Evil Masterminding for Idiots!

Jessenia read the small print critically. “And my lab goes where? That’s just a big barracks.”

“Oh. Uh… how ‘bout this one? It’s got a nice tower.” Jess nodded and showed the ad to Ker. He shook his head. “The damn thing’s practically in the arctic! I was hoping for something a little more centrally located.” Seeing that Javin was still unconvinced, he added, “And your Legion would have to march a real long way before they found anything to smash.”

“Oh.” Javin pursed his lips and took back the catalogue. Jess looked over his shoulder, and suddenly jabbed a finger down onto the page. “Look at that! It’s fabulous!”

Javin squinted. “It’s a house.”

“It’s a mansion,” she corrected. “ ‘Slightly crumbling old columns, faded façade, but exuding a malevolent charm,’” she read the blurb. “ ‘Located in scenic subtropical swamp; alligators, panthers, and water snakes abound. Malaria an added risk to unwanted intruders!’ Oh, I love it already!”

Javin frowned. “I don’t wanna march through a swamp.”

“So boat! You could have marines as your Legionnaires. And if my research goes well, I could modify some elite units for you. Fishmen?” Javin frowned more. “Frogmen?”

“Snakemen?” Ker suggested.

“Snakemen!” Javin’s face lit up. “That would have some style. With fangs, you think?”

“I could do fangs,” Jess assured him.

“And constricting tails?” Javin squeezed his fists in excited demonstration.

“Of course.”

“Great! All right, I like it. As long as I get my snakemen. What do you think, Ker?” Javin passed the paper back.

Ker read over the listing and wandered over to the map he’d tacked up on the wall. “Hum… close enough to the sea to boat there, far enough away that an enemy landing would be difficult… central to several major power centers but lost in a maze of cypress roots and hanging moss… hidden in plain sight, as it were. Abundant natural hazards for the unwary, terrain difficult for the unprepared interloper but accessible to locals. That’ll do,” he concluded, smiling. He glanced back down at the paper and his face fell. “Do you think we can make the down payment?”

“Why?” Jessenia asked, suddenly concerned. “How much is it?”

“More than we’ve got,” Ker said ruefully. “Unless one of you isn’t particularly attached to your soul?” Heads shook. “Me neither.”

“Oh, let me see that,” Jess said, suddenly annoyed. “Really. How are we going to be decent villains if we can’t even acquire the real estate we want? There’s got to be a way around this.” Ker surrendered the catalogue to the sorceress. “What if we just move in? Do you think they could stop us?”

Javin nodded nervously. “Jess, it’s EvilState. They accept payment in souls. That’s not usually good news.”

“Ffft! So? They might be nothing more than a bunch of imps running around trying to impress people. We could handle that.”

Ker shook his head. “Jess, remember when Zebob the Terrible’s keep exploded in a ball of flame and sulphur? And none of the adventuring groups took responsibility?”

“Yeah?”

“That was EvilState foreclosing. He’d missed a mortgage payment.”

“Oh.” Jess stared at the picture of the mansion a bit longer. Then inspiration hit. “I think we should call for negotiations. Ker, you said it yourself - there just aren’t as many villains around these days. It ought to be a buyer’s market out there! We ought to be able to talk them down into our price range.”

Ker grimaced. “And by ‘we’ you mean ‘me,’ right?”

“I sure as hell didn’t mean Javin.”

“Hey!”