Evil Masterminding for Idiots!

“And I can’t make his snakemen until I have a lab!” Jessenia called from the kitchen.

“Please, please!” Ker held up his hands. “I don’t think your whole Doom Legion was going to be snakemen, were they, Javin? Just an elite terror squad or two. There’s no reason we can’t hire some muscle now.”

Jess stalked back to the living room, dusting flour – or some white powder – from her hands. “One, we can’t pay them right now. Two, we have nothing for them to do right now. Three… did I mention we can’t pay them right now? I congratulate you on the deal with EvilState,” Jessenia told Ker, “but it still tapped our coffers.”

“Tapped? Is there a keg?” Javin brightened.

“I made sure there were funds left,” Ker protested. “In each of our accounts. But I need mine for startup bribes and graft.”

“I need mine for my equipment budget. All that glassware has to be hand-blown, you know.”

Javin looked morose. “I wanted to wait for the snakemen. I figure they’d need custom armor, and it’d be expensive.” Ker and Jessenia both fell into an astonished silence. They didn’t think Javin could plan that far ahead.

Ker tried a different tactic. He shrugged. “Oh, all right. Doom Legion later, then. So... Jessenia, who’s going to help you move?”

The sorceress paused on her way back to check the cauldron. “What?”

“Move. To the mansion. You know, pack up everything, pad the breakables, cart it south, unload it, load it onto the boat, unload it at the mansion, unpack everything.”

“Um... hm.” She paused, considering the hand-blown glassware. She considered Javin attempting to pack up hand-blown glassware. “Maybe I could enspell it all and transport the lot of it,” she said uncertainly.

“Oh, all right. If you think that will work,” Ker said offhandedly. “And you, Javin?”

“Huh? My stuff? I can carry it all on my horse. I always do, you know that.”

“So you’re leaving that new forge behind?” Ker sounded surprised. “That’s a shame; you’re really rather good at smithing.”

Javin smacked his forehead with his palm, leaving a greasy smear of butter behind. “The forge! I forgot it! An’ all the adventuring trophies! I don’t usually bring ‘em into the field. Uh... maybe a second horse?” He furrowed his brow. “Nah, the anvil’s way heavier than a horse can carry. Would a cart work, Ker?”

Jess was regarding the slender, black-clad man with narrowed eyes. “You wanted to recruit the Doom Legion early to help you pack, didn’t you?”

“Well...” Ker studied the ceiling innocently. “Yes.”

“Well, why didn’t you say so? That makes some sense, actually,” Jess said. “But we still can’t afford them.”

“What about officers?” Javin put in. The other two looked at him. The day was just full of surprises. “I mean, there’s fewer of them than legionnaires. And then they’d be with us longer, so maybe they’d be more trusty... trustworthy. Which is good for officers, right?” He looked at his partners anxiously. Jess and Ker, mouths identically open, nodded together.

“I could afford to bring an apprentice on-line,” Jessenia volunteered.

“I could hire a spymaster,” Ker added, still somewhat stunned.

“Great! And I’ll get a captain,” Javin beamed. Then he frowned. “Uh-oh. I dunno what sort of captain to get. If he’s a big badass, he’ll be too much like me. If he’s a little quick guy, he’ll be too much like Ker. He’s gotta be different.”

“Maybe a dramatic scar or wound,” Ker suggested. “That sets officers apart from the Evil Masterminds, usually.”

“Your captain,” Jessenia added, with just a touch of acid in her voice, “doesn’t have to be a ‘he.’ ‘He’ could be a she, and I think there’d be little chance of confusing some valkyrie with me. And it would be nice to have another strong female presence in the mansion.”

Ker and Javin met each other’s eyes. An Evil Female Captain usually meant a good deal of artful leather or chainmail, very impractical, very tall boots, and a whip. “What a progressive idea,” Ker said, slowly. He tried to discreetly wipe his chin.

“Oh, real enlightened,” Javin replied. “Great idea, Jess. Really, really great idea.”