Me, standing atop a giant salmon
Far be it from me to steal anews link, write about it, and include a link to the site I read it, but that is what I have just done. Wow, I feel like a poster on dotCULT. Anyway, I was searching the most bizzare three words I could think of at a time in order to find incredible hilarity online, and while searching "javascript rugby oil" I somehow hit a news site and hit this link, because I too experience Alarm Over Giant Salmon!!! Dear lord, think of the possibilities!
These innocent looking slamon grow ten times the speed of regular salmon! TEN TIMES!!!! The fragile ecosystem of the earth could totally be destroyed by the freakish giant fish. They grow to 3.6 metres long. Now, I'm not really up with the metric system, but I do believe that thats something like 400 feet. And 90 kilograms must be at least a couple tons. These salmon could easily crush your car if dropped from a height.
But that isnt the part that worries me the most.... this quote is.
But the prospect of giant salmon escaping into the wild and interbreeding with native populations alarms environmentalists and the industry
Now, if I was a male salmon, and I saw a female salmon that was just friggin gigantic, I wouldn't hit that, I'd be all like "Lose some weight, bitch!" And even if I did think she was cute, the vagina of a fish that much larger than a normal salmon must be the size of a salmon itself. The male might never find its way out!
The regular female salmon must experience a similar.... uh... experience. Now, as a man, I've been bombarded in life by people claiming that size doesn't matter, but I think the regular female salmon would be rather attracted to the wang of the giant salmon. That is until it was inserted inside the female, became erect, and pretty much made the female explode into fishy blood and guts.
Now, I know your saying "Dammit Scuba! How will we survive? These giant salmon will destroy us all and such!" Well, I have formulated a plan. The plan has 5 simple steps.
My plan
- Round up all gian salmon sympathisers and put them in "camps."
- Offer up Dave Matthews as a sacrifice to the gods of salmon.
- Only buy normal salmon at the market. If its less than 20 feet long, its normal.
- Force the salmon to evolve legs, so it must dome on ground to attack us.
- Have Godzilla defeat the giant salmon, with his radioactive breath.
Just in case though, I'm stockpiling canned foods and other canned materials in my bomb shelter, so I can survive the humans vs giant salmon nuclear war. I suggest you do the same.
--Scuba Steve, March 18, 2001