Evil Masterminding for Idiots!

Javin looked up from his tankard. “This again. If you’re gonna start with that, I need a refill. Jess! More beer!”

The sorceress emerged from her kitchen, carrying a platter of sandwiches. “If you’re going to be so rude, you can get it yourself,” she answered the large, burly man.

“Aw, c’mon. After I saved your life at - “

“At the battle of Garnet Peak,” she groaned. “Fine, fine. More beer. Ker, how about you?”

“I’m fine, Jessenia. But I think that we three should go into the evil business.”

“Hold that thought,” she said, disappearing back into the kitchen with Javin’s mug. Returning, she hovered briefly behind Javin, as if contemplating pouring the mug’s contents on his head. Then she dropped it into the table next to him and resumed her seat. Picking up a sandwich, she looked at Ker and said, “I’m for it. Conditionally.”

Javin pouted - an odd sight on such a large man. “Why we gotta go and be evil?”

Ker steepled his slim fingers, preparing for an enjoyable lecture. “There’s a vacuum. Adventuring groups - “

“I ain’t vacuuming. This is Jess’s house, she gets to clean it.”

Ker and Jessenia simultaneously reached up to massage their temples. Ker tried again. “There’s an evil shortage. Adventuring groups have become too successful. It’ll all be boring soon. Someone’s got to fill the gap, and I think we’re the group for the job. We’ve never been as upstanding as Sir William and his crew, and we’re more self-interested than Mettia’s charity group. And we’re frankly brighter than most of the rest of the yahoos out there. We’d make smashing villains.”

Javin brightened. “We’d get to smash villains?”

“Er... yes. Any villains that get in our way, you’d get to smash. And smash anyone else that gets in the way.”

“I can do that,” Javin nodded. His thick brow darkened. “But every time you bring this up, you start with the plotting. Couldn’t we just be harsh overlords or something? Something simple?”

Ker rolled his eyes. “But that’s boring! And only good for one group of heroes, really. They depose us and we’re done.”

“My brain hurts when you start with the plans,” Javin protested.

“Gentlemen,” Jessenia interposed. “We’ll need a base of operations, of course. Javin can be whatever sort of overlord he likes - within reason,” she added, pointing at the warrior. “A standard harsh overlord will be fine. We’ll round up a nice Doom Legion for you, and you can terrorize the surrounding countryside to your heart’s content.”

“Great!” the big man beamed.

“Ker, that’ll be a nice secure place for you to extend your tentacles out of.” Her conniving comrade nodded slowly. “And I’ll have to have a lab, of course.”

“What?” Javin looked up. “Won’tcha be my consort? I thought the evil sorceress was always - ” Teeth bared, Jess brought up an arm in a rather ominous gesture. Javin tried to shield himself with his arms. “Not the pig spell! Not the pig spell! You can have the lab!”

Jess lowered her arm. “I said I’d do this conditionally,” she said tightly. “These are the conditions. One, no consorting. Two, a deluxe lab setup. Trust me, Javin, you’ll love what I can do to your Doom Legion. Three, I design my own wardrobe.”

Ker shook his head slightly. Jessenia just hadn’t been quite the same since she came back from that postdoc at Vassar. “Now there are certain dress standards,” he admonished her. “Even for the men, and you know that. Have you ever seen an evil wizard without a sinister moustache and goatee?”

“No,” she admitted reluctantly. “They all have them. Even when it only makes them look ridiculous. All right, all right. But no navel-deep cleavage, no metal clothing, and nothing body-hugging from the waist down. I’m not as young as I used to be, you know. And I expect to see you,” she looked at Javin, “in spiky armor. And you...”

“All black, all the time,” Ker said agreeably. “With silver on dress occasions. I’m actually looking forward to the swirling cape. So, to recap: we have the Fist of Steel to abuse the peasantry, the Twisted Mage performing dark research in her tower and,” he smiled self-indulgently, “the Evil Mastermind whose plots will span the world! A fine start, I believe.”

Jess put down her sandwich to take up paper and pen. “So… we need a good ominous castle with abundant peasants to exploit, some Doom Legionnaires, new lab equipment...”

“A spy network,” Ker put in.

“More beer?” Javin asked meekly.

“Kitchen,” the other two pointed in unison, already absorbed in their plans.