I hear they're gonna name their next CD "Carson Daly's cock tasted just like chicken." Damn, I don't even know why I hate them so much...
No seriously, why? I mean normally I feel okay just looking at a band or a tv show and saying "I Hate Them" and then later I can come up with reasons, but I have closely analyzed Sum 41 and determined that by all rights I should not only not hate them, but actually to some degree enjoy their "music." I have analyzed this from as many viewpoints as possible, and I cannot find a reason why I hate them so, but rest assured I do. It confuses me, this unfounded hatred (this time it does at least, usually I'm okay with it), because normally I can justify my dislike of practically everything, even of things that I really like but hate just on general principles. I guess this is because on general principles I don't understand this burning hatred of Sum 41, it is just a gut feeling that I should kill them all and all their families to the seventh generation. I'm sure you all want to hear the ins and outs of the logic behind all this, so I suppose I will explain it all. So join me on the logical journey to discover exactly why I hate Sum 41.
First off, lets all look at Sum 41 musically. Now, I know in todays rap based world real musical ability is not required to sound good, but these guys are horrible musically. From what I have heard in fact they manage to screw up their own songs when they play live in concert. While you're probably saying "But Scuba, there's a reason to hate them right there," I have got to point out that that is not points against them, it is actually oints for them. I have always been impressed when people with little or no real musical talent become huge musically. The Sex Pistols impressed me, for example, because they were just a few drunk British guys who couldn't play their instruments and they became pretty much the forerunners of punk rock. Musical talent is not a prerequisite for good music, in fact in today's day and age there are more musical innovators who can't play guitar for shit than there are who play technically well and have no original thought at all. A lot of times I prefer interesting music with no talent to someone who is apparently a "wonderful musician" whose music is so uninteresting it makes me sick (*cough* Dave Matthews *cough*). So we can eliminate lack of musical talent from the possible list of why I seem to hate Sum 41.
Perhaps, you say, I am jealous that they are making millions of dollars and I am not. That is a valid reason for hate, I will give you, but I must refute that claim my friend. I doubt seriously that I will ever be jealous of anyone who performed on MTV's campus invasion tour. Besides, I can name about 50 better "musical" groups to be jealous of, some of which I don't even hate.
The lyrical content of Sum 41's music may also be disputeable for a reason for me to hate them, but I doubt seriously that what they sing about has anything to do with my appreciation for their music. I enjoy all lyrics, from the deep, metaphoric lyrics of Radiohead, to the sublimely idiotic ramblings of They Might be Giants, and even to the senseless "random picking out of the dictionary" method that System of a Down uses. But to find out I will now go to their website and grab some lyrics from Sum 41's hit single, which I think is called "Fat Lip" :
Because you don’t
Know us at all we laugh when old people fall.
But what would you expect with a conscience so small.
Heavy metal and mullets it’s how we were raised.
Maiden and priest were the gods that we praised
Cause we like having fun at other peoples expense and,
Cutting people down is just a minor offence then,
It’s none of your concern, I guess I’ll never learn.
I’m sick of being told to wait my turn.
Now see, lyrically I should enjoy something like that. I like laughing at other peoples misery, I'm a "laughing at you not with you" kind of person. Plus they even mentioned mullets (Business in the front, party in the back). And yet somehow these lyrics don't appeal to me whatsoever, just because I know they were performed or written or something by Sum 41.
Another possible reason for me to despise them could be just implicit hatred of one of the members of the band. For example, I hate Dave Matthews, because he brainwashes people. I hate that guy from Creed because he's an egotistical maniac. I hate Art Alexakis from Everclear because he's obviously the best lyricist ever (after all, his lyrics have produced about half a dozen hit songs that were all exactly the same musically and rythmically). Of course, I think that I don't hate them just because of those people, I think I just hate those groups because I despise the "music" they make. But I don't have a problem with any of the members of Sum 41. In fact, I think the lead singer looks like someone I used to know, but I can't think who. I'm just rambling at this point aren't I?
Well, now that I have addressed these concerns, I will list reasons to hate them that I am not prepared to address:
In fact the only reason that I can think of to validly hate Sum 41 is that I am still bitter about the fact that they were on the MTV Campus Invasion Tour, which was the suckiest suck that ever sucked. But I digress, that is another article, that I wrote a number of months ago.
Now, in an awkwardly written conclusion, I am going to end this ill-conceived article and go back to doing what I do best, watching mindless television and insulting everyone I see.
--Scuba Steve, October 24, 2001