No, not how to be a hack, you can learn that by reading the rest of my site. And in fact I am not writing about how to be a hacker, but rather how to convince other people that you are a hacker. This is mainly because I have no frickin idea how to hack, and I probably couldn't hack into my own damned webpage. Also, it is because trying to act like a hacker is very very funny.
Lesson One
When typing,use 733t 5p33k. Or, if spoken in non-it, elite speak. 733t 5p33k is supposedly the way hackers speak. It involves substituting various numbers in place of letters, and many tiems spelling words phonetically instead of correctly. The letter "A" for example, becomes "4" because they look almost similar.
This is usually not used by true hackers, as most real hackers realize how dumb 733t 5p33k sounds. Or looks, whatever. In reality, 733t 5p33k is mainly used by losers who think they are 733t and aren't, because most people who have never seen it will automatically assume it is some sort of experts only code. This is fun when you want people to think you are a cyber god--you just need to say things like the following:
If you understand 733t 5p33k, you understand which of those you would never actually use. If not, just try them out and you will eventually discover which one makes you look like a flaming idiot. (Hah, that was a trick sentence, using any of them would make you look like a flaming idiot.)
Another use for 733t 5p33k is to mock people that use it, for example, if I do something cool on my website, someone may sarcastically remark "Boy, you sure are 733t!" and then I would say "Why you on my shit muthafucka?" and things would escalate to a situation where the police would need to be summoned.
If you ever need quickly translated 733t 5p33k go here, to the 733t 5p33k G3n3r470r. I personally can't believe someone spent the time to code this thing...
Lesson 2
Another tip for fooling people into believing you are a hacker, is to never ever use the term "hacker" or the term "hack." You are not a hacker, you are a haxor. Also, you do not hack computers, you haxor them. this can be used for any verb that ends in "ck" in fact, just replace it with "xor". If I'm trying to convince you I am a haxor, I don't say "I'll kick your ass", I say "I'll kixor your ass." In fact, if we incorporate lesson one, we get something like this "3y3 w1ll k1X0r y0r 455!"
Examples:
Lesson 3
If threatening someone, make sure to reference "winnuke" once every sentence or two. I personally have no idea what the hell winnuke is. I don't even know if it is a real program. It may just be a buzzword made up to incite fear in non-733t people. I really have no clue whatsoever. Most average people will automatically assume that it is something a haxor can do that will nuke their hard drive, and I'm guessing that that is probably correct. If not, you can certainly convince the person that it is the most dangerous program ever programmed.
Example: I'll winnuke your hard drive, and then you will be incapable of even thinking about running Windows 98.
Lesson 4
If the person is not your enemy, or you do not want to threaten them, offer to give them warez. Er, W4R3Z. This is a haxor word if one has ever been invented. Offer to trade warez or give them away, or whatever, but make sure you metion them. And the more 733t way you spell \\'4R3Z the more it convinces your friend that you are 733t.
Example: Hey, I'll trade you some \\'4R3z, yo!
If you need more info on being an 733t h4X0r, or need an example, the best place to look is Jeff K. on Something Awful.
Now go be hacks.
--Scuba Steve, April 9, 2001