MINISTRY
Jonas Does Jack ... well tries to
This story is a parody of a certain kind of slash - it has some innuendo and double entendre but no graphic sex also some mild Jack whumping and really terrible puns and of course teasing. Jonas tries to share certain Kewlonian therapies with Jack with help that back fires from Teal'c. This story started as a joking remark on a BBS about what non S&J slash combo would offend the most number of shippers ...shippers note we're talking about the sillier sort of shipper who couldnt "get" satire with footnotes attached!
On with the story
Jack was not a happy camper this morning! "Why am I tied to my OWN @@#$%%ing bed!!!" screamed Jack demandingly at Jonas and Teal'c who were standing at the end of it dressed in identical white cotton pyjamas. Jonas had what Jack regarded as his most annoying "I really want to help" look and Tealc had his smug "Indeed many times I consider myself to be superior to the Tauri" expression. Jonas looking horrorifying earnest answered. "I was advised that given your psychological profile this was the most effective and efficient eay to get your "undivided attention" was the term used" "For what?" snarled Jack who had not enjoyed awakening to the discovery of silken bonds tying his naked body to the bedposts. His usual first thing in the morning activity was staggering to the bathroom shaving showering pulling on crumpled civies and then rushing down stairs to his car and picking up a quickie donut and coffee on the way to the base.
Teal'c answered."Your behaviour at the Jaffa Women's Midsummer festival and the Tok'ra sponsored Alpha Site Boys can be Buddies male bonding cross-species ritual was offensive to many." "I dont remember" whimpered Jack guiltily. "Indeed?" asked Teal'c raising one eyebrow, "You do not remember turning down an opportunity to please several ADULT ladies singularly or in interesting combinations in favour of telling fairy tales while mildly intoxicated to a group of five years? Or your attempt to go swimming in the hot spring and play rubber duckies? Or your inadequacy in "courtship" rites? Or the condom balloons twisted into funny animals? And at the Tok'ra party you offended both Jacob Carter and Selmak asking Jacob how it felt to have a woman's memories of sex and your exact words admittedly after several beers were "Hey Jacob wassat like knowin' howsa doin't girlie style?" And then you invited Malek to a contest to compare the size of a certain organ as a form of male bonding. And finally you threw up on Egeria's memorial stele." Teal'c looked down on Jack and boomed at him, "It is the considered opinion of General Hammond Doctor Warren and several other experts you are in urgent need of therapy. AGAIN!!!" Jack wilted and closed his eyes. "Pretending to go to sleep will be useless O'Neill," stated Teal'c, "Jonas prepare the ritual bath and potions of purification!" Jonas smiled eagerly as Jack groaned.
Jack was so NOT enjoying his bath even though Tealc had unbound his hands. Tealc had topped it with some kind of girlie essential oils allegedly to calm his spirit. Fortunately he had left the room after wrapping O'Neill to damp towels to help Jonas do something. Sleathily Jack managed to raise himself out of the bath and hop back to the bedroom despite his bound ankles. Jonas and Tealc had gone downstairs to cook up some kind of herbal potion which Jonas had cheerly described as having vitamins and minerals and trytophan and lots of good stuff in it! Oddly interesting odors were waffing up the stairway. Jack sniffed ... was that an illegal substance he could smell? Surely Jonas couldn't know about that ... Nyah. He shuffled over to the phone and speed dialed Sam's home number. "Hi Sam if I'm not interrupting anything important could you come over to my place and untie me! I'll explain later! Make it fast!" Sam's reply sounded oddly snarly and not fully respectful. "Actually Sir you are interrupting something! AGAIN!" Jack could hear a male voice laughing in the background. "It's my day off and I"m cooking up something special! for a special friend! ... and sir I know what's happened and NOOO I will not come over and rescue you!" "But Saaam they're planing to do strangely perverse things to me and calling it therapy. Jonas said he's going to give me a soothing sensual massage followed by (shudder) sensitivity training! Sam please ..." he begged. Sam sounded like she was smiling. "Sir what do you think Jonas spent six months doing that endeared him to the staff when he wasnt allowed off base at first? Have fun he's good at it! Now I must get back to my special honey mixture. A parcel arrived at my door containing Gytha Ogg's Joy of Snacks. We're trying her Special Honey Mixture and the Pudding with the Special Chocolate Sauce!" She giggled and slammed the phone down just as Jack felt a large Jaffa hand clamp down on his shoulder. Tealc pushed him face down to the bed with that hand and used the other to unplug the phone. "O'Neill I think it is time for your massage!" Jonas smiled eagerly. Jack shuddered.
Jack was still NOT a happy camper despite Teal'c and Jonas' rigorous massage methods including deep tissue Turkish bath and shiatsu and aromatherapy. He lay on the bed grimacing at them. Jonas was very disappointed. "I just dont understand it Teal'c usually by now I have people sobbing their thanks and offering to do things for and with me. Why back at home they joked that if our enemies had been less puritianical and had less body hangups my "diplomatic touch" might have ended the war. As it was I persuaded them several times to return to the negiotation tables but apparently someone's spouse got jealous and..." "Enough of Kewlonian politics!" boomed Tealc,"Perhaps we should now try the videos!" Jack looked relieved. Very Briefly. Until Jacob's smiling to the point of devious and ominous smirking face appeared on the screen. "Well Jack I and Selmak are going to present a video on Tokra sexual techniques seeing as you were so curious about the advantages of having the memories of all genders." Jacob's eyes and voice shifted as Selmak whose previous host had been a VERY experienced older woman emerged. "and considering what you did and did not do I hope you have a sense of irony! Human Tok'ra and Jaffa volunteers please step forward." Who ever was holding the video camera moved back to show a mixed group of female Jaffa and Tok'ra and several human females Jacl knew from various planets including... Jack shuddered ... nearly every missed dating and relationship opportunity he turned down in the name of duty over the last few years! This was going to be rough and cruel. Jacob's face returned to the screen. "I hope you find this educational and ironic O'Neill! But first a word from one of your friends." Maybourne stepped in front of the camera smiling very broadly. "Hi Jack! Thanks for introducing me to these wonderful ladies. Jacob asked me to help him share some special techniques with you. They're just great! You'll love to learn them! Okay first off improved ..." Jack whimpered.
Several hours later Jack was EVEN less relaxed. To Jonas' disappointment Jack was a quivering nervous wreck. Though possibly Jonas' activities with the geometry kit may have contributed to that. The scary things he could do with a compass and protractor ... measuring responses ... finally Tealc made him put it away to Jack's great but non sexual and also sensual relief. But Jack still had the image painfully engraved in his memory of Jonas looking terribly serious while holding certain sharp objects and saying, "No Colonel I'm just measuring the angle of extension. Strange how it increases whenever there's a blonde with short hair onscreen?" It was truly terrifying how Jonas could look deviously intelligent and yet so innocent and unworldly at the same time.They had then left him alone to meditate. Jack could hear Jonas downstairs on the phone yakking to some nurse he fancied. Tealc was in the kitchen doing things to food that most people would not consider to be cooking. But apparently the various herbal potions and strange Chulakians stews were all a very UN delicious and tastLESS part of Jaffa male initiation rituals. Jack tugged at his bonds hoping sweat had loosened them. Tealc and Jonas had stated the next activity would be several hours of them reading from the beginners' sections of the Kama Sutra, follwed by a show and tell from Japanese pillow books and a reading of certain Jaffa and Kewllonian erotica. Just then he felt a breeze touch his naked torso. A particular spine tingling electric touch of some thing Otherworldly and Ascended. "Daniel is that you? Help!" Daniel made his ascended form visible and he was still wearing that white jumper that Jack envied! "Daniel do you know what they're doing to me! Help! Call Thor! Call Oma! Call anyone but get me out of here! Please? I'll read that book on Zen koans you recommended?" pleaded Jack desperately." Daniel smiled. "Oh NO Jack this will be good for you. I'm here to watch..." and faded out again. "Pervert!" growled Jack wondering how long Daniel had been lurking there?
The next morning - Jack was lying on the bed - quietly sobbing in fear. Jonas was downstairs quietly sobbing into the phone to some one about what an impossible challenge Jack was and how he'd failed. And Teal'c was also sobbing but loudly cos Jack during a breifly unbound moment had managed to damage Teal'c's only copy of a certain classic Jaffa sacred text. Jack was fearfully imagining what might come next. More show and tell in Jonas' earnest tones? More Videos? Or worse live demonstrations? He shuddered. A certain SFX appeared - "THOR! Old Buddy!! Save me! Teal'c and Jonas have gone mad! Get me out of here." Thor held up an object."Actually I came to take photos." "THOR!!! you bastard this is cos I tried to take you fishing and you got sunburnt and bug bitten??? Right? Look I promise NEVER again to invite you to go fishing! and I'll burn the negatives of you drunk in the reefer smoking alien T-shirt! Alright? PLEEEZ get me out of here! Pleez? I'll buy you donuts and chocolate!" pleaded Jack desperately? "oh alright then!" said Thor. "But you have to come fishing and clubbing with me Asgard style!" "anything anything !!!" begged Jack, "JUST GET AWAY ME FROM JONAS!!!" "Done but you'll owe me chocolate forever!" Editor's note - chocolate is addictive for Asgard. Hey you knew there had to be some other reason they put up with us low tech primitives!?
Postscript - Jack and Thor were found three days later on an alien planet which contacted SGC after Jack and Thor accidentally started a city wide riot that started as a bar fight that started as Jack and Thor trying to hit on the same blonde who unfortunately turned out to be a hermaphrodite and ... well we'll leave it there!
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