Those of you who are as lifeless as me have no doubt realized that this past weekend was the premiere of MTV Spring Break 2001! Woo! YEAH! MTV is cool! As is my custom I did manage to catch most of it once or twice total, and am willing to tell/warn you all about exactly what went on and exactly why it was stupid.
First, however, I've got to explain myself. Watching MTV is a pretty serious crime, and your probably wondering why I submitted myself to such heinous torture. Breaking my normal tv pattern of only watching Dark Shadows, SNL reruns, japanese cartoons, and Iron Chef is pretty serious for me at least. Of course, I could just say I did it purely so I could tell you people about it, but for the most part that wasn't my only reason. I actually enjoy watching Spring Break, because it's so horribly bad its good. Some of the shows just fill me with such disgust that its entertaining. It's the same way I watch bad movies just so I can laugh--sometimes I watch MTV so I can laugh at it.
Be advised of another sin, I actually have on occasion watched MTV during the day, and in fact I have a playful nickname for it. Before 3 o'clock pm MTV could easily be known as BET2 (Black Entertainment Television 2) because of its wide variety of videos, from hardcore gangsta rap to... well... softcore gangsta rap I guess. Of course at 3 this changes, and MTV becomes WATISCTTP TV (Watch Attractive Teenagers In Skimpy Clothing Thrust Their Pelvises TV) until about ten o'clock when it starts showing the Tom Green Show and the Andy Dick Show and becomes WTO TV (Worst Thing On TV).
If I ever create a channel, it shall be the "100% scantily clad women dancing channel." Thus, if every moment of it looks like a Brittany Spears music video with a better looking woman who isn't like 16 years old, men of all ages will do nothing but watch my channel. I could make millions, purely on the sex appeal of young scantily clad women, just like MTV is doing, except not filling it with really bad music. Most of these popstars KNOW that people don't like them because of their music, they like them for their bodies. And if I had more attractive bodies dancing to better music (as will be featured on my channel) I would be rich in days.
I'm getting off the subject, here, as I was supposed to review really bad shows on MTV's Spring Break. Okay, so, here we go:
Dude This Sucks:
This is an inverted talent competition. Basically there are 2 team captains. Each of them chooses acts out of the throng of idiots who have volunteered to be acts for this show, ranging from the intelligible "Spring Breakers" to the more inquisitive "Bikini Houdini." Each act, once chosen, has 45 seconds to perform. If at any time during these seconds one of the three judges thinks their act sucks, they smash down with a hammer on their podium, the act is disqualified and the entire audience screams out "DUDE THIS SUCKS!" as loud as they can. At the end of half an hour the team with the most points gets a lot of money.
If you haven't already guessed that I would say "Dude this show sucks," you haven't been reading this page long enough. Most of the acts relied purely on having scantily clad women instead of on real talent. Surprisingly, though, the acts relying purely on sex appeal didn't win, which is a first for MTV.
This show sends one lucky guy or girl on a date with 2 members of the opposite sex at once, on one date. They compete for his/her attention, and at the end of the night, he/she chooses which one to see again. Then they switch roles and for the second half of the program a person of the opposite sex is the main character.
Oh wow, this is pathetic. Basically the first half of the show is two girls trying to wear outfits that showcase their boobs enough to make the one guy they are competing for think they will put out, and the second half is two guys trying to create a more romantic evening in one night than the other, so as to gain the affection of the girl. If I could actually see how the second dates of these two couples went I think I would be much more amused, because the guy would think he's with a total sex freak (based purely on how she got him of course) and she would want to be romantic and stuff, meanwhile the girl would think shes with an romantic, sophisticated guy, and in reality he'd be trying to score. I guess "Try to be someone you're not so as to beat your competition to get a date with someone you, in truth, have nothing in common with" didn't have the same ring to it as DisMissed.
Spring Break Undercover 2001:
This is a staple for years on Spring Break. They give 4 college guys on spring break a camera, and they tape what goes on during their spring break. This year all that happened was they all got too drunk and got thrown out of a nightclub. What amusing TV this makes for. Dumbasses.
Spring Break Survivor:
A couple comes together to spring break. Both the boy and the girl go on dates with three members of the opposite sex and then choose one of those three for a dream date. Then we get to see them break up on national TV.
I didn't watch this all the way through, but from what I saw this show was a bad take off of Temptation Island, but on this one the couple actually did break up. At least I think they did, I didn't watch the end. For great Survivor-esque style, they had 2 members of the cast of Survivor on hand, and when the couple made their choices for dream date they put it in their official "tribal" boxes. Its as if they combined the two non-MTV shows I hate the most and put it on MTV.
There was more, but thank you Jesus for not allowing me to watch it. I did see an intro to a TRL like show, but the first think Carson introduced was Bawitdaba by Kid Rock, so I turned off the TV.
MTV is the one thing that can make Spring Break seem like a bad idea.
--Scuba Steve, March 28, 2001