Evil Masterminding for Idiots!

Kali gave a soft groan. "Please not another light show."

A person might think that a distinguished gathering of wizards, magi, sorceresses and seers in a solemn and ancient hall would be a dignified affair. The Most Ancient Lodge of Eternal Magicks had served as a gathering place for masters and apprentices for centuries, if not a millenia. The domed roof soared high overhead, inlaid with glittering mosaics. Graceful pillars supported it, the capitals carved in subtle geometries that at once seemed harmonius yet slightly disturbing. Long tables, lit not by candles but with sorcerous light, swayed under piles of savory foods and great bowls of drink.

However, the Year of the Shattered Altar's Twenty Year Reunion had been getting more and more rowdy as the night progressed. Not content with telling their former friends and colleagues the heights they had achieved, the mages felt compelled to show. Balls of sulphurous flame had exploded up in the domed ceiling, raining down a fine ash on the partygoers. Complex illusions of light and shadow had crawled up and down the pillars and across the polished marble floors. Small spirits and sprites were summoned and prompty ran amuck, spilling drinks and pinching the guests. Ghostly music swelled in a cacaphony, as each wizard with similar talents sought to outdo the others - while the first invisible bands were still playing.

The table lights dimmed in unison and a vast, bright illusion took over a good part of the dome. Kali and Justin watched as it showed scenes of happy, young wizards and sorceresses doing various magical things in this very hall. It continued on with more mature magi holding meetings here, or visiting the attached apothecary, or returning to take an apprentice of their own. It ended with glowing runes that, thanks to the mosaics underneath, shimmered and sparkled faintly.

"Give to the Alumni Fund," Justin murmured, and shook his head as the wizards around him clapped and the house lights came up. "Whatever."

Jessenia had insisted that her twenty-year reunion would be a great place to do some networking. Wizards often had grandiose plans and the need to hire some evil. But Ker had insisted she not do the contacting herself - he wanted additional layers of anonimity between the heads of Evil for Hire and the clients. So Jessenia was there, regaling old friends and enemies with tales of her adventuring years, but Kali and Justin were here to do the real work. Mostly Justin, actually - Kali's time with Hell's Belles might have made her too recognizable, and the pre-reunion dirt-digging had definitely been more up Justin's alley. He had, in fact, insisted that he could do the job alone, even if his ruse was uncovered, but the Masterminds had ordered the backup.

Now, after the mind-numbing boredom of two hours of someone else's reunion, he was glad to have the familiar face along.

Across the room, Jessenia caught Justin's eye and tipped her head slightly towards the rail-thin man she was talking with. Moments later, she drifted off to another knot of old friends. Justin allowed a quarter of an hour or so to pass before making his way over, Kali trailing behind him. Getting closer, he smiled and spread his arms. "Andreas!" he called jovially.

The scarecrow man jumped, spilling the drink he'd been refilling. Red wine trickled slowly down his opulent, spangled robes, which seemed several sizes too large for him. With wide, jittery eyes, he regarded Justin and Kali. "Yes? D-do I know you?"

"You used to! Jason! Remember? There was the time we..." he trailed off as the thin wizard started shaking his head and backing away. Justin sighed theatrically. "Nobody remembers. I'm still not sure if that Cipher spell worked terribly well or failed terribly..."

"C-cipher?"

"An enigma! A forgotten man, no face, no identity... useful in certain, eh, sticky situations, don't you know? It was a brilliant piece of research, if I do say so myself, but the lingering effects have made events like these most awkward."

"Y-you're kidding me." He looked around suspiciously. "Is this an apprentice joke?"

"Andreas!" Justin sounded wounded. "Remember when old Zirno assigned us an elixer he knew none of us had the ingredients for, and we had to break into the apothecary just to finish the assignment?"

The wizard gasped and put a finger to his lips, shushing wildly. "Zirno's still here! But how do you know about that? We all got away free and clear!"

"I was there, Andreas." Justin narrated a few other incidents Jessenia had told him about, and before long Andreas was nodding and shaking his head in amazement. He introduced Kali, who smiled pleasantly, then turned the discussion to the usual reunion topics: how've you been, what've you been up to, any new earth-shaking magics you've heard of? And Andreas had to admit, with a reluctant shrug, that his alchemical business was not what it could be.

"I'm getting by, after all," he hastened to add. "As long as there's nobles who fear getting poisoned, I'll have work. But I used to do such a business in healing draughts, liquid fire, and sleep elixers... but the adventurers can't get work, so they're not buying from me. I've tried cutting the prices on the healing draughts - you know, appeal to the wider audience - but if I go much lower, I'll be losing money on them. I've got some knights who're good customers, but the regular soldiers just can't afford them. And I just refuse to sell rose water and call it a love potion, like some people..."

"Andreas," Justin said, laying an arm over the man's shoulders with an air of familiar conspiracy. "Since we're such good old friends - even if I'm the only one who remembers that at the moment - I've got something I think you'd like to hear. Kali, be a dear and keep a lookout for prying ears?" He drew the wizard away from the banquet tables and over towards the wall. "I've got some contacts who might be interested in your wares. Lots of them."

"Really?" the alchemist asked eagerly. "Like who?"

"The Temple of Babu, for one. The Laturia Thieves' Guild, for another."

Andreas was aghast. "You have contacts in those places?"

"Why do you think I needed the Cipher spell?"

"Oh... but then they don't remember you. How can you call them your contacts?"

"Maybe 'contacts' is the wrong word. I know what they need. I know who you'd need to contact to make the sales. I can impart this knowledge to you." Andreas raised his eyebrows expectantly. Justin tilted his head slightly in reply.

It took the alchemist a moment to catch on that this was slightly more than an act of charity towards an old friend. He hastened to add, "And I would be so thankful to you for that! I insist that, should the deals go well, you let me give you five percent."

The tilt increased. "Oh, I couldn't possibly."

"Seven?"

Justin's chin nearly touched his chest, now looking up at Andreas with raised eyebrows. "Perish the thought."

"Ten?"

"Well, if you insist. I'll make sure you get a list of contacts and their needs within the fortnight." He gave the alchemist a slap on the back. "It was good seeing you again, Andreas!"

"Nice to meet you... er, see you again, Jason!"

"Well," Justin said, rejoining Kali, "that was most satisfactory. We'll be collecting a finder's fee from the temple and and the guild, for getting them their potions, a fee from the alchemist for getting him business, and anyone tracing the poisons back to their source gets Andreas, not us. Let's see if Jessenia's found anyone - "

"Look out," Kali said, almost bored. "Hellhound incoming." She gave Justin a shove to the side and quickly followed as the infernal creature galloped past. "Honestly," she asked, watching it leap onto a table and begin to eat from the trays, "if you can conjure a hellhound, shouldn't you be able to conjure a leash for it?"

"Ah... perhaps we should be going now. They've all had a lot to drink..."

The hound finished the appetizers and turned its baleful red eyes on the crowd. A red-nosed enchantress made a few elaborate gestures and shouted out something eldritch, and the hound stopped. Then it licked its nose and let loose a howl that totally destroyed the mood of the evening.

The enchantress muttered something that might have been, "Oops," as the more quick-witted called for guards, magical or mundane. "Aw, hell no," Kali grinned, producing weapons from gods-knew-where. "Looks like the evening is just warming up!"