SSVITU's Unofficial Take on the Grammys

Yeah, I know what you're thinking - "Scuba, the Gramnmys are for sellouts! The only real award show for music is the MTV VMA's!" And you would be partially correct. Partially in that the VMA's are for sellouts too. Don't get me wrong, hell yeah I'd go if I was invited, but I owe that mainly to something Eric Cartman said a long time ago-"Selling out is cool, because when you sell out you have money, and when you have money you don't have to hang out with poor-ass losers like you guys. Screw you guys I'm going home!"

So whay did I watch the Grammys? That's a very good question. I do believe it was on in the background as I was doing something else, and I heard Rocky and Wendel saying that Faith Hill "would fucking get it" and I decided that it would be cool to go through the whole remainder of the show and note our comments about each performance. Well, I got out of my chair to take notes, and as soon a I did so, everybody up and left on me. Kinda makes a guy feel real loved. So I, being the lazy prick that I am, couldn't force myself to get back up and walk to the computer, so I tried to watch it myself.

That last sentence is a joke. Me watching it consisted of me watching really bad sitcoms (the only kind, but thats a topic for another article) and flipping to the Grammys for a few quick minutes during commercials. I think I generally caught the gist of things that were going on.

Anyway, now comes the rundown. That means I will list off stuff I remember about the Grammys in the order I remember them happening. Both of these are subject to speculation, as I really haven't got the best memory.

You know if a male artist had a song named "Say My Name" the theme would be completely different.

• After Faith Hill finished performing in front of a background that looked as if it had been drawn by an especially artistic monkey, Destiny's Child performed live. As you can guess, I heard the term "she would fucking get it" a number of times before the end of this performance as well. No I don't remember what song they did, be lucky I remembered they were there. As soon as they finished performing, they won an award.

• Next, they gave an award for the best Native American music. I was actually pretty impressed at the very existance of this category. I have the utmost respect for Native Americans, mainly because we stole all our land from them and they're nice enough to let us keep it.
  
  It's a beautiful day, because we just won an award!!!

• Next thing I remember U2 was performing live. U2 is good. I thought I would never utter those words. You see, my theory about popular music is, when all the good bands are gone, and more bad bands appear, bands that were once mediocre seem wonderful. Thus, in today's musical world, U2 kicks some serious butt. Their performance was cool, since they did "Beautiful Day" and they used bright lights to visually reinforce the verbal idea of day whenever Bono sang the refrain. Also, The Edge is cool, because it takes serious balls to legally change your name to "The Edge". Immediately afterwards, they won an award.

• Then there was some other stupid crap going on for a while. I do believed that I watched "who's line is it anyway?" during this period.

• Next thing I knew, Moby was performing live with a bunch of soul singers that really rocked and those 3 messed up guys who paint themselves blue and star in pentium III commercials. This performance owns me. It was rather good, they did "Natural Blues" live. For those of you who think an electronic artist like Moby wouldn't be impressive live, you are so wrong. I was under the impression that it would be lame, and I am incredibly glad I watched this instead of WLIIA?, because it rocked my world. I assume that he then won an award, because whenever anyone performed thus far they immediately won an award, so I think I can just assume and be right.

• I don't remember anything for a while afterwards, except they got this Canadian guy to play a song on the piano. I think I was on another channel when Christina Aguilera performed live, so I missed that. Anyway, the piano guy played a classical piece, and I say it totally ruled, because I am a former music major and I like that type of shit.
  
  Who the hell are we?

• Then they gave the album of the year award to some losers called "Steely Dan." I've seriously never heard of them. Rocky says they're old. They beat out people whom I've heard of like Eminem, U2, and my personal favorite band that is still together, Radiohead. I'd be able to understand this, but I swear, I never heard the words "Steely Dan" together in this context before I watched this program.
  
  &*$% you you @$*&$ing **$*&# (*&^@*er's! I'll *&@*& all of you #*&$*&9 $*&^&& pudding!

• Then Eminem performed with Elton John, to close up this Gram-tacular night. Oh, believe you me I have quite a bit to say about this, even though I personally thought Moby had a better performance than them. First off, and I'd like to get this out of the way first, since its a matter of personal taste and not of political point of view: Elton John's suit was as ugly as fuck. Second, as most of you know, a number of gays and lesbians protested out in front of the building about Elton John and Eminem performing together, because Elton John is gay and Eminem reputedly has anti-gay lyrics on his albums. Here are a number of reasons why that is stupid as hell:
  • Gay people say that its okay for them to be gay beause its their right to choose homosexuality. Right to choose... Hmm... like maybe choosing to perform with Eminem? Hypocrites.

  • I really don't think Eminem is anti-gay, else why the hell would he perform with Elton John? Think about it, he's a jackass, but he's not stupid. I may use some derogatory language about Gay Dave (in fact, I do believe I can be quoted as saying at one point that he was quote "the gayest guy on the planet, and I'm including fucking Elton John!") but I'm not anti-gay, else I wouldn't even socialize with Gay Dave.

  • Yes, there are probably some lyrics about killing gays on Eminem's album, but there are lyrics about killing almost everyone on Eminem's albums, including kiling himself, but you don't see Eminem protesting his songs.

  • Dido did a better job than Elton John ever could. No, it has nothing to do with the protest, but I had to say that. Dido kicks my ass.

  • They performed "Stan". There are no anti-anyone lyrics in that song, its a gritty realization about the feelings of an unbalanced fan who commits suicide. It's actually a very touching song, that shouldn't offend anybody.

  • I must say again, Elton John's suit was just ucking FUGLY!

--Scuba Steve, February 25, 2001