Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against gay people. Hell, my roommate's gay. Oh yeah, that’s what this article was about.... Can you all tell that I am really, really desperate for something to write about?
So, you think the worst thing your roommate can tell you is that he is gay? You would be wrong there, my friend, because there are much worse things that an already gay roommate could tell you. You could be having a perfectly good day until out of the blue he tells you how he got some this weekend. Then you want to pry your own eyeballs out and choke on them.
His computer's desktop is now something I refuse to look at. Just ask anybody who's seen it. Its covered in gay porn. Now, do the rest of us cover the room in straight porn? No! But he feels the need to advertise his gayitude to any poor soul hapless enough to glance at his computer screen.
Now, I know, there are questions you've got to be asking yourself as you read this, so I will take up most if not all of the rest of this editorial answering them. Here they go:
Q: So, are you gay?
A: NO! Gayality is not contagious. Else I would be moving out. Besides, I’ve got a girlfriend, and she will tell you that I am most definitely not interested in anything but her.
Q: Do you let him have his gay sex in your room?
A: I'd much rather not answer this one, even though technically I asked it. I told him not to, because I didn’t want any of him and his lover's man juice getting on my stuff, and then he proceeded to explain exactly why their juice would not reach my stuff from his bed, and besides, that all ends up in.... Okay, I don’t think I can finish typing this, I had repressed it, and this may cause me to tie myself to a rock and hurl it into a lake. So I will go on to the next question.
Q: Is he hot? What does he look like?
A: You sick, sick freak. Don’t talk to me.
Q: How can I contact him?
A: There is a link to his homepage in the links section. And I told you not to talk to me
Q: Isn’t he going to be pissed that you are writing about him and his gaytrallity?
A: Well, he refuses to stop telling me about it, which brings me the most disgusting conversations that I have ever never wanted to have. If he doesn’t want to let people know about it, don’t tell me about it. Even as I write this without him knowing, he is talking about his gayhood. So if he talks about it as much as he does, I guess he is just trying to spread the word.
I’m assuming that is all the questions any of you have. This pathetic post is over. Nobody ever remind me that I wrote it. I feel really dirty. In fact I thoroughly apologize to all readers. This is what happens when nothing interesting happens to me for over a week.
Please don’t hold this post against me.
--Scuba Steve, November 16, 2000