ASK SCUBA!

I finally did it. I finally took all the "Ask Scuba!"s I got and responded to them. It saves me the trouble of writing an article about something real. But keep sending ASK SCUBA! emails, and I will write another article of probably even higher quality than this. I love giving advice, because I do it so badly.

hey scoobs..........i like to sleep around....whats the chances i will get a STD......how about AIDS.....what does gential herpes look like......can you please research this for me....thanks

Lost in lust in PA

Well, if you like to sleep around, then chances are rather high that you will get an STD (actually, knowing who sent this, I guess its rather low, when you consider I won a bet about it). If your genitals start itching, its a good sign that you have caught something. Also, if it burns when you pee, you are pretty screwed. And any warts developing on your wang need to be looked at, though definately not by me.

Dear Scuba:

Why is your dick so small?? HAHAHA

fagot

love,
shinigami

WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY DICK!!!

Fagot.

dear studly scuba,
will my vagina kill me?
love,
frembot

It all depends on how you treat it. Many people forget that the golden rule, treat others as you wish to be treated, also applies to your genetalia. If you treat your vagina well, by, well, you know, fulfilling its desires, you can develop good rapport with your vagina. If you treat it badly, however, like piercing it or sticking things that don't belong in it, it may just swallow you whole one night while you are asleep.

Hi scuba steve, I have a question for you.
I'm in a real bind. I was stupid. I hurt my best friend. I didn't try to but I ended up fucking her over (not literally). I apoligized to her but she won't even take my phone calls or speak to me much. I think that she probably won't ever forgive me either. Are some things not forgivable?
sincerly,
Depressed Dorm Dweller

Far be it from me to tell you to ditch your friends, but ditch your friend. If you have apologized, and she just stops speaking to you, well then find someone else to speak to. She sounds like a real bitch anyway.

Or, you could hire a hypnotist, and hypnotize her into beign your friend. There is a documented (in the Weekly World News) story about a man who hypnotized a woman into marrying him, so hypnotizing someone to like you as a friend again would be EASY.

And the Insensitive Asshole of the Year Award goes to..... SCUBASTEVE!!!

dear scuba,
i've been told on several occasions that babies come from ask your father. i was just wondering if this is a soverign nation, or a south african village, or what?
-frembot

Umm...... Well....... Ask your father.

Actually, according to many feminist books that I haven't read and am just assuming the content about, babies are grown in a woman's special garden. Apparently the man plants the seed in her garden and it grows, in 9 months, into a little baby. Thats why little kids like to play in dirt, it reminds them of where they came from. When they are nearly ready to be harvested, they look a lot like cabbage. This is actually where they came up with the popular 80's toy, Cabbage Patch Kids.

Dear Scubs,
My virging (stress virgin), alcoholic (stress alcoholic) roommate nearly got some this past week. He was getting a little booty on the futon, IN FRONT OF ME, when the girl up and left. He later asked if the pain he had in his nuts was normal. What advice do you have for him?
Thanks,
Wondering about Blue Balls

"I will go in this way, and I'll find my own way out. I won't tell you to stay, but I'm coming to much more...Me." DMB

YOU JUST HAD TO FUCKING QUOTE DAVE MATTHEWS DIDN'T YOU ASSHOLE!!!

Blue balls are caused when a man's wang thinks it's about to get a chance to do that thing it does so well, and then doesn't get a chance to accomplish its goal. It is evident when your balls turn blue and have an immense pain. I don't know what to tell your friend. Either he needs to find a chick that can get the job done, or he has to cut his balls off. Give him that choice.

okay ASK SCUBA....
I recently got engaged to the man of my dreams, a man who I've known all my life and want to spend the rest of my life with. He has revealed a troubling secret to me...he's bi-sexual. Steve i love this man with all my heart...but i when i see him I can't help but think he will cheat on me? I know i shouldn't be so shallow and associate bi-sexuality with promiscutity, I can't help but think that this has cause a rift in our relationship that I can not get pass. Can someone who's bi-sexual promise to love honor and cherish me, if he has feels for anyone else but me? I really need you help steve!

Stay with him. When you're one day later in life on the Jerry Springer show and he tells you hes been cheating on you with another man, you can kick his ass, then after the show start going out with Steve, that huge bald bouncer guy. The two of you could be very happy together.

Send more, answering mail is much easier than actually writing.

--Scuba Steve, March 15, 2001