STARGROPE - The Third Misadventure! - Spammed!

Spammed! featuring JonaHexed and Multiple Spamelas!!!

This file contains an affectionate parody of SG1.

Read it and weep or laugh! For those who have to have the obvious spelt out to them:
"IT'S MEANT TO BE SILLY!".
This is not meant to read as an example of Serious script writing! No breach of copyright is intended! Okay?

Yes there's double entendre and adult puns but erotic not slash! Basically you can rate it : - "Children will not get some of the jokes" Definitely NOT Triple XXX, possibly a tame and timid R?

No disrespect is meant to the characters or their actors. Rather we hope if any of the pro writers / actors, or crew, are lurking that you'll read onwards and laugh or at least smile with us or at us?

Our cast of characters

New Kid in the Grope ....overdue to be whumped ... has shown interest in Spam and we all know what that means (ominous drum roll SFX)

Large chocolate covered with a soft caramel centre alien hunk. Please don't ask him about his former employer - Ah love sepia and gold makeup - Asepia or Asep for short, and special services!

The poor sod who's caretaker for this lot! Pity the man who has to fill in paperwork authorizing post-traumatic therapy for alien lovetoys!

Medic extra-ordinary who's having the time of her life. Of course she cares about her job! Possibly cos she figures sooner or later one of Stargrope Command is bound to dob them into the media and she'll either make millions from her memoirs or get the first Harvard or Caltech Chair of Xenobiology!

The Misadventure Begins!

Opening Scene:
The usual big round metallic thang has that really pretty shiny SFX spoiled by members of SG! stumbling through it! They are in a large underground laboratory full of lighting cliches like ominous shadows falling onto large mysterious alien machinery. Oh dear more discarded Ancient Junk bound to have strange side effects!

Spam and JonaHexed skip over towards the machinery. OsNarl raises his gun and fixs the sights on Jonah who had paused to give Spam his best "I'm an eager lil' orphan just like Danny! Be my Friend!" look. Tallawk tastefully strode in front of the gun sights and stated "Should we not be exploring manfully OsNarl?" "HUH exploring oh yeah explore yes grumph mumble grumph" "Are your knees hurting again?" asked Tallawk " "Knees ... oh my KNEES!" OsNarl squinted and smiled - a sign of deep thought. He limped and staggered and wobbled "Oh Spam oh my knees the ligament went again ! I need TLC!!!" He then fell over swinging his rifle outwards oddly in line with JonaHexed's legs but JonaHexed's uncanny probablity manipulation power cut in to protect him and the gun knocked Spam off balance instead so that she fell and hit a button next to a sign that clearly read ... well in an exotic obscure dialect derived from ancient Atlantean ..."Danger! This is NOT a Toy! This is a therapy device For consenting adult use with real adult Supervision ONLY!!!" Well that's what the soon to be REcycled Deity would have read had he been there b u u u T what's an SG story without a wierd and whacky alien device!!!

As JonaHexed struggled to fake decipering the inscription the machine begun to hum and glow particularly over the scanning pad Spam had fallen onto ... just as JonaHexed blurted, "OOO! Something useful I think this is some kind of therapy or medical device - it says scan your inner self! " and at that moment the usual energy beam struck out and Spam dissolved into a sparkly SFX to be resolved a moment later on the other side of the machine.
"Spam are you okay!" yelled the guys in unison! "We're just fine Sir and we found the manual!" "WE?" they collectively thought,JonaHexed looking earnestly confused, Tallawk looking like Junior was giving him indigestion, and OsNarl manfully raising his eyebrows.

Some time later back at Star Grope Central
"Well Lasher why do we have Four Spams!" Asked Genial Amund With Majestic Dignity and Auctoritas Texanus. Lasher responded "IF JonaHexed's initial translation of the manual fortunately printed on a almost imperishable material and left on a desk nearby - woo whatta a plot device !!! was correct (pauses to glare at JonaHexed who is reading Daniel's copy of Nostratic for Dummies) this device creates temporary duplicates allowing people to resolve and act out psychic tensions and other stress - so for the next 48 hours or more we have four Spams. Each with a different personality!

Science Spam just wants to spend all her time in the lab
"Can I go now ? I just had a brilliant idea for solving GUT theory! Please can I go NOW! and send extra white boards to my lab! ASAP! Can I go now?"
Girly Spam is kind and gentle and nurturing and wants to go home and talk to her plants and make us all cookies and cake.
"TEEheheheh I wanna cook and bake and go shopping and you can call me Spamela Heeheeetee!" the others shuddered in unison for the last person to use Spam's full first name had meet a dreadful fate too terrible to be described.
Sexy er Sensual Spam wants to go and party and get your hands off that orderly!
"Okay I'll flirt with lieutants instead - oh six years of non dating to catch up on! And all these sexy dudes around here like I have so much catching up to do. Anyone seen McKahayhay? Um JonaHexed has anyone offered to iniate you into the local courtship rituals yet?"
Tallawk drags JonaHexed away before he can say anything that will lead to a terrible fate worse than the one he already has.
"Leftover or Snarky Spam seems to be a mixture of Spams feminist values plus Jolly nearer to your heart former Twoupya member and Russhalala her host and six years of repressed aggression."
"Can I get out of here ? Like this is so boring! I wanna go look up protocol loopholes and see if I can claim temporary insanity if I tell everyone what I really think of them! and another thing why havnt we tried to liberate the oppressed Queens of the Tok'ra from compulsory breeding and why did we never get Daniel to translate a few basic subversive political texts and chuck them thru the gate? and another thing who stole my feminist Sf novels and ... "
"SO this means trouble right?" sighed Amund.

Some more time later. The living room of Spam's house. It is filled with cooking odors. Tallawk is standing near the counter stuffing his face with with freshly cooked cake. Lasher to OsNarl "I'm still amazed Amund let us take the four Spams home!" OsNarl growled "Sexy and Snarky were having too much fun ... distracting people." Lasher oh so sweetly and testingly commented "... and some people seemed to have welcomed the distraction? Those poor technical sergeants just couldnt get any work done with Sexy "helping" them with their "tools" MMM?" OsNarl gives her one of those I am part rabid lupine stone cold killer looks.

Enter JonaHexed ... wearing makeup and smiling "I've been helping the girls play - they tested out their new makeup on me! I learnt lotsa about Terran social customs. Girly told me why lipstick is just as effective as chaffstick and Sexy tinted my eyebrows and Snarky ... well she ordered me to come downstairs while they were trying on nightwear and packing a sleep over bag for Science (who has refused to leave the base and is currently covering the whiteboard and walls and every scrap of paper in her lab with annotations for GUT theory in a manic caffeine fuelled creative frenzy)". OsNarl gives JonaHexed one of those looks. Tallawk wanders over and mercifully for JonaHexed inserts cake into OsNarls mouth. Just then Girly skips down the stairs and announces "OH Kernel Sexy and Snarky want to go out and club!" "Absolutely NOT" snaps OsNarl spitting out cake. JonaHexed's Strange Unofficial Probablity power emerges and OsNarl then promptly trips over the latest version of Schrodinger the Cat - currently a Somali whose descendant would be called Spot and knocks himself out! Sexy and Snarky dressed for clubbing - tight black leather pants slinky hot red tops no bras a ton of makeup - rush down the stairs and out the doors - a moment later the sound of a motorbike revving up can be heard. Girly to no one in particular "Oh dear Kernel you better go catch them before they have too much fun! I'll stay here and commune with my plants and finish cooking and oh take JonaHexed and Tallawk! TeeHeehehee!

Another moment later after Lasher Tallawk JonaHexed and OsNarl have left - Girly is apparently talking to herself in the living room "TeeHeeHee now I can REALLY get in touch with my feminine side with some very spiritual communion - oh yes!!! hORnlyLIghtoN you can come up from the basement now!"
What you didnt think Spam might repair you know what and stay in contact with the other sexy SFX deity? Like sex without any mess? "Cosmic communion" without needing contrapection?

Back in the lab. No its empty! Where's Science Spam? Oh dear in the cafeteria celebrating her completion of Grand Unification Theory with various lieutants and majors and ... we'll let them escape off duty to the same night club the other Spams are heading for !!! A lot more time later after OsNarl and Tallawk and JonaHexed have visited nearly every night club in the city.

"Hic there's stirll won morrrsh" burbled JonaHexed. OsNarl "mutter grumble grwl. Where's whattas name! Big tall darkish?" JonaHexed "Oh we lost him er mmm er fourish clubs ago! Dancthingy with some super model thingy!" The two proceed to the next club and have no trouble gaining entry. Would you argue with OsNarl? Besides an awning mysteriously fell down on the doorman after JonaHexed stared at it thoughtfully! Also by the time they reached the door they were relatively sober. They'd stopped on the way at a chain coffee shop for very black almost "Klatchian" coffee!

Once inside JonaHexed started burbling innocently, "I think we have the right club! Look there's a Spam dancing six feet off the floor being levitated by an SFX deity! and another Spam and another! Gosh they'll all here having a great time! and Gosh look here are all our friends and co-workers! Hi! everyone! Can we join you?" OsNarl is turning a interesting color probably a shade of green. Fortunately at that moment Genial Amund bursts in thru the door and takes command of the sound system, "Attention all SG! staff members and associates. If every one starts back to the base right now I'll see to it that this entire day generates no extra paperwork or embarassing reports! Last person back has to help erase the files!" What a magnificent threat doing paperwork is - the consequential stampede out the door to the car park was unsightly so we'll spare the details. Let's just say JonaHexed got trampled in the rush but fortunately he likes playing with computers!

a day or so later - the four Spams have been rounded up and forcefully returned to the scanning pad of a certain pile of ancient junk. Science Spam is saying "Wow we're going ot have such fun fixing this machine! We can play with tools and technicians!" Girly Spam is saying" Drat! No more clingy feminine sexy knit versions of twinsets with pearls cos the skirts a mini and the top's really clingy!" Sexy Spam is silent cos she's doing busily giving various people a nudge nudge wink routine of mixed facial and body languages signals just wait for the next adventure folks and Snarky Spam is screaming "I didnt payback for what happened to Marshmallow and Langpashon and Nearer to my Heart MMM!!!"

The usual SFX - and Spams converge again! (after being forcibly dragged onto the pad) One Spam steps off smiling faintly as if weary. "Oh General after debriefing and my compulsory psych exam can I go home and get some sleep?" "Of course Major REactor!" smiling the Genial relieved he can get back to his desk and stop having to chase SG! members across the Galaxy. Spam smiles with a strange knowing look of anticipation in her eyes.
The Reactor residence later that night - a strange flash of light fills the house and a stranger scream of gleeful pleasure "Yes !!! Yes!! Yes! hORnlyLIghtoN! Way to Go!"

That's all folks!!!

THE END

I do hope some of you found this lighter piece of silliness amusing ?

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