A picture of what Mike's roommate might look like.
In college one anticipates on meeting many new people, and experiencing many ideas never before considered. In college, you will meet people who are both more liberal and more conservative than yourself, unless, you are indeed at either extreme. In college, the odd becomes an everyday experience. A guy down the hall from you may author books on the many things to do with clubbed seals. A guy in one of you classes might have a compulsive bad habit of tying other’s shoes when they come undone. However, one rarely expects to encounter, or cohabitate with, 80’s MAN.
The 80’s MAN, some call him my roommate Tim, is the epitome of all that is that lost decade between the 70’s and 90’s. He owns a Care Bears lamp, a Masters of the Universe pillow, and a matching Mr. T bobbly head doll and screen saver. On his wall he has a Rocky Horror Picture Show calendar, makes his own bell-bottoms, and his music collection includes such famous artists as David Bowie, Elton John, Tom Petty, and Electric Light Orchestra. He commonly uses the words "rad", "bogus", and "gnarly". Admittedly, not all of these things directly indicate 80’s. Some of you may be saying, I have a Rocky Horror Picture Show Calendar, and I am most definitely not the 80’s MAN. Others may be saying, Many of those things predate the 80’s, that stupid bastard has no clue what he is talking about. Although these ideas may be true, the 80’s man has absolutely no contact with the 90’s at all. He has only ever heard one Nirvana song. He has never seen American Beauty, The Shawshank Redemption, or an episode of Beavis and Butthead. He had no idea that baseball had a strike. He didn’t know Milli and Vanilli broke up because they were lipsinking, and he has never heard of the show called South Park. These could all be very interesting coincidences. BUT PROBABLY NOT!!!
It is my theory that 80’s MAN, (Male Avoiding the Nineties), was locked in a time vault sometime in 1989 by the government. This was done partially to see what would happen if a person missed a decade all together. The other reason this was done was because some idiot accidentally shut the door on some random person touring the building at the time. The time vault maintained his present age by slowing accelerating him to the speed of light, thereby slowing relative time and the aging process. Don’t ask me how they did this without having him go anywhere, I don’t work for the government. In fact, I hate those bastards. Anyway, he was released inadvertently on New Year’s Eve 1999, the day when the millennium virus affected only a single computer, the one controlling the lock on the door to the time vault. It is rumored that the first words uttered when he was released were, Bogus! I broke my slap bracelet! Now I have to go buy a new one!
As wild as this tale of lost time appears, the 80’s MAN was not the first to experience such an outrageous incident. Rip Van Winkle, Austin Powers, and Sylvester Stallone (in Demolition Man) all faced this same ordeal. Brenden Frasier went through it twice, once in Encino Man, once in Blast from the Past. Many don’t realize it, but these events occur all the time. It’s only a matter of time until you become trapped and lose a few years. My only advice for avoiding this is: Don’t be Brenden Frasier and stay out of time vaults. It’s the only way to remain safe. Oh yeah, and 80’s MAN rhymes with Lady’s Man. That’s why it sounds so familiar.
Mike, August 31, 2001