Games I'll Never Beat - Slam Scape

If you're reading this, and you are Shinigami, you will realize that this column is normally writting by you, and are probably thinking something along the lines of "Scuba you bastard, you stole my bit!" Well yes, yes I did, but you haven't used it for a number of months so I've declared it imminent domain for anyone who regularly gets posted on this site (Yes, that's mainly just me). Besides, you probably stole it anyway and are damn proud that you did. I'm just adding to that theft.

Makes Minesweeper look like a technological advancement.

Today's game I'll never beat is a gem for the playstation called "Slam Scape." Now, I credit myself as someone who has seen, or at least heard of, practicaly every console/cd video game ever made, but I don't recall ever hearing of this crazy game. This in itself is an enigma, so I decided to do some research.

I can't find a date in the rulebook, but I am determined to find a date for this game. Luckily, on the cover, it states that the game "Features music of God Lives Underwater as seen on MTV," so I just looked up God Lives Underwater on the Yahoo and found out the one and only time they ever had a music video on MTV. Apparently this game is from 1998. Amazingly enough, this entire game was produced by MTV, and it features 3 music videos from the band God Lives Underwater. Not only that, but God Lives Underwater did the entire soundtrack to this game. Now, the one time I played this, yesterday, I had other music playing, but today I will subject myself to the soundtrack solely for the sake of this article.

This is actually a shot of one of the God Lives Underwater music videos on this disc. Don't worry if it looks like ass, it sounds like it too.

Let's recap. Before we have even opened the manual for this game, there are 2 reasons to hate it:

(1) Soundtrack by God Lives Underwater
(2) Produced by MTV. Somehow they were smart enough to only have their logo on the game once, and even then it is very very tiny, so no one could notice it. Too bad Viacom didn't think of this, theres probably people that will never buy from them again because of this game.

Now join me for the opening of the rulebook.

Story:

As far as I can tell, from the introduction, you are a person who just had a horrible accident, and while doctors reconstruct your body, your mind has been put in a tiny "Slamscape," a hoverbike-like vehicle that travels through the subconscious mind. You have to free 16 other people who are trapped in the subconscious, and somehow you are all in the same subconscious.... which makes no sense psychologically, but since this is MTV rules do not apply here. Well, maybe there are 4 different subconsciouses, with 4 minds in each one. Of course, all the other minds are orbs that you have to rescue, and just by touching them you save them instantly.

I've played games about plumbers who jump on turtles and eat mushrooms to grow to double size, but this game just seems a little far-fetched to me. Well, it also seems really stupid to me.

Power-ups:

U-turn - Pushes you back to the beginning of the level.

Fastblaster - Rocket fuel

Minetraps - These are false teeth you drop out behind you. They presumedly bite your enemies. As I write this I have never actually gotten one to work.

Ripstar - Rapid fire reapeater weapon. This is about equally effective to your normal attack but it actually runs out after a bit.

Torp - It's practically the only weapon in this whole game that will actually kill your enemies. And even then only some enemies, because many of the foes in this game are indestructible.

Power Nodes - these attatch to the back of your ship. Some have 4 prongs, some 3, some 2, and some 1. You have to get them in a 4-3-2-1 order. They extend your lifebar, so they are pretty much completely necessary to accomplish anything in this game. Sadly, they get destroyed really really fast.

NRG's - give you more energy. Get it? eNeRGy? Ha, that's so funny!

In front of my ship you can see one of the things that guards one of the orbs in the first level, a 50 foot bouncing ball made completely of what the rulebook claims is elephant's feet. I just call it the killer shitball.

Levels:

Carnivalhalla - Heh, I actually sort of like that name, I must be on drugs to like anything about this game. This level is supposed to be a demented circus. It is also the only level I can reach.

Uraniumania - I think this level is supposed to be a Nuclear disaster area. I would probably know better if I ever actually saw it.

Repsychler - This is apparently where old stuff goes that technology surpasses. Who wrote this?

Endless Bummer - It's a beach, but stupider.

Rulebook extras:

There is a hints section at the end of the rulebook. One of the hints is seriously "If you have to ask what rhythm is, y'ain't got it."

Okay, I've done everything possible to avoid it, but now I'm gonna have to actually play this game again, aren't I?

Game:

Too dull, combined with too hard. I'm willing to play really dull games if they are easy to finish quickly so I don't feel the urge to ever play them again. This game is just too fucking hard. This time I finally got one orb. ONE ORB! Me, who has like 10 years of compulsive video game playing, finally today got ONE out of SIXTEEN ORBS! Now, I'm willing to admit that I am not the little kid from that Nintendo movie, the Wizard (which was bad but not nearly as bad as this game), but I would think I'd be able to accomplish something in less than 2 days of play.

The game plays really poorly. There is little in game explanation of anything at all, just press start and go. The enemies all seem the same, and they have a nasty habit of having things appear right behind you completely out of the blue. A radar or rear view mirror would be nice, or not having the camera be right on the ass of the ship so you can't see anything behind you. Also, the enemies "see" you constantly. If you are anywhere near something that shoots, it is shooting at you, even if you have no idea that its there. Many enemies are too hard to see, such as the balloons that are very tiny, very fast, and destroy all the power thingies you work so hard to get by only slightly touching you.

This is the only thing in the whole damn game that I actually managed to defeat, a giant ferris wheel.

Overall, I've rated this game on the new SSVITU rating system, which includes 10 categories each rated on a score of one to ten. Here's how "Slam Scape" rated:

Ten is a lot higher than I expected this game to score. Long story short, I'm claiming that if you gave me this game, a design team, and a band that doesn't suck, I could make this game playable in, oh, say, 1 year.

--Scuba Steve, March 30, 2001