Heyo everybody. Today I'm gonna teach you all how to make a hitlist. For those of you not into killing, a hitlist is a list of people you are gonna kill. Sometimes reasons are included, sometimes they are self explanatory. I may or may not kill all of these people. I don't really want to kill anyone... specific. Let's just say that this is the easiest way for me to rant today.
First, one must come up with a category to begin ranting. Ranting is completely necessary to kick off a good killing spree. This rant I begin with a question: "Why does everything on tv suck?"
This is an overly valid question as it is two thirty pm on a weekday, and everything on every channel sucks. I meant it, however, in a broader sense of the term everything. Pretty much all the shows on tv just suck. The only things that don't totally blow are professional wrestling, Iron Chef, and action cartoons (and some action cartoons still suck).
Anyway, whose fault is the stuff on tv? TV executives. Let's just take Ted Turner and that guy who runs FOX. I think his name is Murdock or something. They are the first additions to our hitlist.
Why do they put on such lousy programs? Because they can get away with it because of the music industry which also majorly stinks lately. There have been maybe 5 good album releases in the last year. All the rest were boybands or other useless trendy hack songs. I refuse to call it "music," because musicians everywhere would be offended.
Thus, we add the Backstreet Boys and nsync to our list, as well as Brittany Spears. Sorry, Josh, had to do it. Because they suck. A lot.
How do these groups get to be so popular if they suck? Well, since they are apparently good looking, young prepubescent girls buy their albums. This gives them money and they use this money to get their songs played on the radio and on MTV. People hear these songs so much that they get in their heads and they buy them, too. They the call up and request them on TRL. Then they use the money to record another album. It’s a vicious cycle. So, we must now add Carson Daly to the "kill list." You may not think this is necessary, but it's my list and I say he should die. We cant blame a whole group, it has to be a single person so I can kill them.
But at the root of that problem is them being perceived as "sexy." Why is that? It's the clothes they wear. Without styles by Calvin Klein or Tommy Hilfiger, these sad misguided youngsters never would have gotten into their lousy pop boybands and such. So I add Tommy Hilfiger and Calvin Klein to the hitlist. If that Versace guy was still alive he'd be on the list, too, but someone beat me to it.
And then, of course, at the end, we ask ourselves, "Is there anybody else who just deserves to die?" After reading this article, some of you may add me to the list. I personally just want to add Emeril, that one guy on the Food Network, because he annoys the hell out of me.
So, after the lengthy ranting process, we have our list.
To kill:
Ted Turner
Coming soon my article on how to kill celebrities and escape the police.
--Scuba Steve, December 4, 2000
That Murdock guy
Backstreet Boys
nsync
Brittany Spears
Carson Daly
Tommy Hilfiger
Calvin Klein
Emeril
--(Special thanks to Rocky for whining with me and kath*rine for finding me some pictures...)
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