I came to a realization the other day, and I must share it with you, as you are my audiencye. And don't worry, if its stupid, I won't post it on my webpage. But wait, then why am I writing it? Anyway, my theory... The Ice Cream man is Satan.
I can hear you now, screaming "No Scuba, it can't be, he's our true friend, he's brought us ice crream for years!" Too bad that doesn't change the fact that consorting with him will DAMN YOUR SOUL TO HELL FOREVER!!!
I know, you need proof before you convict him as the dark one, you don't want to kill the innocent like we were in Salem and it was the 1700's. I have prepared a myriad [big word] of reasons why the Ice Cream man is OBVIOUSLY Satan, and you are stupid for having not realized it.
As you may have noticed, the Ice Cream man is never around in January... in fact he only appears in the summer. Hmm... the summer... Now, what is the most basic fact about the summer? That it's hot. And what else is hot? THE DEEPEST PITS OF HELL!!!!!
On all TV shows where there is no character that represents satan, or is satan, there is always an Ice Cream man. The show that shoots to the front of my mind when I think about this is Nickolodeon's "The Adventures of Pete and Pete," a sitcom about two brothers, both of whom were named Pete. They devoted an entire episode to the Ice Cream man, and believe me, he was evil. Come to think about it, practically every show on Nickolodeon has an Ice Cream man.
I know, you're thinking, "Why do you know so much about Nickolodeon, Scuba?" Well, we got it when I was like in ninth grade, so I lived out my childhood years of missing all the good Nickolodeon cartoons in my high school years. Rest assured, I am a fucked up individual, but I think you can watch cartoons as long as you can relate to them. That's why I don't watch Pete and Pete, I can't relate because my name isn't Pete. And why I will always watch Scooby Doo, even when I am like 50, because I will always be able to relate to getting in a van and driving around the country to solve mysteries.
And while I'm on the subject of Shaggy and Scooby, why is it that everywhere they went there were criminals dressed up like monsters? Was it commonplace in the 70's to dress up like a kooky ghost whenever you committed a crime? What ever happened to just not getting caught? Or leaving the country? And how serious a crime warrants a kooky ghost? If I jaywalked, the Supreme Court says that I can now be taken to jail for it. Does that mean to escape I could dress up as a headless lizardman and haount the old amusement park outside of town? I need to know NOW, the cops may be closing in as we speak!
What the hell was I talking about? Oh yeah, Ice Cream.... sorry.
Follow this line of thought:
I = Roman Numeral
I Scream man = One Scream man
Now, this can be taken many ways. Satan was the first ever scream man. He is also the foremost scream man, or scream man or the 1st rank. Or it could say that he was just one scream man, in which case, there may be more. Hide the children. Or it could be that once he gets to you, you will only have time for one scream before he's done wiht you. Oooh, spooky.
What is one of the first thinks we learn when we are young? Don't take candy from strangers. Do we really know this "Ice Cream Man"? No, he is a stranger. And yet, he gives us candy. Candy from strangers is bad, and whoever gives it to us has got to be a bad man.
Leviticus, Chapter 18, Verse 21:
"Do not hand over any of your children to be used in the worship of the god Molech, because that would bring disgrace on the name of God, the Lord"
If that doesn't tell you not to let your children anywhere near teh Ice Cream man, I don't know how I could make it clearer to you. The Ice Cream man is an obvious worshipper of the god Molech. That's why you never see Ice Cream men at church, they're off doing misdeeds or worshipping Molech. Damn that Molech!
[Incidentally, the very next passage, Leviticus 18:22 reads: "No man is to have sexual relations with another man; God hates that." See Gay Dave, I told you it was in the Bible.]
See, that was five whole reasons why the Ice Cream man is the devil. I've got to win this one, there's no way you could find five things to prove that he's not the devil. So just trust me, "Ice Cream man = Satan."
Incidentally, anyone out there trying to prove that I am Satan will have a much easier time of it than I just did, what with the fire spewing from my fingertips and the speaking in tongues.
--Scuba Steve, May 15, 2001