Great Scott!
Greetings net-dweller. I'd like to address a problem today that has been addressed on numerous websites that spawn intelligent conversation. In our modern day world, we've created for ourselves a technical megatropolis, one huge worldwide city. Technological advances have surpassed even scientists most wildest dreams (note: I don't give a fuck about grammar, I'll abuse it if I want to). We as a society are too fast paced and reliant on technology. No one seems to be able to solve this problem, and offer peace of mind to the millions who need it. No one, that is, except me.
I have a plan, a plan that cannot be disputed (except by science and logic, and they're not very important to me when I rant). We just need to all harken back, to an earlier, gentler, and far more productive time. Yes, I'm calling for all of you to return to the 50's.
I know, you're skeptical. And I can see how. After all, I just told you that I could basically erase all problems in society just by us all reverting about 50 years into the past. I'm sure you're all thinking something along the lines of "If things were so great then, why did we change them?" Well, this is how I respond to that: "SHUT UP! I'M NOT LISTENING LALALALALALA!" So beat that Mr. Smarty Man. I have come up with a number of reasons to support my theory.
Buddy Holly - Buddy Holly, friend of the site, was not everywhere, rather he was only in one place. You may think this would detract from the fifties, but actually it doesn't, because at this point our buddy Buddy was alive. So were the Big Bopper and Ritchie Valens. Good music.
Censorship - Speaking of music, in the 1950's the most controversial thing in music was Elvis's hips. There was none of this censorship thing. Nobody wrote "homophobic and misogenistic" lyrics, because nobody back then would listen to shit like that. They didn't take that kind of crap back in the fifties!
No Shit Bands - In the 1950's everybody that played music was actually good at it. The worst musician around was Jerry Lee Lewis, and he was still good enough to warrant a VH1 Behind the Music 40 some years later. Today we have Limp Bizkit, Creed, and the worst of them all, Dave Matthews. *Shudder*
Malt Shops - Today, let's face it, there's noplace cool to go hang out. Unless you want to hang out at McDonalds, there is no cool, unified place in every city to go and hang out. In the 50's there was always such a place. They were called malt shops, and these are the places you would take your best girl to listen to music on the jukebox, at three songs for a quarter.
Jukeboxes - Did I just say three songs for a quarter? You can't beat that. Especially with the aforementioned lack of shitty bands and great masters like Buddy Holly in those jukeboxes.
Poodle Skirts - Just look at the pic I snared. How can you not love the poodle skirt?
Burma Shave Signs - Apparently there were a whole bunch of these inthe fifties. They were groups of 5 signs, in order, alongside the highway, and when read in order they came up witha poem. for example, here is one I just made up to advertise this site instead of Burma Shave:
Sign 1: If Steve has bodies
Sign 2: In his trunk
Sign 3: Then his pal Wendel
Sign 4: is prolly drunk
Sign 5: www.ssvitu.cjb.net
Here's more Burma Shave slogans: Shave Me
Hula Hoops Popular - Hula Hoops rule. No, I can't hula hoop at all, but they still rule. As a child of the eighties/nineties, instead of the innocent hula hoop, young me had to deal with girls who had hte early 90's alternative, the skip-it. And they used it to routinely abuse me. They would get it spinning violently and then come up to me and smack me in the shins with them at top speed. Yes, I like the hula hoop... Nice, innocent hula hoop.
Dance - In recent years we've seen dances so stupid that even the stupidest stupids would think they were stupid. You know what I'm talkin about. The macarena, the humpty hump, da dip. Think about it, the planet has spiralled off of the good dancing track it was on, and stumbled into the anarchy that rules today. Back in the fifties, there was no such lack of cool dances. Case in point: the twist. Even the song that started the twist craze was good. Lets all silently thank Chubby Checker.
There's more, but those are all the reasons you'll get out of me until I'm bored enough to come up with some more.
And I'll see you in the fifties!
--Scuba Steve, April 17, 2001