According to Alcoholics Anonymous Online, there are 12 questions to ask to determine if you are a teen alcoholic. I am paraphrasing:
(1) Do you drink to relax?
(2) Do you drink when you are angry?
(3) Do you drink alone?
(4) Is drinking affecting your grades or performance at work?
(5) Did you ever try to stop drinking and fail?
(6) Do you drink in the morning?
(7) Do you gulp your drinks?
(8) Do you have a loss of memory because of drinking?
(9) Do you lie about drinking?
(10) Do you get in trouble when drinking?
(11) Do you get drunk when you drink, even if you aren't trying?
Number (12) had this picture above it. It's John Travolta from Grease, for crying out loud. Travolta is not a negative stimulus, unless you count Battlefield Earth, in which case maybe he does make us not want to be like him. The question is: Do you think it's cool to be able to hold your liquor?
Now you ask, why am I telling you about AA policies? Why, because it's a debatable fact that my roommate is an alcoholic. Oh, yes. No, not the gay one, but a different one. We'll just refer to him as "Wendel." And, yes, it is rumored that he is an alcoholic. To bring up evidence, I will now tell you of all his drunken experiences as of late, as told mainly by Rocky. Then I will ask him the 12 questions and record the number he said yes to. Then I will give him the opportunity to defend himself, and finally let you vote on whether or not he is an alcoholic, so listen carefully.
First off, he was drinking on a weekday. Tuesday night, he did shots, meaning that he wanted to get messed up. Bicardi 151 for those of you who care. Along with Mike's Hard Lemonade, the official drink of our room. Seriously, it is, we have a picture framed with caps of Mike's Lemonade. 106 caps in minimum six weeks. Then, in a drunken rage he broke pencils and pens, ripped a Rolling Stone magazine in half, and stuck one of those little American flags in my ceiling. Its still there to this day. He also did a flamethrower thing with hairspray.
Next time he drank was Friday. Rocky would remember the drunken stuff Wendel did, but to be completely honest with you, he was a little trashed as well.
Again, on Saturday night, they went drinking. He was out drinking until 5 am. At 4 am his drunken antics began, when I awoke to him humping me. That was very unpleasant. He almost got cut up with the Equalizer... I thought he was a gay man.... He then went to the Bathroom with Rocky, Keehna, and Braller (pronounced like "brother" when you're really drunk) and started squirting hand cream all over. The ceiling, the faucets, everything. Then he brushed his teeth. I don't know why either. To avoid cottonmouth (or as he calls it a yeast infection in his mouth).
Then he entered his room where Josh was asleep and Rocky and Keehna were in bed. He started hitting EVERYTHING. Very violently. And swearing like a mother. After 5 minutes of this, he plopped down into bed, and the springs apparently squeaked very very loudly. Then Josh got pissed off, and told him to be quiet. Then Keehna started to cough, and Wendel "shh'd" her to get her to be quiet (after all, Josh was trying to sleep). The next morning, however, he had no hangover.
He got 4 yes's out of 12. You realize that that makes him qualify as someone with a drinking problem. Now I will allow him to retort.
For all that it matters, Dave doesn't think Wendel is an alcoholic. I personally don't care what Dave thinks. Do you?
He says that alcoholism runs in families, and he says there are no alcoholics in his family. He also says that the majority of Americans get a little drunk sometimes. And as long as it doesn't interfere with his life, there is no problem. And if you don't accept the fact, you are stupid.
Now, here's your chance to cast your ballot. I'm very proud of this ballot. Even though I basically stole the code from another site.
--Scuba Steve, December 4, 2000
--Thanks to Rocky, Wendel, and even Dave, for the one sentence that he contributed.