out to you in love.

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