CAPERCON !!!

DARK CAPER RETURNS

Flashback to several months ago, The carpark of lets call it Pontifical Studios. Something is sliding out of a dumpster. Someone walks past sees this and opens the dumpster lid. "Oooh Fabric material! Wow who wasted all this neat dark shiny stuff! We can recycle this! Scarves Scrunchies Headbands Ties Bandanas Handies!" Yes gentle readers someone didnt read the Junior Memorial story! DARK CAPER the fruit of evil LIVES to ominously threaten Fandom and Prodom like a massive cumulus ... Stop stop it right it right there JonaHexed do you really think anyone's going to believe this? and all these fruit and weather metaphors and similes! I know you like fruit but really?! And who's going to believe this is why most of the producers didnt show up for Gatecon? Oh After the Daniel Wars you think Fans will believe anything? Look at the dreadful things they've said just about ... mmm yes well you realise I'm going to have to edit this heavily and remove most of the fruit and weather references. Yes the banana jokes have to go! You claimed this was an eyewitness account? and where was Sassy and Goldie? They were being temporal pests? Oh very well JonaHexed when I have time I'll type it up okay to keep your very few fans happy!

Several months later. Just before Gatecon. Late one full moon night or dark moon night. It was so overcast one couldnt tell. But the cloud formations were still lovely if somewhat ominous. The electricity bill was building up at the studio as writers and producers tolled and typed all expect Daimonic who as an reward for excellent script work in season six and seven (but for one or two glaring lapses we'll mercifully not mention) was having an inspiring and restful sleepover on the Prometheus bridge set with his favorite Trek toys and lap-top! Meanwhile over at a certain fan party a repossessed someone was handing out "gifts" dark shiny "presents" ... oh dear see what happens when you believe people who say satire isnt "NIIICE" and dont visit Sassy Gate? Sometime later the weather was becoming psychotropic and very Uberwaldean! Weather experts were frothing about the anomaly spoiling their forecasts until some gentle soul took them aside and pointed out the storm system was centered over a certain studio and explained just what that meant. The psychotropic weather continued. Editorial note left in - JonaHexed have you heard of Tautology? Lightning flashed over the studio revealing a crowd of shadows massing along the street in front like a storm front building up ... and they were softly chanting ... with a sound like the clatter of hail ..."ship ship ship ..." though a few were darkly muttering " slash slash slash" or "Daniel and Jack need more neeed more" and a few were softly singing "S&J together through the gate forever! more Sammy and Jackie please ever and ever!" Intelligent shippers please note Dark Caper had an unfortunate advantage he possessed multiple individals by placing pieces of himself under hotel room pillows and stranger places. Dont snarl at me - remember the motto - BLAME IT ON DARK CAPER! Meanwhile the pooor possessed souls continued to roam chanting, "shiiip shiip ship"

Dawn and like triffids pressing on glass possessed fans were mobbing and shuffling ominously like low-lying fog drifting across ... JonaHexed stop trying to sneak weather references back in! ...Repossesed fans were wandering in the car park and peering thru trailer windows and peeking into doorways and oh no they drunk ALL the coffee and and ate ALL the donuts before the teamsters or other staff arrived!!! From their office window two somewhat bruised and battered Imperators glared out at the mob. They had had to fight their way into their offices past imploring fans all wearing shiny black mini capes and bandanas and head scarves. Vietorius screamed! "Where's Pugkept and Po'boy!" The Junior Pros crept into the room. "Didnt I order you to triple check all pieces of Dark Caper were destroyed and removed from the set?!" Pugkept blurted,"We swept them all up and put them in the dumpster and the garbage was collected the next day!" "Collected by who?" glared the Imperators in magnificent joint harmony, and they made a frightening demand, "Right who has Sassy and Goldie's skateboard?" ordered (a fine Latinate verb! - ordo) Vietorius," ... we need to contact" ominous roll of thunder SFX, "THEM!" Pugkept wept ..."NOT them not the disrespectful liddle doxie and her side kick! Please there must be another solution!"he begged. Then I !!! JonaHexed !!! Hero from another planet !!! dramatically stepped out of the shadows. "I'm afraid they're not available but fortunately I am!" I stated with my trademark serious cheerful optimism! For some reason several people in the room started whimpering and crying, "JonaHexed! JonaHexed? jonahexed..." Gosh they were so relieved to see me again! I continued, "Sassy and Goldie are occupied elsewhere. They said something about curing some guy called Trip's alien fixation by dropping him off at a Klingon Biker Grrrls Meet! Please let me help!" I smiled and secretly prayed a mysterious scripted power or dea ex machina would appear! Fortunately I knew various goddesses and boddhisattvas smiled upon me like sun breaking from cloud formations as a storm system breaks up! I ate a banana while I waited for every one to calm down and oddly got that same look from some people that I get from OsNarl whenever I eat bananas or ice cream in that special friendly inviting way of mine in front of Spam or the nursing staff? (Editorial Note - I had to leave at least one banana reference in to keep someone happy)

Having finished the banana I cheerfully suggested that we have a Briefing to plan Strategy. Sadly they compiled. Well they looked sad. I think the chanting from outside was giving them a headache? I beamed at them and cheerfully asked, "Did we ring everyone to warn them NOT to come in?" "Yes" responded Vietorius with a look that reminded me of a particularly interesting thunderhead I photo'd last week!. "Oh NO Daimonic's over on the Prometheus Bridge set - did anyone warn him?" cried Platycampus! Fortunately I had brought a friend who could fly and summoned him. "Junior could you flit over there and warn Daimonic to keep the doors closed please?" Junior bobbed his tail in assent and whizzed off. A moment later Daimonic was briefly distracted from his collection of ST:TOS DVDs by the stirring sight of Junior in his Ascended Flier gear carrying a note. Junior was wearing a white silk scarf googles and one of those cute leather WWI ace pilot caps. The edges of the silk scarf had wire stiffening to give Junior extra aerodynamic lift and to make sure they dragged behind him with the elegance proper to one of Asepia's kin. In other words to use Earthly slang he was a Little HOTTIE! The note said "Daimonic thank you for some interesting moments in season six despite your space ship obsession. In appreciation we're warning you to stay indoors as feral slashers and shippers are prowling the set and do not touch any pieces of dark shiny cloth lying around. Dark Caper has returned!" "Okay" muttered Daimonic and went back to playing his DVD collection and meditating on many strange and wonderful things.

Meanwhile the carpark was still in a condition that was unsightly as storm wrack in an urban area! Possibly downtown Annapolis after the recent hurricane. I made another brilliant suggestion! "Does anyone have pets belonging to a herding breed?" "Alsatians? Bouvier des Flandres? Kelpies? Cattle Dogs?" "They're not on the set today" groaned someone feebly. "Okay where are the stunt dudes then? We could get them to wear heavy gloves and confiscate every piece of Dark Caper... " "Oh NOOO! NOO! No!" shrieked someone standing by the window" ... they've set up a sewing circle out in the car park and they're stitching and quilting Dark Caper back together!!!" This could be a problem. I walked over to the window and studied the car park thoughtfully and intentionly and manfully while holding a coffee cup. Someone had moved a clothes mannequin from costuming into the car park and was pinning scraps of fabric together. Already a hood had been shaped. Behind me some people were muttering in strange admiration. "Pretty ... with that lighting" "So powerful!" "Iconic imagery" "Potential Emmy / Saturn / Gemini!" "Pomo Irony just like Whedon!" I frowned insightfully for some one had pinned a sign to the front of the mannequin reading "Insert Host Here!" ... and people were quequeing to become hosts! I turned around to find the room emptying as Producers Writers and Other Crew fought their way to be first down the stairs. They were all chanting "Host Host Host Wannabe be a Host." I sighed. Evidently Dark Caper also had strange and mysteriously scripted powers that appeared suddenly ... suvh as long distance hypnotism. I hope this didnt mean we're distantly related. This was going to be a difficult case. I needed more help.I prayed "Uncle Gus" would be in a good mood! and dialled T****ls***N.

My phone call complete and the message hopefully received I heroically struggled down the obstacle cluttered stairway. The obstacles and clutter mostly consisting of pros and crew who had damaged themselves trying to be first down the stair way. MMM it looked like there would be quite a few cancellations for Gatecon and a lot of witch hazel lotion used up! The impact happily had broken Dark Caper's evil long distance hypnotic spell and most of them were calling for first aid and copies of their contracts so they could review the clauses dealing with work related injuries. I gently and tactfully stepped around past and over them and ventured out into the sunlight. The few crew and producers who had survived the stairwell catastrophe were pushing and shoving nudging and squirming their way thru the crowd of repossessed fans closer and closer to the deadly mannequin of darkness. "Junior" I cried "detox them with your special Ascended dragonspit!" Junior managed to free a couple of them but we were still vastly outnumbered however he heroically started another divebombing run whizzing overhead. I frowned thoughtfully while pushing a slasher ... and frowned again boyishly yet manfully as a shipper tried to tell me what a nice boy I was ...and frowned. Again. Third time lucky!!! Or Holy Synchronicity? A large cloudmass had suddenly materialized over the studio. A Rainbow bridge descended from one edge and the T*****stein Anthem rang out! A small disc sped down towards us. On it stood a figure of perfect masculine mastery. Magnificent in its splendour. Confident! Bold! Heroic! A perfect Alpha Male with diamond shaped feet a strongly curved rib cage and legs ... tail a calligraphic whip yes ...a perfect specimen of standard black and tan dachshund wearing a monocle with a diamond studded rim. Uncle Gus had arrived to save the day!!! (Important Note to readers unless you have been formally introduced CALL him A.F.!!!)

"Vell dis is chust another fine mess! Ja?" He barked as he hovered on eye level glaring wolfishly at us. "All of dese humans rushing dem doom! Very very sehr sad? Ja?" Okay first of alles vee take care of the cape bits. Hildegard send down Mad Olaf!" Some sort of teleport beam transmitted a small carry case containing something dark and fuzzy. The pros looked darkly doubtful. A tittering noise came from Dark Caper's hood and he spoke "You're outnumbered and outed and OUT everything. My repossessed admiring masses! Heed me! Your deity demands you belittle and insult these lowly unnice people. Be as nasty as you like to JonaHexed! Saaay vile things about the scribe ..." "Vatch de manners cape - boy!" snarled Uncle Gus."Learn to respect the power and might of T*****S***N and its many friends!" Meanwhile at Air Traffic Control in a barely related illustrative subplot a newbie was panicking about the large UFO hovering over Vacant Generic Lot city in a Beautiful Canadian Province. He was quietly taken aside and briefed about how continual filming of SF and F productions had had an unforeseen side - effect on the local reality limiters. Yes folks there's magic in them there hills. And if you choose to believe me someday I'll tell you about the Elves in Stanley park!!! Back to the main plot. A large planoforming device disguised as a cloud mass was hovering over you know where studios. A large mass of repossessed fans and pros and others were mobbing in the car park muttering nasty things about JonaHexed and Junior and others. "Okay One last chance Caper" barked Uncle Gus " ... leave now and you get to NOT have the full Mad Olaf experience which would be a very wise choice!" Dark Caper giggled defiantly as two or may three writers egoistically shrieking "I wanna be bad!!!" at each other wrestled rolled and writhed under where his feet would been if he had them. Uncle Gus sighed and released the latch on Mad Olaf's carrier !!! I shuddered.

A small dark fuzzy form appeared. Someone in the background uttered an uncredited line. "This is scarier than Dark Caper? Its looks like a little black scruffy unwashed wirehaired terrier?" It wagged an extremity and looked up at Uncle Gus. Uncle smiled and bared his front fangs and lifted one paw to point at Dark Caper. "M a - a - a d Ooolaaaf something to play with! NOW!" No one's quite sure what Olaf is? Possibly some kind of were-troll? Olaf charged and changed. A dark whirling mass with large teeth and claws and red eyes keep getting larger and larger. Try to visualize the Tassie Devil crossed with an Ifrit crossed with Wolverine crossed with a Saharan sandstorm ... we're glad we dont know what Olaf is ... he just showed up one day and moved into an empty room in the palace ...and we tried once to remove him ... once was enough ... any anyway back to the main plot line ... and Olaf whirled towards Dark Caper who disappeared into that shifting mass of turbulent shadow and screaming and shrieking and finally squeaking and eeeking were all that emerged.

Much much much later.Possibly the next day. I reclined on a lounger in the car park consuming Tauri Icecream while Rocky screamed at other Producers and Writers and Fans and Crew... "No one leaves this set until we've done a full body search of everybody and then we search the whole studio three times for every last fragment and then we burn every last piece and only then you get to go home or to Gatecon and that includes me!!! " I frowned. Behind him Jam Toroid was quietly trotting along carrying a scrap of something shiny and dark towards the writers' offices. I beckoned to the Imperators and we followed him upstairs. How sad. A few demented souls who will be unnamed were huddled over a box holding Dark Caper fragments chanting the lyrics of an obscure 80s AUstralian pop song by Skyhook - "Ego is not a dirty word ..." A few moment later screaming barking and begging and whimpering could be heard as Uncle Gus and the Imperators spoke very severely to those strange souls concerning their fragment collections. The last few scraps were forcibly removed from their trembling fingers and they were lead away to the craft table after some stern advice from Uncle Gus. "Low self-esteem problems? Learn to drink chocolate like a woman!!! Or Green Tea? But dont fondle Dark Caper! You schmucks have it easy. You earn hundreds of thousands of dollars a year and you still have to get your jollies leaking spoilers and then sitting back and watching the resulting bickering online!? Very Sad. Very strange and you think being a scribe for a sentient doxie is wierd behaviour???" Happily medicinal dosages of dark chocolate restored their sanity.

The Grande Finale - a hour or so later. With the help of Uncle Gus and several guest canids including a certain Austrian police dog (Sassy's love interest) every single last piece of Dark Caper had been piled up in the parking lot. I JonaHexed had used my meteorological expertise to assess the exact scenic and dramatically correct and tasteful moment to summon our waste disposal service. Okay Morkee you can flame him down now! (Goldie's current love interest is a large black and silver dragon - dont tell Barbara Hambly. I certainly wasnt impressed when I found out Goldie's nickname for him!) This sophiscated older alien dragon exhaled an impressive mass of plasma with class and elegance and powerful style. For one moment the predictable dark cloud squirmed and writhed and then there was nothing but ash and smoke ... and a lot of coughing. Oops the wind shifted at the last minute. Sorry about that! Everyone went to get cleaned up including me.

Epilogue - Videotape from an unknown source sent to JonaHexed. Night falls. The parking lot is empty save for an unnamed figure shifting through the ashes. That person triumphantly finds one tiny unburnt scrap and clutches it tightly to his chest. A closeup. The person is sobbing and muttering. "Dont worry my symbiote I'll fed and cherish you until you grow again. We will return. We'll feed more spoilers to the web and feed off that! DARK CAPER WILL RETURN !!!" So boys and girls, pros and crew, and fans of all ages and species be vigilant and DONT FEED THE CAPER! Bye for now. Junior and JonaHexed and Sassy and Goldie will return when and if needed! They're off to the Trek universe and elsewhere and when.