Backstreet Boys Obviously Have Feelings Too

If you don't have some source that you can turn to for the most retarded news on the entire planet (besides here), I'm about to drop a bomb on not only you, but the whole way you percieve the world... This news is so important that you should tell everyone you know, even if you think they know it already, just to make sure. And you should tell people who already know, as often as possible, so you can be sure they don't forget. So here comes the news, but I warn you, if you are pregnant or have heart problems, do not read the next sentence. Backstreet Boy A.J. McLean is undergoing a 30 day treatment for depression.

I admit, I know how he feels. When you are a rich, famous celebrity, like a member of a boy band or a geeky webmaster, you get depressed easily. It has to do with fame... Ah fame. Signing autographs and singing/dancing all day is hard work, and the millions of dollars and love, nay, adoration of hundreds of beautiful women does little to repay you for singing songs other people write. You just start to feel like "Damn, I can get so much better than this... All I have is more money than Scuba will see in his entire life and the love of hundreds of thousands of members of the opposite sex.... Is that all my life amounts to?"

All the poor orphan children throughout the world are as happy as a fish in water!

Yes, it is obvious to those of us who know, that the life of a rock star is depressing. Much more depressing than, say, the life of a factory worker in a dead end job, a homeless person, or anyone who lives in a trailer park. When you are rich and famous, you can afford bigger houses, faster cars, and prostitutes that aren't as obvious. I guess you obviously also get depression that's twice as hard to deal with. Its astounding, you know, since everyone in the world is totally happy all the time, yet somehow a celebrity is the one who gets depressed. Thank God he's the only one.

To quote AJ:

When I get stressed out, I get really violent toward myself and just say, 'Screw the group! To hell with everything!' There have been times when I wake up like that and think I don't want to do this anymore.

To quote Drew Carey:

There's a club for that. It's called "everybody." We meet at the bar.

Anyway, because of his depression, the Baskstreet Boys cancelled a bunch of tour dates. "Because he is unable to be on tour at this time, we are postponing dates and will make them up as soon as we can. At the same time we trust that our fans -- who've always stood by us -- will understand this decision is absolutely necessary in order for AJ to be well." Well, they obviously can't get by with only 4 lead singers, after all, no group could do that. Except every group, everywhere. But, I would do the same thing in their position. AJ depressed = month long vacation.

I have come up with a partial list of things for AJ to be depressed about, using my mad brainstorming skills. Here goes:

• Being in the Backstreet Boys
• The gay rumors/truth
• Not having any talent
• Knowing that in 10 years he will be on VH1's "Where are they now" working as like a cook in a fast food joint
• His bands newest album, which was a failure because it only sold 5.1 million copies

"Yup, all I've really got is myself and my depression. Oh, and all of those houses, which are all filled completely with money."

Also, for the benefit of all my readers, I have a conversation which may or may not have taken place between AJ and one of his bandmates:

AJ: Man, I feel so depressed.
Howie: How the fuck do you think I feel? My name is Howie!
AJ: Damn, thats harsh. How do you get by?
Howie: Well, I usually let Nick stick his penis up my ass, and I feel better.
AJ: Nah, I tried that. Why do you think I'm not sitting down? Any other ideas?
Howie: Sometimes I like to roll around in a big pile of money, just because I can. Then I burn it.
Kevin: (Enters the room) Why don't you just let Nick stick his cock up your ass?

I have my own theories about this entire story, which I will use the rest of this article to tell you about, mainly because I can.

First off, I think this may be a ploy to make the Backstreet Boys appeal to depressed fans. Think about it, add the ending "...I feel so depressed, just like AJ McLean must. He and I are so alike." to any of these sentences:

• Oh my God, Becky, I can't go to the Backstreet Boys concert because I have to go to my father's funeral. I think he would understand if I missed it for the Backstreet Boys, but my mom says I cant...[insert ending]

• Oh my God, Diedre, My daddy wouldn't buy me that $300 halter top, because he says I already have one just like it. Hello! Burgundy is a different color completely than Maroon. Why can't my parents understand? [insert ending here]

• Oh my God, Stephanie, I covered all the walls of my room with very expensive Backstreet Boys posters and merchandise, but I ran out of room! What will I do if I don't have 20 different posters of them looking at me at night? How will I sleep? [insert ending here]

He's crying on the inside.

It's also possible that they could be trying to tap into the popularity of depressing early 90's rock stars and alternative songs that make you depressed just by hearing them. Many people (well, at least ME) still listen to music from 1992 almost exclusively, because they like their rock stars depressing, and what can be more depressing than depression? Or maybe he misread the memo.

The important point to be made here is that I do not believe that he is depressed. To do so he would have to be human, and boy band members are NOT human, they are mindless bodies sold to large corporations to dance and sing in a feeble bid to attract teenageers for customers/money. This is a ploy of some kind, obviously targetted at everyone, to get us to feel sorry and buy his album or something of that sort. I just haven't figured out EXACTLY what yet... Maybe their next album will be all whining about being depressed. Nah, Staind has the copyright on that.

--Scuba Steve, July 10, 2001