I hope they don't find a way to clone muppet!
If you were a super geek like I am, you would know from the title here what ths article is about. I, however, am guessing that you are not a supergeek, else you would be chatting with people on IRC or jerking off to porn, so I am going to inform you of something that, again, if you aren't a geek, you probably don't know. The rumored name of the next Star Wars movie is Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones.
This comes as quite a shock to me. Because it is so horrible. Now, I know that the title has to have 4 words in it, to follow the 3 word, 4 word, 4 word sequence established by the original trilogy (A New Hope, The Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi). Now, I assume there are about, oh, say, one million words in the English language. Now, applying my scant knowledge of determining statistics, that makes the following table true:
| 1,000,000 different possibilities for the first word | |
| x | 1,000,000 different possibilities for the second word |
| x | 1,000,000 different possibilities for the third word |
| x | 1,000,000 different possibilities for the fourth word |
| = | 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 possibilities total |
Which means that with that bottom number (it has no name so I'll refer to it as a Scubillion)... With one Scubillion possible combinations the geniuses at LucasArts came up with "Attack of the Clones"? It sounds liek a bad B movie from 1976. Any 4 word title could surpass that, including the following:
| George Lucas is God | (Egotistical Approach) |
| We Hate All Moviegoers | (Truthful Approach) |
| The Of At Sausage | (Drawing Words at Random from a Hat Approach) |
| Pay Us Eight Dollars | (Truthful Approach #2) |
| Anakin Fucks Amidala Repeatedly | (Porn Approach) |
| Jarring Jar-Jar's Jar | (Annoying Approach) |
| StarWars with a Vengeance! | (Die Hard Approach) |
Yes, if you think like me (No, don't worry, thats not an insult) you might have thought of the fact that not too many days ago, there was a news story about clones, that was big in the news. Some bullshit about France and Germany trying to ban cloning. Now, I won't majorly comment on clones right now, except to say that if ANYBODY should NOT be cloned, it is the French... ugh...
In the Star Wars mythology, however, cloning is actually not controversial. In fact, in Star Wars history, some time before A New Hope (or for those of you who don't know exactly what "A New Hope" is, the original Star Wars Movie) took place, before the rise of the Empire, there were clone wars. In fact there were rumors that many of the Stormtroopers (featured in the movies) were clones, which explains how the Empire could always get so damn many of them all the time.
Also, in one of the non-Lucas-made novels published later, clones play another prominent role. In fact, in one novel, Luke is cloned. Cleverly enough, they give the clone the name Luuke, so they can differentiate.
I say let them go on with the crapass clone storyline. It cannot possibly be as uninteresting as that stupid Jar-Jar guy. Maybe they could grow another Qui-Gon (the coolest character from the Phantom Menace). Hell, maybe they could grow Darth Maul's top half some new legs. I just hope they don't clone Jar-Jar.
The most interesting aspect here, as far as I can see right now, is the name of the porn. "Scuba, what the hell are you talking about?" is what you're saying right now. Well, it should be obvious. Every movie as big as Star Wars has at least one porno flick named after it. Porn Wars, Star Whores, the Phantom Menage... all these are excellent titles for porn movies based on Star Wars, and the new one will obviously be a hot commodity for a while at least, and thus, it needs a few porns named after it. "Attack of the Clones" doesn't seem to have too many veiled sexual references possible, but I have compiled a list:
In summation, the movie that all the geeks (me included) will be seeing next summer will be watching repeatedly will be called "Attack of the Clones." Unless you have very kinky friends, in which case it will be "Attack of the Cunts."
--Scuba Steve, August 9, 2001